Where to begin...

Where to begin….I am a survivor of childhood abuse, physical, sexual, mental, alcohol, drug, you-name-it abuse. My siblings and I was placed into 4 different state foster homes between my ages of 7yrs to 12yrs, only to be placed back with my mother who happened to marry a man that was later discovered to be a pedophile. But that did not deter my mother who chose me to be the “sacrificial lamb” that was to keep him happy and around – she even went to the point of “joining in” on the sexual abuse of her own daughter. (I know – it’s sickening, yet…here I am to write about it)
I married my first husband at the age of 16, yes, to get away from my mother and that man, but also because I thought he was my rescuer. Our marriage lasted 6weeks shy of 29 years before he decided he married the wrong girl and hooked back up with his Jr. High sweetheart….more on that later.
We had our first child, Daughter when I was 18yrs old and our Son when I was 21yrs old. I was terrified when D came along – I heard of the child abuse statistics and I did not want to be one of those people.
When D was 3yrs and S was 3months old, the #3 foster parents called me one day (they were devout Christians and to this day foster mom still stays in contact with me even though she is well into her 80’s) to see if I was taking my babies to church…no, I wasn’t…well, they will be in the neighborhood tomorrow and will swing by to pick us up for service (their ‘swinging by’ was 210 miles out of their way).
It was exactly what I needed – from that Sunday forward I took my children to Church every single time those Church doors opened.
It wasn’t easy – breaking the cycle of abuse but now I had a loving supportive Church family to help me grow into the Mosaic Child of God. This Church family sponsored me through the beginning days of my therapy and counseling. I went 18 months straight, mostly once a week, and sometimes even twice a week if what I was dealing with was especially traumatic. I have been on 11-12 different anti-depression Rx at one time or other, but ended up off all meds and deal with my bouts of depression with Christian counseling even now.
I became estranged from my mother during my counseling, writing her a letter stating the price of being her daughter was too high and I needed to protect my precious children from her abusive ways. My mother never openly admitted to any of the abuse, just made excuses of why I was abused, the drugs, the alcohol, her own upbringing, but never her doing. I did not see my mother again for 15 years – the last time was at her funeral, where I placed a letter in her folded hands, telling her goodbye and that I had always loved her and I forgave her.
My kids and I had a great relationship (or so I was lead to believe), they knew mom had childhood abuse issues but not in great detail. They witnessed my MAJOR depression during the first year of counseling, yes, even to the point of contemplating suicide. We grew from this, we became stronger, my D is a second grade teacher and some of her compassion for her low-income children comes from what she knows her mother went through as a child, my S is a lawyer and is an advocate for abused women. At this point in my life I believed I had made my greatest accomplishment in life – I broke the abuse cycle and had two happy, well-adjusted adult children.
Fast forward to 2006 – when their dad decided he married the wrong person – D is 26yrs, S is 23yrs old. After a 10 month court battle and an attempted suicide on my part, I give in and let go.
During the divorce I met the OW ex-husband, we became phone friends because of the 191 miles difference between us and later support friends and even later…husband and wife. (I know – weird), but this gift from God has been so good for me and to me. He’s a Godly man who loves his wife, kids and wife’s kids as well; one who laughs every single day and does his best to make you laugh with him. My depression bouts had become fewer and further in between. Three months into our marriage I noticed I slept all night – never had I done that before…I learned at an early age not to sleep soundly living under the roof of a pedophile. AND at the age of 46 I started having a 28 day cycle – that also never happened in my life before – yes, at 51…I’m still having those blasted 28 day cycles!! When home life is peaceful the soul knows this and the body responds. J
The kids did not speak to their dad very much in the beginning after the divorce and the more I tried to help them build this bridge between their dad and his new wife, (my new hubby’s ex-wife) the more they resented me as well as him. So I backed away and worked on my forgiveness towards first husband.
D, S and Step-D all married during the year 2009 – very stressful year to say the least; in 2010 D had a miscarriage, our first grandbaby pregnancy. She hasn’t been able to conceive since. In 2012 DIL becomes pregnant with twins!! YAY - a boy and a girl.
DIL comes from a very affluent family – S married well above his family’s status, and we all believed – in the beginning – that this was not a big deal. Sadly, we were wrong. Her parents have taken their entire family, 4 adult children of their own, with the in-laws included, to Europe on three different extended vacations. And I was happy that my S had the opportunity to be a part of this adventure – never in my wildest dreams did I believe it would change the boy I raised to look down on me!
All seemed well – I do not like ‘center of attention’ and do not mind if someone else wants the spot. DIL only wants ‘center of attention’ and I started watching her during family get-togethers (only twice a year even though they lived an hour and forty-five minutes from our front door), if she wasn’t the center of attention she either (a) did not add to the conversation or (b) changed the conversation to swirl around her. And I was willing to allow this – “accept people where they are” is my way of thinking. She needed ‘center stage’.
When S and DIL went on those extended European vacations with her family – we would drive down to their home, pick up their precious pup (and I truly mean that – I love their pup), keep him anywhere from 10 to 15 days and drive him back to their home for them.
When DIL went into the hospital with premature labor Easter Sunday, we already had the pup….and this would be were the things started to change….
She had the twins 7 weeks early, on May 2nd. DIL is home by May 9th and babies are in the NICU, Level 2. We were not invited nor allowed at the birthing, but we could come the next day. We saw them for 10 minutes and teared-up over the tininess of them both, with so many tubes going in them.
On May 10th we drive down to take precious pup back to DIL and ask when we can see the babies again, we cannot go without the parents because of the NICU. S invites us to come up Sunday, go to Church with them and then go out to eat after Church, then we all could go on down to Houston to see the babies! J “UM, No”, says DIL to S, “remember we’ve already made plans with her mom and dad”….Light bulb pops on in my head….Mother’s Day Sunday with her mom and I’m not invited. Nice, DIL, really nice. My feelings are hurt but I am not one to make a scene so I back out of it and say I understand.
We do not get to see the babies again until June 6th, both babies are home and we can come up to hold them. BEST-TWO-HOURS-EVER!!! I hold them, feed them their bottles, tried to kiss the sides of their heads only to be told that was not allowed, you know…preemies and all? Okay?
Ask, and ask, and ask over and over again when we could come up and stay a few days to help with the babies….not one day is available….her mom, her dad, her sister, her sister-in-law who has two kids under three yrs of age, his dad and step mom, his sister, etc., have all been penciled in the calendar.
Can we just come up and see the babies one afternoon?? Yes, says DIL, Thursday afternoon. YAY!!! And oh, by the way, I’m off Wednesday of this week, and my D is there with you this same week to help with the twins, would it be okay if I come then and spend some extra time with everyone, because I hadn’t seen D since Christmas Day?? AND I QUOTE (from text that came back TWO DAYS later) “Wednesday does not work for us. Thursday is what will have to work for you. Thanks for offering though.” UH??? Thanks for offering to spend time with my family???
We go Thursday, hurt and a little unsure of what is going on. We get there at 2:45PM. When we arrive her mom decides to leave, so it’s me, Stepdad, DIL, and D with the two twins in their little bassinettes in the sitting area upstairs. It’s a very chilly welcoming from all adults there. I’m feeling very out of place here and not sure if I should ask to hold the babies or let them sleep. I go to the upstairs bath and wash my hands and apparently (even though I do not recall) I pet precious pup on the way out. I come to baby girl’s bassinette and ever-so-gentle touch the BOTTOM of her foot with my pointer finger to which DIL gives me a sharp “NO, BlindsidedBy2, Do not touch baby before sanitizing your hands after you’ve touched the dog – he’s been in the trash, she says, and he’s been in the cat litter box as well!” I’m speechless – and very unsure of myself. I go to sit by my safe-person, Hubs. Take a breath and then come back over to bassinette after I compose myself. Still too timid to touch or even ask to hold babies now. D knows this but is totally on the side of DIL. Precious Pup is still running around the room, wanting to be petted by me, who is afraid to even touch him now. Not once does anyone remove precious pup from around the baby-area.
We were there for 3 hours and not once were we offered to hold babies, feed babies or even offered a glass of water. We left and I start crying after we got on the road. D did not even get up to tell me good-bye, just sat there holding her nephew.
Five days later – S calls. I ask how my grandbabies are doing; he tells me GD had a seizure Thursday night after we left and they had to take her to Texas Children’s after he came home from work. GD stayed in the hospital from Thursday thru Sunday, not one phone call to me, not even from D who is there with S and DIL.
And then the true reason for calling me comes – bullets from S:

