Where I am now.
It's been a long time since I did anything here or updated any goals...
It's been a bit of a whirlwind.
I thought I was finally going to get the surgery I needed for my mucosal prolapse syndrome because I was finally honest with my surgeon about what caused it. My therapist ensured me that he could not contact the law and without me giving any names, no-one could be arrested anyway so I finally did it, with my mums help. We told him what they did and why I'm like this and he was really understanding and nice to me. So I went under and I woke up with the shakes, but still so happy it was all going to be over soon. That's all I could think about when I was breathing the gas, "When you wake up... it's just a recovery away from being over." That's when I was taken back to my room and he told me that nothing could be done. Anything he could do would be too invasive for someone my age and could even make my symptoms more unbearable. So here I am a few months later, still dealing with it at university all by myself...
Nobody here really knows what happened to me in my past, so it's hard sometimes when they say how hard their lives are, and no-one understands what it feels like to like a boy and not know what to do about it. I sometimes feel like screaming... we all have to go through that stuff! If she only knew what I and so many others around her have to deal with behind closed doors... You could argue I don't know what she deals with behind those same closed doors. But she's one of those 'on-the-surface' people. She tells me everything that upsets her and I'm kind by nature and help... but it's never enough and she'd never and probably couldn't ever do the same.
University is hard enough... I feel like I'm really under this week and I have no-one to go to. There are counsellors... but for some reason I'm too scared to contact them. It's silly really. I've had enough counselling to not be scared and I know I could call my therapist from home any time and tell her I'm struggling... but again... something stops me. I need to stop considering self harm... I made a promise. I really am falling apart here, I'm not getting better... I'm not talking to anyone about it. I'm so lost and alone and I sit and help other people every day... keeping none for myself. But what do I even do? I have no idea. There is no guidebook for getting over rape... There might be actually, I'll have to check the library.
+ I have completed my first goal - I am not getting back with my ex. He's done too much now, I couldn't go back. + Get over/accept my past +5% because I think the fact that I feel numb about it on more days than I used to means I'm either not hurting or not listening to my pain. So that deserves a +5%... right? Unhealthy as it is.
It's been a bit of a whirlwind.
I thought I was finally going to get the surgery I needed for my mucosal prolapse syndrome because I was finally honest with my surgeon about what caused it. My therapist ensured me that he could not contact the law and without me giving any names, no-one could be arrested anyway so I finally did it, with my mums help. We told him what they did and why I'm like this and he was really understanding and nice to me. So I went under and I woke up with the shakes, but still so happy it was all going to be over soon. That's all I could think about when I was breathing the gas, "When you wake up... it's just a recovery away from being over." That's when I was taken back to my room and he told me that nothing could be done. Anything he could do would be too invasive for someone my age and could even make my symptoms more unbearable. So here I am a few months later, still dealing with it at university all by myself...
Nobody here really knows what happened to me in my past, so it's hard sometimes when they say how hard their lives are, and no-one understands what it feels like to like a boy and not know what to do about it. I sometimes feel like screaming... we all have to go through that stuff! If she only knew what I and so many others around her have to deal with behind closed doors... You could argue I don't know what she deals with behind those same closed doors. But she's one of those 'on-the-surface' people. She tells me everything that upsets her and I'm kind by nature and help... but it's never enough and she'd never and probably couldn't ever do the same.
University is hard enough... I feel like I'm really under this week and I have no-one to go to. There are counsellors... but for some reason I'm too scared to contact them. It's silly really. I've had enough counselling to not be scared and I know I could call my therapist from home any time and tell her I'm struggling... but again... something stops me. I need to stop considering self harm... I made a promise. I really am falling apart here, I'm not getting better... I'm not talking to anyone about it. I'm so lost and alone and I sit and help other people every day... keeping none for myself. But what do I even do? I have no idea. There is no guidebook for getting over rape... There might be actually, I'll have to check the library.
+ I have completed my first goal - I am not getting back with my ex. He's done too much now, I couldn't go back. + Get over/accept my past +5% because I think the fact that I feel numb about it on more days than I used to means I'm either not hurting or not listening to my pain. So that deserves a +5%... right? Unhealthy as it is.
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