Where do I belong?
I think my husband's affair is one of the most unique ones ever. Its not the one that I find out after the affair takes place, or the one where he hides it from me and still comes home at night, its the one where the OW has become me, and I have become the OW. I keep grasping for any book I can find, but my situation is so different that its hard for anyone to relate.
I have made many friends in the rebulding marriage after infidelity board-- and I hope to be there one day, that whole rebuilding AFTER infidelity-- my husband's affair is still going on. I'm in the healing phases, recovering phases-- pretty much alone-- and my husband, he comes around every now and then to make sure I'm alive, but the most important times-- the times where I fall asleep alone-- his side of the bed is empty.
I feel like an outcast everywhere I go. Several of my friends think I am mad at them-- but they seem to have this unfaltering ability to give me advice about my marriage when I didn't ask. This only makes me pull away. I know they see me hurting and just want it to end, but don't they realize that either outcome- is a painful one?
I do get criticized a lot for deciding to stick this out, for deciding that its my decision and mine alone when I am ready to walk away from my marriage and say I have given all that I can give. I still find hope in my marriage, we have honest, positive conversations and at the end of the day we are best friends. Plus its only been 3 months.
I don't think there is a roadmap for how to deal with an affair, and every affair is a unique monster in itself. Trust me, I wish I was one of those lucky ones, whose husband atleast tried to go cold turkey from his OW. Not the case here. I don't want to do any mind games, or do something my heart isn't completely in-- and as sad as it may seem, my heart is still completely and firmly planted in my marriage.
On Easter I got an Easter card from my husband that read "Dear sweet wife, I hope you are having a wonderful Easter! I know life is tough right now but I feel every single day things are getting better. I love you and I always will. No matter where life takes us we will always be soulmates and our hearts will always belong to one another. Love, your husband te amo ad lunam et retro semper (which is I love you to the moon and back in latin).... It gave me hope, and we had a wonderful day together.
I started wearing my wedding ring again that day. He noticed-- smiled and said, I see you are wearing your wedding ring again? how long did that take you-- I said 3 months.. and that was the end of the conversation. I still hold true to my commitment to him, regardless if he has not. I cannot control my husband, I cannot force him to pick me or love me-- all I can do is love myself and work on my happiness and hope he wants to spend the rest of his life with me in the process. I know I wil be more than fine without him, but for now I'm holding out my hand for him to come along with me.
I hope to soon be able to truly post in the rebuilding marriage AFTER infidelity board and have a rightful place to be there-- to truly be working on rebuilding, in a marriage without infidelity. For now I am making a good support group here, and learning from others.
Tomorrow I have two appointments and work- the afternoon appointment is with my marriage counselor, but I go alone. Going to talk to her about continuing sessions and what she feels is the best counseling options for me and if she can help me with my goals. We will see how it goes.
I have made many friends in the rebulding marriage after infidelity board-- and I hope to be there one day, that whole rebuilding AFTER infidelity-- my husband's affair is still going on. I'm in the healing phases, recovering phases-- pretty much alone-- and my husband, he comes around every now and then to make sure I'm alive, but the most important times-- the times where I fall asleep alone-- his side of the bed is empty.
I feel like an outcast everywhere I go. Several of my friends think I am mad at them-- but they seem to have this unfaltering ability to give me advice about my marriage when I didn't ask. This only makes me pull away. I know they see me hurting and just want it to end, but don't they realize that either outcome- is a painful one?
I do get criticized a lot for deciding to stick this out, for deciding that its my decision and mine alone when I am ready to walk away from my marriage and say I have given all that I can give. I still find hope in my marriage, we have honest, positive conversations and at the end of the day we are best friends. Plus its only been 3 months.
I don't think there is a roadmap for how to deal with an affair, and every affair is a unique monster in itself. Trust me, I wish I was one of those lucky ones, whose husband atleast tried to go cold turkey from his OW. Not the case here. I don't want to do any mind games, or do something my heart isn't completely in-- and as sad as it may seem, my heart is still completely and firmly planted in my marriage.
On Easter I got an Easter card from my husband that read "Dear sweet wife, I hope you are having a wonderful Easter! I know life is tough right now but I feel every single day things are getting better. I love you and I always will. No matter where life takes us we will always be soulmates and our hearts will always belong to one another. Love, your husband te amo ad lunam et retro semper (which is I love you to the moon and back in latin).... It gave me hope, and we had a wonderful day together.
I started wearing my wedding ring again that day. He noticed-- smiled and said, I see you are wearing your wedding ring again? how long did that take you-- I said 3 months.. and that was the end of the conversation. I still hold true to my commitment to him, regardless if he has not. I cannot control my husband, I cannot force him to pick me or love me-- all I can do is love myself and work on my happiness and hope he wants to spend the rest of his life with me in the process. I know I wil be more than fine without him, but for now I'm holding out my hand for him to come along with me.
I hope to soon be able to truly post in the rebuilding marriage AFTER infidelity board and have a rightful place to be there-- to truly be working on rebuilding, in a marriage without infidelity. For now I am making a good support group here, and learning from others.
Tomorrow I have two appointments and work- the afternoon appointment is with my marriage counselor, but I go alone. Going to talk to her about continuing sessions and what she feels is the best counseling options for me and if she can help me with my goals. We will see how it goes.
Replies
Myblvd, you have my full support! And you do have a rightful place in the rebuilding marriage after divorce board---we are in all different stages in the rebuilding process---and even if your husband is on the fence, you are still married and still communicating and that is the foundation you both need for a chance to rebuild. I am glad that you are going to councelling and focusing on yourself---in the end, the only people we can change and improve is ourselves---we can choose our destiny and control our lives no matter what is thrown our way...and in the end, I know you will find peace by giving it your best shot. I agree with you about not playing games---I get the cold shoulder from friends and family for trying to work things out with my ex---they tell me I should be less available and make him suffer in pain and lonliness like he did to me---but I cannot do that, I know I wouldn\'t want to be in a relationship if someone did that to me and unless you been through it, no one understands. It\'s easy to say to a friend--move on you can do better, but when it is you and your heart is attached and we remember the men they were before the crisis---its hard to let go without a fight...without giving it a chance. Hugs!!!