My past is my problem – not his, DIL or his kids to have to hear about or deal with, and until I get this right he’s not sure I need to be in a relationship with him or his family
I don’t have a healthy relationship with my kids. I run away from my problems and he buries his and because he buries his problems with me and doesn’t talk to me whenever I upset him or DIL he will have a stroke or heart-attack before he’s 50
He feels he can’t talk to me because I cry and it makes him upset. I use crying to keep him from talking about his true feelings whenever he needs to stand up to me
He feels I do this in a way to “play games” with both him and his sister and to get my way with them
I have been emotionally abusive to both my kids – D is in counseling not only because of the divorce but because of my emotional abuse towards her (by the way, let me just add Stepdad and I have sent her over $4,000 in the last 12 months to help with the counseling and not one time did she say “mom, you’re my problem”. Just took the checks we sent to her)
I should have called before coming down – it’s only common courtesy to call (I guess that applies even after you are invited to come down, too??)
Not dealing with his feeling with me has caused him to “drink himself to sleep at night” and makes him yell at DIL
He is still angry about the divorce and the whole “WIFE SWAP” issue
I need to learn to handle whatever he and his sister are upset with me about and not “run a way” or “play games” with their emotions
QUOTE – “We trust (DIL’s mother’s name) a lot more than we trust BlindsidedBy2 right now”
If I talk to their Dad, they do not want to hear about it. They do not care if we are getting along with each other
It is inappropriate for me to relay anything S says to me to his dad even if it has to do with grandbabies – that is for him to relay

