Where To Begin? (Hey there Ive just arrived) x
Sat 3rd May - New princess born today, aaaw bless x
So... who am I? What brought me here? Perhaps I should explain should I?
Whom am I asking? Kinda feeling the need for permission yet nobodys gonna grant that till theyve read this lol so proceed -
I was born way, way back in 1964 (you can find it in the history books these days but back then it seemed new) and I was born into a male body unfortunately. After twin brothers my Dad was hoping for a girl and so was I! However, that wasnt to be in the physical form nor did I feel would be accepted in expression thus I tried to be as male as possible, mostly unconvincingly for Im far from masculine yet it seemingly got me by without anyone commenting I may not be what I appear to the eye to be thus I kept my female form solely to myself.
I mostly went to school with the same bunch of ppl from start to finish and there were 2 boys whom from the start were quite obviously 'girly' even to a bunch of 5yr olds. 1 would be described back then as overtly sissy - playing girl games with girls - whilst the other hung with the lads but was distinctly feminine/gay and made no effort to hide it. I looked at both of these boys with a mixture of interest and jeaousy for their femininity was out there to the world whilst I had developed a fractured/secretive life already.
Suchly life progressed with the pitfalls and emotional damage a secretive approach brings (more on that in further posts no doubts, should this be what a Journal should contain?) then BAAAAM I reached 48, fell apart and was diagnosed as 'depressed'. By the time I hit 50 I was washed up, physically and mentally exhausted (my get up and go had got up and gone 20yrs ago and I never dreamed it would return), I sincerely felt I was physically 'too old' to cope with my job which was the only thing holding my life together and any thought of future was through bleak eyes thus visions of bleakness.
A grim finale awaited and didnt seem too far away at all... however, 1 off-shoot to being female in mind only led me to try to understand my situation by thinking, expanding my conciousness from a young age and this turned the seemingly death-sentance like judgement of me being 'depressed' into one of the most important happenings in my 'journey' as the knowledge I had collected over the years allowed me to figure out and solve my own depression (in no way am I saying this would solve anybody elses, each case of depression is totally unique to the person suffering it). It may have taken me 2yrs to do it and I did very nearly reach the end of the line before I did find the answers but some ppl never figure their depression out and what finer time is there to come to the rescue than just before the very end? Adds to the drama lol.
So, I now understood how an incident that happened when I was 9yrs old, an incident from which I should have gained praise but was twisted by my supposedly best-friend with the result that all I got was the shame that should have been his, had resulted in producing a 'me' whom I disliked and despised for the next 40yrs and which drove me further and further away from understanding the 'me' I was trying to understand to begin with. Almost all of my energy was devoted to destroying the 'me' I despised with litlle left to celebrate my actual self. Of course at times the lines got blurred and I thought the 'me' I was hating was the 'me' who could not allign with being male. It had not taken long for this predicament to lead me into depression yet I acceppted my continual turmoil as 'just how my life is', thus 'the norm' thus was in denial of my state of depression for almost 40yrs! Working this out allowed me to reconnect with the 'me' whom I liked, the 1 whom had existed for 9yrs before that awful 1 incident occurred, the 'me' who saw he was a boy but knew he was a girl.
Running parallel to my figuring out my depression was a period of profound spiritual growth which totally rewrote my lifestyle bringing me a return of real, lasting energy, happiness, understanding and a realisation that I can have a happy future.
Now - How all that yada yada yada and a chance encounter led me here to this site and sitting here in a nice dress with printed flowers design, short sleeved pink cardie, hairy legs and a little more than an 11 oclock shadow as I type this... deliriously happy yet in need of much guidance... and I need to briefly skip backwards to begin - over the years I had from time to time dressed myself in the clothes I actually wanted to wear (female of course) yet each attempt ended in a crushing failure that led me to question my belief that I am in fact female and brought me a sadness that ensured i wouldnt be trying that again for some time! Back to the recent present and I found myself in a situation where a bag of lovely female clothes was going to be thrown out yet I could very easily 'claim' them without raising any suspicion as to why I would want to.. not that I at this point wanted to anyway but I went for a quick rummage to see what was in it and as I moved a lovely soft cardigan and noticed the stylish dress underneath a wave of excitement flooded over me and I pictured myself in these beautiful clothes and instantly decided I was indeed having this unwanted bag of throw aways even despite all my previous failed attempts with female clothing.
