Where I've Been, Where I Am, Where I'm Headed...
Hmmm...how do I begin to tell my story...I'm sure it sounds similar to yours in some way, shape, or form...
I could tell you that I used to make random wagers as an adolescent, but that wouldn't cover it. I actually did not have an issue with gambling until September 2011. My roommates and I had gone to the vineyards in VA for a series of wine-tastings when one of them said, "Hey, Charles Town is not too far! Anyone wanna go gamble???"
At this point, I was down for it! I had been to Vegas the year before during Christmas, and had simply chose to play Bingo a few times and keep it moving. I had been in Atlantic City 4 months before that for my brother's bachelor party weekend and had played at the $1 Blackjack table with a friend. We both lost $50 and once again, kept it pushing.
Something about this experience was different. Clearly something had drastically changed in my life because now the lights meant something different. The bets had actual meaning, and I felt alive because I was a "winner". I felt like everything in my life must have been going my way, so why wouldn't gambling be the same?? I walked away winning $400. I came back 3 weeks later with those same roommates, but this time I took $1200 with me. I got down to my last $25 about 5 hours after we arrived, but was determined to get back to at least even. One of my roommates actually went to sleep in the car until 5:30 a.m. because I actually sat there and won every penny back.
Bad idea! Because now I was led to believe that I controlled the odds and could manipulate the game so I had the upper hand. Man, was I wrong. It went from a casual outing to any every weekend thing. Mind you, I lived 70 miles from Charles Town, so the commute wasn't fun, easy, or cheap. I totaled my car that December, and a simple $1000 debt to the bank that financed my vehicle sent me over the edge. I went to the casino in hopes of winning that money so I could get another loan after paying off the balance. We won't talk about how I had already had two previous repossessions on my credit report due to poor management of money at a young age and bad decision making when trying to help out a friend...I'll save that for another day...
From that day on, gambling took the place of everything and everyone in my life. I no longer socialized with people unless they were placing bets with me, begging me for a "quarter" to get them back in the game, or dealing me the cards. All I could think about was going and placing that next bet, because that would definitely be the "big one" to get me back where I wanted to be. To make up for the $1000 I needed, I went $26000 in the hole in a span of 6 months playing blackjack and three card poker. What was once fun because a requirement, even causing me to miss several days from work. When you're a teacher, people notice when you're not around. One day, I literally stayed in the casino for 24 hours, missing the entire day of work without notifying anyone. My emails were piling up, but I had no idea because my internet and cell phone were cut off since I hadn't been paying any bills. My apartment was suing me for 2 months of back rent because I hadn't paid them either. The walls were closing in around me and the only way out I could see involved me placing more bets.
I knew within the first two months of my actions that I had a problem. I even told my then-girlfriend, my mother, and a bunch of coworkers. However, I am a very clever and persuasive person so they would just believe what I told them. I continued to go to Charles Town whenever I got the chance and wouldn't tell anyone about it unless I needed their help after the fact because I "messed up...AGAIN".
I self-excluded from Charles Town after a wretched night of gambling on July 1, 2012. I haven't been back there since. But like all compulsive gamblers, that didn't last long. One of my coworkers had told me that he goes and gambles in Delaware, and all of a sudden, an opportunity arose. I went to Dover Downs exactly 3 times, and lost $3000, $1000, and $6000 on each occasion, respectively. At that point, my then-girlfriend said enough is enough and took control of my finances because I had just moved in with her earlier that month. August 11, 2012, I found myself having a 6 hour conversation with her and the next day we went to an open GA meeting together.
For the next 9 months, I went to GA meetings on Sundays and Mondays, but something was still lacking in my life and I had the urge to go gambling. I had my car repossessed in December and was in debt up to my eyeballs. Mind you, I had just finished paying off the majority of the debts I had created when I was in college the year before. One morning while I was eating breakfast before work, I was watching the news as always and they were at Maryland Live! Casino talking about the opening of table games. I had never had an interest in online betting or playing through an electronic dealer, so I was good on going to Live. However, I only lived 25 minutes from there, had access to a car, and it was just the "excuse" I needed to get back into the life.
I kid you not, it was like Charles Town all over again. I went in there in mid-May 2013, and the first 4 times I went I won $1300, $1500, $1700, and $7200, respectively. I would take my winnings and leave, depositing the money into my bank account because after all those months she trusted me again and gave me back control of my own finances. She had no idea that I was getting off of work and going to gamble for a couple of hours on the days I knew she would get home late. It was the perfect plan, until that $7200 win. That day, I was on such a hot streak that I stayed in the casino for 24 hours straight. Only problem was, I hadn't communicated with her at all and it was her car I was driving. When I got home, she took the keys from me so I had no way to get to the bank to deposit the money. I kept it in my sock drawer, but every time I saw it, I wanted to double, triple, and even quadruple it because I "couldn't lose at Live". Ha! Gotta love the lies we tell ourselves!
