Where I am now...
For me talking about my depression is hard. Talking to it to people who don't understand it is even worse. My husband doesn't understand it but he is honestly making an effort to understand it. He has an appointment with my therapist next week to see if she can help him understand my depression.
But that is not why I am writing here today. Talking about my depression is hard. I am a perfectionist and it is hard to admit that I have problems and I am not perfect and I do not have it all together. I hide my problems and pain from my loved ones and the world and I have gotten so good at hiding them that I have hidden them form myself. I do not know that I am going into a depressive episode until I have hit rock bottom. At that point that is when I have to ask for help. I am in a depressive episode now. Seems like it always happens in the summer time for the past 3 years. I do not know if there is a connection to my episodes with the season. But this one seems to be the worse one yet. The other ones once I realized I was in a severe depressive state I sought out help and once I was on the right track again I bounced back pretty quickly. This time I am seeking out help and I am trying to get on the right track but it isn't helping. I don't know what is different this time. I constantly feel like I am in a place I do not want to be. BUT I am not going to hurt myself because one I do not have the courage to do it and two I don't wan to put my loved ones through the pain of losing me. I cannot stop thinking about this. Even though I am not going to do anything these thoughts play through out my head all day long. All the negative thoughts... thoughts of worthlessness... thoughts of hopelessness. I just can't shake them this time. Before I bounced back pretty quickly but not this time.
I do know what triggered this episode. I had Cholecystectomy (gallbladder removed) by an Italian Dr at an Italian hospital. They level of care is a lot different than in the US. The administration process was horrible. I was told nothing about the procedure ahead of time or in the hospital. They actually forgot to have me sign the consent form before the surgery. They did not clean me off good after the surgery. I had blood on me and not just a little enough to look scary. I have had a more invasive surgery than this before. I did not recover as quickly as I thought I would. My insides felt as thought they had been moved around and messed with and they were sore and tender and they felt this way for about two weeks. I did not feel this way with my other surgery. I had black and blue bruises on a large area of stomach for three weeks. It takes a lot of force to leave bruises like that. My surgery was done laparoscopic and I had three small incisions and there was bruising 6 inches above the incision site. There had to be a lot of force to leave that kind of bruising. My other surgery I had that was more invasive I did not have any bruising from it and I had five incision sites. But I feel like my Dr was way too rough with me and he didn't respect me and I feel like I have been betrayed.
Also there is everything else that comes with the depression that I hate... the lack of motivation. It takes so much effort for me to do anything. For me to get out of bed, take a shower, get dressed, put makeup on, fix my hair, clean up, do laundry, and cook dinner. A lot of these things do not get done on a daily basis except cooking dinner and sometimes that ends up being something like sandwiches. Homework is the hardest thing that I have to do. It takes me a couple of hours to find the motivation to finally get up and do my homework. I think my school is the biggest stressor in my life now.
Exercise you can absolutely forget about me doing that... I have 0 motivation for that. My husband is a huge fitness buff and I think he is very disappointed in me now. He will never say it to me but I can sense it. We are having problems now because of my depression. I have severe trust issues with him but they are not irrational. He cheated on my in 2013 and I am not sure if trust can ever be completely regained. But we live an alterative lifestyle I will not go into details so you can just let your imaginations roam. But he has been a little dishonest in our lifestyle choices so that has brought out my trust issues. I have been checking his accounts and I have been finding stuff. I have confronted him about it and has a story behind the stuff that I found and I don't believe it. I am about 95% sure that he is lying to me but I don't have anyway to prove it. Our lifestyle is a bit complicated.
Currently I am on
Topiramate 100mg 2x a day
Wellbutrin 300mg 1x a day
Abilify 5mg 1x a day
Klonopin .5 mg as needed
The abilify was just added this week because of increased depression. Hopefully maybe it will work. The Klonopin helps me concentrate and I only take it when I do homework so maybe about three times a week.
But this is where I am in my life now I could probably go on for a while but I have other things I need to do and plus need to save some for later.
But that is not why I am writing here today. Talking about my depression is hard. I am a perfectionist and it is hard to admit that I have problems and I am not perfect and I do not have it all together. I hide my problems and pain from my loved ones and the world and I have gotten so good at hiding them that I have hidden them form myself. I do not know that I am going into a depressive episode until I have hit rock bottom. At that point that is when I have to ask for help. I am in a depressive episode now. Seems like it always happens in the summer time for the past 3 years. I do not know if there is a connection to my episodes with the season. But this one seems to be the worse one yet. The other ones once I realized I was in a severe depressive state I sought out help and once I was on the right track again I bounced back pretty quickly. This time I am seeking out help and I am trying to get on the right track but it isn't helping. I don't know what is different this time. I constantly feel like I am in a place I do not want to be. BUT I am not going to hurt myself because one I do not have the courage to do it and two I don't wan to put my loved ones through the pain of losing me. I cannot stop thinking about this. Even though I am not going to do anything these thoughts play through out my head all day long. All the negative thoughts... thoughts of worthlessness... thoughts of hopelessness. I just can't shake them this time. Before I bounced back pretty quickly but not this time.
I do know what triggered this episode. I had Cholecystectomy (gallbladder removed) by an Italian Dr at an Italian hospital. They level of care is a lot different than in the US. The administration process was horrible. I was told nothing about the procedure ahead of time or in the hospital. They actually forgot to have me sign the consent form before the surgery. They did not clean me off good after the surgery. I had blood on me and not just a little enough to look scary. I have had a more invasive surgery than this before. I did not recover as quickly as I thought I would. My insides felt as thought they had been moved around and messed with and they were sore and tender and they felt this way for about two weeks. I did not feel this way with my other surgery. I had black and blue bruises on a large area of stomach for three weeks. It takes a lot of force to leave bruises like that. My surgery was done laparoscopic and I had three small incisions and there was bruising 6 inches above the incision site. There had to be a lot of force to leave that kind of bruising. My other surgery I had that was more invasive I did not have any bruising from it and I had five incision sites. But I feel like my Dr was way too rough with me and he didn't respect me and I feel like I have been betrayed.
Also there is everything else that comes with the depression that I hate... the lack of motivation. It takes so much effort for me to do anything. For me to get out of bed, take a shower, get dressed, put makeup on, fix my hair, clean up, do laundry, and cook dinner. A lot of these things do not get done on a daily basis except cooking dinner and sometimes that ends up being something like sandwiches. Homework is the hardest thing that I have to do. It takes me a couple of hours to find the motivation to finally get up and do my homework. I think my school is the biggest stressor in my life now.
Exercise you can absolutely forget about me doing that... I have 0 motivation for that. My husband is a huge fitness buff and I think he is very disappointed in me now. He will never say it to me but I can sense it. We are having problems now because of my depression. I have severe trust issues with him but they are not irrational. He cheated on my in 2013 and I am not sure if trust can ever be completely regained. But we live an alterative lifestyle I will not go into details so you can just let your imaginations roam. But he has been a little dishonest in our lifestyle choices so that has brought out my trust issues. I have been checking his accounts and I have been finding stuff. I have confronted him about it and has a story behind the stuff that I found and I don't believe it. I am about 95% sure that he is lying to me but I don't have anyway to prove it. Our lifestyle is a bit complicated.
Currently I am on
Topiramate 100mg 2x a day
Wellbutrin 300mg 1x a day
Abilify 5mg 1x a day
Klonopin .5 mg as needed
The abilify was just added this week because of increased depression. Hopefully maybe it will work. The Klonopin helps me concentrate and I only take it when I do homework so maybe about three times a week.
But this is where I am in my life now I could probably go on for a while but I have other things I need to do and plus need to save some for later.
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