When the opportunity finally arrived (some 2 weeks later) when I could explore the bag of goodies I recalled failed attempts which all followed the same pattern - the excitement of finally having some proper clothes to wear, the joy of the touch and feel followed by the crushing sadness as I looked in a mirror and saw a guy in girls clothes. Knowing how much pain and suffering and mind-numbing disappointment this had caused me over the years made me realise I was putting at risk the recent happiness that my spiritual growth had gifted me yet also recalling the electric thrill that shot through me when Id first realised what beautiful clothes were in the bag made me realise I had no choice but to go ahead, my actual self deserved this experience yet I must gaurd against it ending in disappointment. I quickly found what I thought was a nice dress but as I put it on realised there was actually a hole for each leg just like shorts. I teamed this up with the short sleeved pink cardie Ive got on now but it wasnt originally part of todays outfit but it got chilly lol. 'I love pink and the styling of the dress/shorts thing is so cute,' I thought with delight as I looked down towards my feet. Even with my hairy legs sticking out it still looked cute, I have actually got nice legs even if I do say so myself and I realised this lovely dress/shorts thing lookss great on ME... a penny was dropping here - I wasnt looking at a reflection in a mirror I was looking at me, my lovely legs which this lovely dress thing looked great on and so feminine, and perhaps not having my male face in that picture totally helped me to enjoy this beautiful experience of wearing clothing Ive always wanted to and feeling out of this world in them and finally having an en joyable way to express my female self in a physical way. I had finallly found the way to give the 'me' I love and enjoy being the way to enjoy herself... and the great thing is its only 5mins since I reconnect with this 'me'!
Ive not looked in a mirror, simply at the clothes on me. Nor do I have any notion to until I have got myself a sumptuos wig Ive already chosen and learn how to give myself a proper make over/up.
But to round up (finally) this wonderful experience not only brought me joy and happiness but also a final exceptance that I am indeed a transexual. However, that is today, what of tomorrow and the implications for the future - can I accept an existence of only expressing my true self in physical form in a private secretive world or do I riskk causing wide spread upset amongst the ppl I love by selfishly persuing my true self? Or do I accept my 'journey' is actually to experience the life of a female soul in a male body? Whatever it is can I cope with it? Can i prevent anybody else being hurt by 'me' not being the 'me' they thought I was?
All those Q's which finally answers why I have arrived on your shores.
Much Love for all
Samantha xxx
So... who am I? What brought me here? Perhaps I should explain should I?
Whom am I asking? Kinda feeling the need for permission yet nobodys gonna grant that till theyve read this lol so proceed -
I was born way, way back in 1964 (you can find it in the history books these days but back then it seemed new) and I was born into a male body unfortunately. After twin brothers my Dad was hoping for a girl and so was I! However, that wasnt to be in the physical form nor did I feel would be accepted in expression thus I tried to be as male as possible, mostly unconvincingly for Im far from masculine yet it seemingly got me by without anyone commenting I may not be what I appear to the eye to be thus I kept my female form solely to myself.
I mostly went to school with the same bunch of ppl from start to finish and there were 2 boys whom from the start were quite obviously 'girly' even to a bunch of 5yr olds. 1 would be described back then as overtly sissy - playing girl games with girls - whilst the other hung with the lads but was distinctly feminine/gay and made no effort to hide it. I looked at both of these boys with a mixture of interest and jeaousy for their femininity was out there to the world whilst I had developed a fractured/secretive life already.
Suchly life progressed with the pitfalls and emotional damage a secretive approach brings (more on that in further posts no doubts, should this be what a Journal should contain?) then BAAAAM I reached 48, fell apart and was diagnosed as 'depressed'. By the time I hit 50 I was washed up, physically and mentally exhausted (my get up and go had got up and gone 20yrs ago and I never dreamed it would return), I sincerely felt I was physically 'too old' to cope with my job which was the only thing holding my life together and any thought of future was through bleak eyes thus visions of bleakness.
A grim finale awaited and didnt seem too far away at all... however, 1 off-shoot to being female in mind only led me to try to understand my situation by thinking, expanding my conciousness from a young age and this turned the seemingly death-sentance like judgement of me being 'depressed' into one of the most important happenings in my 'journey' as the knowledge I had collected over the years allowed me to figure out and solve my own depression (in no way am I saying this would solve anybody elses, each case of depression is totally unique to the person suffering it). It may have taken me 2yrs to do it and I did very nearly reach the end of the line before I did find the answers but some ppl never figure their depression out and what finer time is there to come to the rescue than just before the very end? Adds to the drama lol.