This time around was even worse than the first time because now I was going to do anything I could to go gamble. I called the cab company and paid the driver $100 each way just to take me there and back and wait for me in between. I never won there again. I lost the $7200 plus a lot more. I ended things with my girlfriend because I could no longer allow her to allow me to defeat myself, nor did I want to take her down that destructive path with me any longer. I think God put her there for a season, and the season was ending.
I acknowledged that it was getting out of control again in August 2013 and my mother recommended I get a therapist. I had been hesitant to the idea for a while, but I was willing to do whatever to get this problem to stop at once! I started seeing a therapist on a weekly basis, and things were going well. I was clean and sober, getting things together, with my own apartment and paying my bills on time. I had accountability partners and they were helping me by letting me stay with them on payday weekends so I wouldn't go gamble and began to rebuild my social life after a year and some months of isolation from the world. I had even been switched to monthly therapy sessions because I was making such great progress. Then two and a half weeks ago, I slipped. I've gambled 3 times since then, with the most recent being this past Saturday. The sad part is, I didn't even have a reason for going this last time. That scared me beyond belief and I immediately alerted everyone who knew my situation that I was back in that mindset and to hold me accountable for my actions. I reached out to immediate family, trusted coworkers, and even told my therapist about the events.
That leads me to the present. I will be self-excluding from all MD casinos on Saturday. I have given up my zipcard to a trusted friend so that I will not have access to a vehicle. I don't have a credit card so I can't get a rental car even if I wanted to. The nearest casino is in Delaware and I have no desire to go. I am doing everything in my power to STOP THIS ADDICTION.
I am happy that I found this site and will be posting regularly. I look forward to building a sense of community with all of the other people on here, and I'm sure we will provide the right type of encouragement and support for one another. I do recommend getting the "One Day at a Time" GA book as it just has daily passages that keep you in check when your ego wants to take over or your pride decides to outshine your common sense.
I think this first entry is lengthy enough, so I'll cut it here. I'm headed in the right direction, and I hope that you will come along for the ride! Thanks for reading/listening, and feel free to respond. I could use all the encouragement and support I can get!
I could tell you that I used to make random wagers as an adolescent, but that wouldn't cover it. I actually did not have an issue with gambling until September 2011. My roommates and I had gone to the vineyards in VA for a series of wine-tastings when one of them said, "Hey, Charles Town is not too far! Anyone wanna go gamble???"
At this point, I was down for it! I had been to Vegas the year before during Christmas, and had simply chose to play Bingo a few times and keep it moving. I had been in Atlantic City 4 months before that for my brother's bachelor party weekend and had played at the $1 Blackjack table with a friend. We both lost $50 and once again, kept it pushing.
Something about this experience was different. Clearly something had drastically changed in my life because now the lights meant something different. The bets had actual meaning, and I felt alive because I was a "winner". I felt like everything in my life must have been going my way, so why wouldn't gambling be the same?? I walked away winning $400. I came back 3 weeks later with those same roommates, but this time I took $1200 with me. I got down to my last $25 about 5 hours after we arrived, but was determined to get back to at least even. One of my roommates actually went to sleep in the car until 5:30 a.m. because I actually sat there and won every penny back.
Bad idea! Because now I was led to believe that I controlled the odds and could manipulate the game so I had the upper hand. Man, was I wrong. It went from a casual outing to any every weekend thing. Mind you, I lived 70 miles from Charles Town, so the commute wasn't fun, easy, or cheap. I totaled my car that December, and a simple $1000 debt to the bank that financed my vehicle sent me over the edge. I went to the casino in hopes of winning that money so I could get another loan after paying off the balance. We won't talk about how I had already had two previous repossessions on my credit report due to poor management of money at a young age and bad decision making when trying to help out a friend...I'll save that for another day...
From that day on, gambling took the place of everything and everyone in my life. I no longer socialized with people unless they were placing bets with me, begging me for a "quarter" to get them back in the game, or dealing me the cards. All I could think about was going and placing that next bet, because that would definitely be the "big one" to get me back where I wanted to be. To make up for the $1000 I needed, I went $26000 in the hole in a span of 6 months playing blackjack and three card poker. What was once fun because a requirement, even causing me to miss several days from work. When you're a teacher, people notice when you're not around. One day, I literally stayed in the casino for 24 hours, missing the entire day of work without notifying anyone. My emails were piling up, but I had no idea because my internet and cell phone were cut off since I hadn't been paying any bills. My apartment was suing me for 2 months of back rent because I hadn't paid them either. The walls were closing in around me and the only way out I could see involved me placing more bets.
