Where is my heart
As i sit here today thinking of all my actions over the last several days, I can see that I am still trying to bring her home and resume a relationship with her, even after all that has happened.
Looking at myself from afar, I see a desperate man. I see that I am willing to be the only one that changes, and that I am setting myself up for another fall. Why is this man doing this to himself. Why cant he get a hold of himself and just push forward? I see maybe pride. Dont want to have failed in a marriage and dont want another man being in my place., loneliness; dont want to spend life alone. I just know that I dont want my daughter to be without her mother. and I dont know if another mom would devote the time she needed. i am just searching and looking for answers to these questions in my heart and soul.
Looking at myself from afar, I see a desperate man. I see that I am willing to be the only one that changes, and that I am setting myself up for another fall. Why is this man doing this to himself. Why cant he get a hold of himself and just push forward? I see maybe pride. Dont want to have failed in a marriage and dont want another man being in my place., loneliness; dont want to spend life alone. I just know that I dont want my daughter to be without her mother. and I dont know if another mom would devote the time she needed. i am just searching and looking for answers to these questions in my heart and soul.
Replies
It gets better. Life has a way of working itself out. It\'s hard for us to see and understand most of the time and not until we\'re in the good to we begin to see we needed the bad to get there.
You can change and become exactly what you think the OP wants you to be---but that doesn\'t work. It never will. It\'s best to just be yourself and be proud of yourself. Be true to yourself.
Be true to myself. Great advice, now to just get the heart to do it..thanks!
I keep thinking how I want to have what I had before even with the fighting and non trusting for me is that so bad? Yes it is but my heart was so used to it, A day never went by where we never slept alone now its 2 months on the 27th ah its unhealthy for me to keep doing this to myself.
It\'s like everyday is new version of your own personal HELL isn\'t it? It\'s so beyond painful and soul conflicting and head screwing to be only one of two who wants what was once shared and wants to fight for what they believed would be forever. I know I\'m going on 5 weeks of his inferno that has become my life and I\'ve had to deal with all of it in my house. He doesn\'t bring the OW over (a little respect for me but more fear of me than anything..smart man!) but I\'ve gone from being alone and isolated all day long to being alone and isolated during the weekends where I thought we connected and enjoyed our life together. At the end of day lostdaddy I think you have to look at yourself and her and ask yourself why would I want to be with someone who is capable of this kind of betrayal, disprespect and completely void of caring about what it\'s doing to me? I am starting to feel a new wave of hope in my life as I\'m gettin closer to leaving my situation and you need to realize and we all do on some level that love; healthy, positive, beautiful love, wouldn\'t have the power to make us this sad, lonely, disturbed and angry. Atleast that\'s what I am being forced to tell myself so I can move past this person and the last 13 years of my life. You try your best to take care of you, cherish your little girl and find a little piece of joy in being alive everyday! Take care :)
thank you dlady13 i have never heard it put quite put that way. U know this, I feel, is my last effort to reconcile. but as I see, it is me that will have to change while she sits and watches me do it and just waiting for me to fail.
Is this what I want for my life? no. I just can only see my love for her right now. I am hoping that one day soon, i will wake up and find myself not loving her as much and not needing her like i do now. It goes from the beauty of her laugh, her face, the way her hand fit good in mine to the bed and the things we shared. but am i ready to always be untrustworthy of her? now if i can get my heart to see logic. but is love logical? i dont want to be 20 years from now and still wishing that i tried just a little bit harder. My brain hurts and so does my heart. but thanks and I will remember your words.