So, I now understood how an incident that happened when I was 9yrs old, an incident from which I should have gained praise but was twisted by my supposedly best-friend with the result that all I got was the shame that should have been his, had resulted in producing a 'me' whom I disliked and despised for the next 40yrs and which drove me further and further away from understanding the 'me' I was trying to understand to begin with. Almost all of my energy was devoted to destroying the 'me' I despised with litlle left to celebrate my actual self. Of course at times the lines got blurred and I thought the 'me' I was hating was the 'me' who could not allign with being male. It had not taken long for this predicament to lead me into depression yet I acceppted my continual turmoil as 'just how my life is', thus 'the norm' thus was in denial of my state of depression for almost 40yrs! Working this out allowed me to reconnect with the 'me' whom I liked, the 1 whom had existed for 9yrs before that awful 1 incident occurred, the 'me' who saw he was a boy but knew he was a girl.
Running parallel to my figuring out my depression was a period of profound spiritual growth which totally rewrote my lifestyle bringing me a return of real, lasting energy, happiness, understanding and a realisation that I can have a happy future.
Now - How all that yada yada yada and a chance encounter led me here to this site and sitting here in a nice dress with printed flowers design, short sleeved pink cardie, hairy legs and a little more than an 11 oclock shadow as I type this... deliriously happy yet in need of much guidance... and I need to briefly skip backwards to begin - over the years I had from time to time dressed myself in the clothes I actually wanted to wear (female of course) yet each attempt ended in a crushing failure that led me to question my belief that I am in fact female and brought me a sadness that ensured i wouldnt be trying that again for some time! Back to the recent present and I found myself in a situation where a bag of lovely female clothes was going to be thrown out yet I could very easily 'claim' them without raising any suspicion as to why I would want to.. not that I at this point wanted to anyway but I went for a quick rummage to see what was in it and as I moved a lovely soft cardigan and noticed the stylish dress underneath a wave of excitement flooded over me and I pictured myself in these beautiful clothes and instantly decided I was indeed having this unwanted bag of throw aways even despite all my previous failed attempts with female clothing.
When the opportunity finally arrived (some 2 weeks later) when I could explore the bag of goodies I recalled failed attempts which all followed the same pattern - the excitement of finally having some proper clothes to wear, the joy of the touch and feel followed by the crushing sadness as I looked in a mirror and saw a guy in girls clothes. Knowing how much pain and suffering and mind-numbing disappointment this had caused me over the years made me realise I was putting at risk the recent happiness that my spiritual growth had gifted me yet also recalling the electric thrill that shot through me when Id first realised what beautiful clothes were in the bag made me realise I had no choice but to go ahead, my actual self deserved this experience yet I must gaurd against it ending in disappointment. I quickly found what I thought was a nice dress but as I put it on realised there was actually a hole for each leg just like shorts. I teamed this up with the short sleeved pink cardie Ive got on now but it wasnt originally part of todays outfit but it got chilly lol. 'I love pink and the styling of the dress/shorts thing is so cute,' I thought with delight as I looked down towards my feet. Even with my hairy legs sticking out it still looked cute, I have actually got nice legs even if I do say so myself and I realised this lovely dress/shorts thing lookss great on ME... a penny was dropping here - I wasnt looking at a reflection in a mirror I was looking at me, my lovely legs which this lovely dress thing looked great on and so feminine, and perhaps not having my male face in that picture totally helped me to enjoy this beautiful experience of wearing clothing Ive always wanted to and feeling out of this world in them and finally having an en joyable way to express my female self in a physical way. I had finallly found the way to give the 'me' I love and enjoy being the way to enjoy herself... and the great thing is its only 5mins since I reconnect with this 'me'!
Ive not looked in a mirror, simply at the clothes on me. Nor do I have any notion to until I have got myself a sumptuos wig Ive already chosen and learn how to give myself a proper make over/up.
But to round up (finally) this wonderful experience not only brought me joy and happiness but also a final exceptance that I am indeed a transexual. However, that is today, what of tomorrow and the implications for the future - can I accept an existence of only expressing my true self in physical form in a private secretive world or do I riskk causing wide spread upset amongst the ppl I love by selfishly persuing my true self? Or do I accept my 'journey' is actually to experience the life of a female soul in a male body? Whatever it is can I cope with it? Can i prevent anybody else being hurt by 'me' not being the 'me' they thought I was?
