Where Have I Been?

Tuesday, January 12, 2010 - 11:10 AM   At least one person here are has been asking where I have been lately. That is a good question, and I am not sure that I have the entire answer. It might be best if I just say that I have been here physically but not mentally.   A number of things have been going wrong for me. For a while there, I thought that it would just be best to keep things to myself rather than to bother anyone around here with my problems. After all, most people here have enough problems of their own without hearing about mine. I hid out in my own cocoon and kept to myself as much as possible.   While doing that, I realized that I had just entered another one of those deep, funky depressions. It's easy to going into one, but harder than heck to get out of it. I'm going at a snails pace, but at long last, I think that I am beginning to see the light again.   When I went to see Dale at the mental health agency last Monday, he told me that he had a new superior who had reviewed my case file and said she was concerned by the fact that I was seeing both Dale and Dr. Martin at the same time. His superior said that Medicaid may not approve of this, and that because of that situation I might not be able to continue seeing both Dale and Dr. Martin. He wants to see me on January 25, and hopes to have a more conclusive answer for me at that time.   I fail to see what the big deal is since I have been seeing both of them for several years. No one has complained during all of this time, so why is this just coming up now? Dale tried telling me that Medicaid might consider this as being fraud. Fraud my BLEEP!   When I first heard about this, I was irate. I have done a lot of thinking about it since then, and have decided that if worse comes to worse, and I am told that I will no longer be able to see Dale, then I can either accept that decision or make an appeal. I discussed the situation with Dr. Martin. She said that if Dale were no longer able to see me, she would treat me for my depression as well as for my PTSD.   The week before last, I was unable to see Dr. Martin because of our inclement weather. When I got up the morning of my appointment, the temperature was 16° below zero. I called her and we both agreed that I should not be going out that day.   The next time I saw Dr. Martin, we began talking about the sexual abuse I have received throughout my lifetime. Several memories had begun coming to the surface, and I knew that as much as I would like to remain silent, the time had finally come for me to begin talking with her in earnest about the various things that had happened to me. At the conclusion of our session, Dr. Martin told me that she would like to see me again that week and pick up where we left off.   I was unable to go to the next session, which had been two days following the first one, so Dr. Martin agreed to talk with me by phone instead. That worked out very well. I think it was easier for me to speak with her about these delicate issues without having to sit in the same room with her at the same time.   Talking about things was still not easy, but at least (in my mind) I knew that I would not have to see her look at me with an expression of disgust and contempt on her face. Rationally, I am aware that she would not have done that to begin with. However, I felt that way emotionally.   I told her that I had gone through what I thought were three stages; first, I had been forced into the abuse, second, came the acceptance of the abuse, and third, came the time when I actually began anticipating and looking forward to it. Dr. Martin said that she understood all of that. I told her that I needed her to explain the last phase of it to me. She will do that next time we meet.   Dr. Martin is unable to continue seeing me on Wednesdays, so next week I will begin seeing her on Tuesday afternoons. I imagine that the next time I see her we will pick up where we left off on our phone conversation.   I will never be happy about what occurred with my abusers, but I also know there is nothing I can do about it. Now that I can kind of accept what happened to me, I need to work on getting to the point where I can peacefully live with it. I don't know if that will be possible, but I'm aiming towards that goal.   (I know that during my absence from DS, I have failed to read most, if not all, of the many journal entries written by my friends here. I will try to catch up as much as possible, but reality tells me that I will not be able to read each and every one of them now. I want to apologize to everyone I know, and to say that I will try to do better in the future.)