After about an hour of crying my eyes out and questioning if I’ve ever abused my kids in any way – the one thing I’ve spent my entire life trying to keep from my kids – I call my D to ask her if she feels the same way. Here are her bullets:

She confirms her brother’s statement – I was and still am emotionally abusive towards her and her brother
She feels I do and say things that are manipulative (but she is sure I was taught this behavior from my upbringing, so does her counselor)
She has taken on a lot of emotional hurt from me that was not her’s to take on and was not her fault
I make EVERYTHING about me. Whenever she’s hurting I turn the situation around to make it about me – this really hurts her
I ruined her wedding because I made it about me. It hurt her because I left with my feeling hurt and didn’t call her for 3 weeks after her wedding and honeymoon
I made her miscarriage about me. It was her baby but I cried and she felt as though she had to console me when I should have sucked it up to comfort her
I act childish to get my way with my kids
I need to go back into counseling to overcome my manipulative ways
She will not discuss her brother, his wife or family with me in any way
She doesn’t want to discuss her Dad or his wife with me – EVER
My attempted suicide was “staged” so she would have to find me – manipulation on my part
She doesn’t like to talk to me when I’m sad, upset or having a bad day because I make her feel bad – and it’s not her place to make me feel better.

I cried from 7pm that evening until 2am Wednesday – when I started my email to them both:
Dear Daughter & Son,
I write this to ask you both for forgiveness. Please do not look at this email as "I'm playing games, manipulating your emotions or trying to make this about me". I am not doing any of this.
The greatest accomplishment in my life was breaking the cycle of abuse so my children and their children would never know the damning effects it leaves on a person's very soul for their entire life - only to find out I did not stop the abuse at all.
I am so ashamed of myself - to be told I've been emotionally abusive to you both for years.
It took great courage on your parts to be able to voice this out loud to me. I'm so sorry you even had to.
Son, I'm so sorry I hurt you and I do understand why you would not want your babies around me, I do not blame you at all. You are completely within your right as a father to protect your children from all forms of abuse. I'm proud of you for standing up and telling me how much my actions and behavior has hurt you, your wife and your sister. I am so sorry. Please forgive me.
Daughter, I feel I've hurt you the most, and I can never erase that. I never staged my attempt of suicide and I'll never forgive myself for you having to deal with it. I am so very sorry I ruined your wedding and honeymoon by making it about me and what I was going through. I am terribly sorry I didn't have enough sense to understand how much my emotions towards your miscarriage hurt you. This was extremely selfish of me. Please forgive me.
I truly did not know how emotionally abusive I was until tonight, and the fact that you two speak to me at all shows what wonderful, caring adults you are and says a lot about your character and inner strength. You two are the finest.
I'll be looking into more counseling soon. I'm not as healthy as I thought I was. Being an abuser was never someone I thought I would end up accused of being.
Tonight has been a lot for me to digest about myself - I hope to one day become healthy enough for both you and SIL, and you and DIL to feel comfortable enough to have me as a part of your lives, and your children's lives, to be able to trust me as much as you trust others in your lives now. Right at this moment, after what has been brought to my attention concerning my behavior towards all of you, I cannot truly say I am healthy enough to continue to be allowed.
I will not be contacting either of you for a bit - until I can get a grasp on my abusive behavior. Please try to understand - this is in no way an act of punishment towards anyone other than me. I am very hesitate to talk to either of you or your spouses out of shame and guilt, and out of not knowing how to talk to you without seeming to make it about me or as though I'm playing games, and because of the uncertainty I feel when I even think of talking to you, questioning myself, my every thought (even as I write this - these thoughts and second-guessing are running through my head).
I can promise you both I am not playing a game of any sort. What I feel right now, the shame and the guilt, the repulsiveness I feel inside, is very real.
I love you both with every ounce of my being. I tried so hard to be a good mom - and I guess I have let you both down. I am truly sorry. I honestly did not know I was being abusive.
~ Mom
My S’s reply (D didn’t reply at all)
Mom-
Thanks for the note and I appreciate the conversation we had yesterday. I think this is a good plan and I will continue to pray for guidance on how to move forward in our relationship. On a side note, I just wanted to clarify one thing that maybe I didn't make clear yesterday: when you and I have a conversation, I would prefer that it stay between us unless I indicate otherwise. It was inappropriate for you to tell Dad about GD. That was my news to relay.
I love you-
Son
So….Long story later….here I am, in counseling asking my counselor whom I’ve been with for the last 6 years, am I an abuser, what does it mean to be emotionally abusive and why is it all coming out now if it has been that way all along??
Counselor is leaning towards DIL’s influence on S and D. Daughter even said at one point during our last phone conversation “if DIL wants me to stand on my head to feed those babies than that is exactly what I should do and ask her if this is the way she would prefer it each time”!! WHOA – Really?
I know I have insecurity issues, I don’t exert my opinions, I’m the basic survivor of abuse, timid, thinking of other’s first, a real people pleaser, will sacrifice all I have if it would make you happy, and I do pull away when I am hurt, I don’t stand up for myself as I should all the time.
Why can’t I just have a normal life, God???