All those Q's which finally answers why I have arrived on your shores.
Much Love for all
Samantha xxx
Replies
So I guess long and short, you cant know the answer to any of these questions you have posed. Life is life, that is all there is to it. We muddle through as best we can and our goal is to try to be happy. So that then brings the question what makes you happy. Being transgendered and attempting transition you have a few options, the very first is diagnosis, you need to be seen and diagnosed by a licensed therapist. There is no going around this. Once you are there you have to consider what you are going to do and what you want your life to be. If you choose to do hormones, then understand there will be some physical changes, though at your age they won\'t be as drastic as they would be in say an 18 year old. So if you have decided that you don\'t want to \"show it\" you can hide it easy enough. If you plan to rewrite your life or go through to srs, then you need to understand that you may be risking literally everything, even your life. I don\'t know what the laws are like in Great Brittan or what the mentality of the LGBT society and acceptance is like. Here in the states there are people who will kill you for just being trans, That is real and a fact that we deal with here. There are no laws protecting jobs in most places or housing, so you can lose your home, your job, so on just for being trans here. Again it may be different there but its something you are going to have to look into and understand could happen. As to others. How we are and when we transition, we are lying if we say it\'s just about us and involves no one else. We are altering the lives of every person around us. This means we may lose some of those people and thus have hurt them. There is little we can do about it and we have to decide which is more important, being with them or being with ourselves. In my case, I didn\'t suffer much of any of these negatives, save for losing a couple friends. You will have to choose within yourself how much you want this before you are done with this life, and if you are okay with the stealth life, then so be it, if you are not then you have to take steps. Every journey is different. Not sure if this has helped you or not, but it is the best I can say.
I have come out to a small group of my family and friends about being transgender and as a child I was one of those boys that got picked on a lot and called sissy. I started hanging around some of the tougher kids and the teasing subsided and finally stopped. I was blessed with not having a lot of body hair and because I work out I don\'t get questioned much about shaving my legs. I have started using a cream to get rid of my facial hair and I am having some positive results. My wife tells me I am having a mid life crisis and in some ways she maybe right, I have lived most of my life as a man and really rather live whats left as a woman. Everyone\'s situation is different and the responses from family and friends may be different as well. My daughter likes attention and knows of my desire to be a woman and unfortunately said something to my brother and his response wasn\'t what I would have expected from a family member or a licensed counselor. I know all to well how good it feels when you can see a woman looking back at you that has been trapped inside for far to long, its liberating and inspiring. Don\'t be afraid to throw your feelings and thoughts onto the transgender forum, it may take some time for people to get back to you but be patient. There are many who are in different stages of transition and some who are comfortable where they are and chose not to transition, but the people here are very helpful and understanding. As you can see from my topic on the transgender forum, I have started to make some subtle changes that are starting to be noticed and you just cross those bridges when you come to them. You sound like a very intelligent and refine person, and the most important thing is for you to like you , even if you don\'t see that person you feel like looking back at you in the mirror. I have always tried to remain positive despite opposition and people who may discriminate. The fact is there is still closed minds and people who like to judge others and discriminate against people they see as different, so make sure you keep this in mind. People would ask me if I thought someone was gay, I would just tell them that I don\'t judge. The truth is people are not put on this Earth to judge or mistreat others, but to help each other and sadly this is not the case in most instances. Just know you are not alone, and even though society my deem us different we are people too and should not be treated any different than anyone else. Sorry if this is to long, but feel free to vent and put any thoughts or advice you may want on the DS transgender blog because there are a lot of helpful people here and this is a judgement free zone, so don\'t worry. I have found it very helpful on my journey and hopefully you might too. Big Hug:-)
Hey ty for your comments I really appreciate them x
Although I really dont know if I can bear to \'inflict\' this on the ppl I love - mainly my parents who already hd to endure the many stressful occasions I created during all those years when I didnt understand and hated myself - I have none the less already sought out a therapist (waiting for a reply), joined a local group which I can attend dressed as I want (when I have a proper full outfit shoes, make up and all) and even chosen a wig and looked into make-over appointments for Transgender ppl... thus Ive no idea as yet how a transition will fit into my life but Ive set the ball rolling to find out.
Ive just spent a sleepless night cos Im just so excited to leave the past behind and dive into the future, Im just so enjoying being \'me\' again after all this time lol
Thanks again for taking the time to reach out to me, Im very grateful :)
Much Love
Sami xxxx