I knew within the first two months of my actions that I had a problem. I even told my then-girlfriend, my mother, and a bunch of coworkers. However, I am a very clever and persuasive person so they would just believe what I told them. I continued to go to Charles Town whenever I got the chance and wouldn't tell anyone about it unless I needed their help after the fact because I "messed up...AGAIN".
I self-excluded from Charles Town after a wretched night of gambling on July 1, 2012. I haven't been back there since. But like all compulsive gamblers, that didn't last long. One of my coworkers had told me that he goes and gambles in Delaware, and all of a sudden, an opportunity arose. I went to Dover Downs exactly 3 times, and lost $3000, $1000, and $6000 on each occasion, respectively. At that point, my then-girlfriend said enough is enough and took control of my finances because I had just moved in with her earlier that month. August 11, 2012, I found myself having a 6 hour conversation with her and the next day we went to an open GA meeting together.
For the next 9 months, I went to GA meetings on Sundays and Mondays, but something was still lacking in my life and I had the urge to go gambling. I had my car repossessed in December and was in debt up to my eyeballs. Mind you, I had just finished paying off the majority of the debts I had created when I was in college the year before. One morning while I was eating breakfast before work, I was watching the news as always and they were at Maryland Live! Casino talking about the opening of table games. I had never had an interest in online betting or playing through an electronic dealer, so I was good on going to Live. However, I only lived 25 minutes from there, had access to a car, and it was just the "excuse" I needed to get back into the life.
I kid you not, it was like Charles Town all over again. I went in there in mid-May 2013, and the first 4 times I went I won $1300, $1500, $1700, and $7200, respectively. I would take my winnings and leave, depositing the money into my bank account because after all those months she trusted me again and gave me back control of my own finances. She had no idea that I was getting off of work and going to gamble for a couple of hours on the days I knew she would get home late. It was the perfect plan, until that $7200 win. That day, I was on such a hot streak that I stayed in the casino for 24 hours straight. Only problem was, I hadn't communicated with her at all and it was her car I was driving. When I got home, she took the keys from me so I had no way to get to the bank to deposit the money. I kept it in my sock drawer, but every time I saw it, I wanted to double, triple, and even quadruple it because I "couldn't lose at Live". Ha! Gotta love the lies we tell ourselves!
This time around was even worse than the first time because now I was going to do anything I could to go gamble. I called the cab company and paid the driver $100 each way just to take me there and back and wait for me in between. I never won there again. I lost the $7200 plus a lot more. I ended things with my girlfriend because I could no longer allow her to allow me to defeat myself, nor did I want to take her down that destructive path with me any longer. I think God put her there for a season, and the season was ending.
I acknowledged that it was getting out of control again in August 2013 and my mother recommended I get a therapist. I had been hesitant to the idea for a while, but I was willing to do whatever to get this problem to stop at once! I started seeing a therapist on a weekly basis, and things were going well. I was clean and sober, getting things together, with my own apartment and paying my bills on time. I had accountability partners and they were helping me by letting me stay with them on payday weekends so I wouldn't go gamble and began to rebuild my social life after a year and some months of isolation from the world. I had even been switched to monthly therapy sessions because I was making such great progress. Then two and a half weeks ago, I slipped. I've gambled 3 times since then, with the most recent being this past Saturday. The sad part is, I didn't even have a reason for going this last time. That scared me beyond belief and I immediately alerted everyone who knew my situation that I was back in that mindset and to hold me accountable for my actions. I reached out to immediate family, trusted coworkers, and even told my therapist about the events.
That leads me to the present. I will be self-excluding from all MD casinos on Saturday. I have given up my zipcard to a trusted friend so that I will not have access to a vehicle. I don't have a credit card so I can't get a rental car even if I wanted to. The nearest casino is in Delaware and I have no desire to go. I am doing everything in my power to STOP THIS ADDICTION.
I am happy that I found this site and will be posting regularly. I look forward to building a sense of community with all of the other people on here, and I'm sure we will provide the right type of encouragement and support for one another. I do recommend getting the "One Day at a Time" GA book as it just has daily passages that keep you in check when your ego wants to take over or your pride decides to outshine your common sense.
I think this first entry is lengthy enough, so I'll cut it here. I'm headed in the right direction, and I hope that you will come along for the ride! Thanks for reading/listening, and feel free to respond. I could use all the encouragement and support I can get!
Replies
Hi, I just read your journal and yes you are right. We compulsive gamblers all have very similar stories and we just have gone down different paths. I always looked at the familiar faces at the casino and wished I could talk to them to see if they too are compelled to be there like me. This addiction is so very powerful. You are doing the right thing by putting up road blocks. It is the only thing that really works to keep your hard earned money safe. Of course GA and this site are very helpful too. People come and go here. I was gone for a long time but I am back. We all need to help each other. This is an epidemic. Take care, Keep coming back and doing what you are doing. Cherbear