Where I am right now

For the last few weeks I have been sad.   I thought this was a good time to get back in therapy.  i have not been in therapy since a year ago.  Thought I had healed to a great degree but as I see it now, there are still layers of pain that have not been felt.  I saw my therapist last Friday and it felt good to be back in therapy.  The therapist was not suprised that I am back in therapy, I am.  I really thought I had felt enough of the pain and would not feel this pain again.  But I am.  My therapist said when she first saw me 2 years ago, my mood was heavy.  She said it seems lighter this time.  At least now I can tell myself that this too, this time will pass as it has before.  Amazing how many layers of pain is still there to be felt and expressed.  I am not sure why the sadness.  I still think I feel shame to a degree that has not been healed.  Not sure again why a year later I am feeling on a deep level, but as I remember when I first started this  process I will, and I mean I will go thru whatever it takes to heal this soul of mine.  Is this grief on a deeper level I am feeling.  At 62 years of age, I have realized I did not live my life as I would have wanted to live it because I was not aware of the true damage to my mind and soul regarding the abuse.  The acting out with other men has got to be the biggest hurdle to overcome because I still feel the shame.  And now if I find an attraction to another man, even tho I will not act out of that desire, it dregs up all the shame of my acting out in my marriage.  My therapist said I have complex Post Traumatic Syndrome.  I asked for an explanation of what that meant.  She said it is normal to be attracted to other people and most people would allow the attraction to be there, but for me, it goes deeper.  For most of my life I acted out of that attraction and pursued the person I was attracted to .  I had sex with that person.  Now I am not doing that because I will not hurt my inner child and cause her pain.  I believe I am now feeling those feelings I would not have allowed myself too feel, because I would repress my feelings and go after the person with reckless abandon.  I guess it would be like someone who has stopped drinking or whatever addiction they had,  sort of like I have stopped drinking now what do I do with what I feel.  I have heard often enough when you stop doing a behavior that no longer works for you and is dysfunctional, you begin to feel.   I really think that is exactly what is happening.  I am stuck with being in struggle, feeling it, processing it . I believe I did not come on here at DS because of this shame.  I was posting and felt strong to be there for others and then this shame surfaced.  So typical of survivors I would think.  But this is when I need to be here to get the support from others.  It is easy to be supportive of others when you are on the good side of healing.  It feels as tho I took a few steps back, but really did not, this is just another layer of pain to be felt.  I know I will just be stronger thru this because I am chosing to go back into therapy and unleash more pain that has been stored for many years. This is a hard process this healing is and I personally admire all here who have the courage to be with whatever comes their way and face all that needs to be faced to heal.