Where I Am
This is where I am as of 2/5/2016.
I'm back in therapy once a week. I see a licensed counselor, not a psychologist or psychiatrist. She is very nice but mainly only helps me by listening. It's worth the cost since I have no one else to talk to about how messed up my mind is.
My counselor suggested that I ask my GYN to change my antidepressant, since I've been on zoloft for a couple of years now and it seems to be losing its effectiveness. So I did, I called my GYN and they changed me to lexapro. I've only been taking it for four days and I can already tell a difference -- not in a good way. My moods are all over the place, my dreams are crazy and I wake up exhausted. Yesterday at the grocery store I almost had a panic attack, which hasn't happened in years. I know it can take 2 - 4 weeks for a new SSRI to become effective. I'm just hoping it happens sooner rather than later, because my mental state is not getting any better.
.......
When I wake up in the morning, there's a moment of pure, blue silence. It's that moment of awareness when consciousness returns, but I have yet to open my eyes. I see my mom there. She is standing in the kitchen, or on the porch, or in the living room of our old house where we lived when I was very young. She herself looks younger. Usually happy. I think, "I should call mom."
Then I'm awake, and the blue fades to the black of my dark bedroom. I remember that she's gone. Pain crawls over me slowly and I let it, having no strength or will to fight back.
In that moment I wish the dark would take me too.
I'm so tired all the time.
I'm back in therapy once a week. I see a licensed counselor, not a psychologist or psychiatrist. She is very nice but mainly only helps me by listening. It's worth the cost since I have no one else to talk to about how messed up my mind is.
My counselor suggested that I ask my GYN to change my antidepressant, since I've been on zoloft for a couple of years now and it seems to be losing its effectiveness. So I did, I called my GYN and they changed me to lexapro. I've only been taking it for four days and I can already tell a difference -- not in a good way. My moods are all over the place, my dreams are crazy and I wake up exhausted. Yesterday at the grocery store I almost had a panic attack, which hasn't happened in years. I know it can take 2 - 4 weeks for a new SSRI to become effective. I'm just hoping it happens sooner rather than later, because my mental state is not getting any better.
.......
When I wake up in the morning, there's a moment of pure, blue silence. It's that moment of awareness when consciousness returns, but I have yet to open my eyes. I see my mom there. She is standing in the kitchen, or on the porch, or in the living room of our old house where we lived when I was very young. She herself looks younger. Usually happy. I think, "I should call mom."
Then I'm awake, and the blue fades to the black of my dark bedroom. I remember that she's gone. Pain crawls over me slowly and I let it, having no strength or will to fight back.
In that moment I wish the dark would take me too.
I'm so tired all the time.
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