where to begin

I'm not sure how I got so far gone. I had some issues growing up but nothing that seems it would truly scar me for life. Born to a teen mom who's sperm donation was forced out of our lives for fear of his family abandoning him, my mom did the best she could with what she had. striving to better herself she found a good older man to marry and we became a family. After a couple years of marriage and little brother later my mom left us, learning later in life she was a victim of religious tyranny and sexual abuse by my adopted father. After she left he raised us, giving us a good life, filled with a lot of church background support and soon remarried to the woman who mostly raised me. My mother went on to marry the man that she 'left my dad' for, and began raising his 3 kids, seeing my brother and I only every other weekend....maybe. Looking back now I see she was trying. Trying to get a good job, make a good life, peruse education. But to a young girl with a bullseye for bullies it felt like abandonment. First my dad didn't want me...now my mom. Shuffled back in forth between wanting to belong somewhere and hating everyone. At a younge age I realized I had a super power...yes my power was that I could make anyone I grew close to disappear. I also learned of an antidote, never let them see the real me. If I always wore a mask...if I found a way to ALWAYS be happy people where bound to be nice to me at least...even if they didn't like me. So I put on a servants mask, allowing my wit and jester show, and hiding the increasing depression in my heart. I had a councillor once in 10th grade attempt to tell my family I was depressed, to which they dismissed as 'phycobabble' and an attempt to create issues in a 'happy' kid. So I saw my issue for what it was....nothing. Fast forward several bad relationships later, and you'll find this same little girl now fully developed and a mother who has found an amazing man to support her. He has taken her kids as his own and loves her completely, and she in return has given everything she has, except to show him behind the mask. She has hinted at it many times trying to express why she gets so quiet sometimes but he doesn't acknowledge it because 'you are so happy all the time', 'you are kindest most giving person I know'...words that the little girl recognizes so well. These presumably encouraging words translate to one thing,' These are the things I love about you, and they are fake. If you were not these things, I would not love you'. So I continue to hide in this adult body, letting out only a little bit at a time when I can blame it on something else. I want my mask off...I want to preserve my relationships. I want to be a real mom, a real partner, a real person. Then at times I know these qualities I have shown are not false. I AM kind, and caring, and sometimes to a fault, but It isn't that I am not real. I have a real yearning to do these things. But it all stems from abandonment.