Where Do I Begin

I know, I haven't journaled for awhile, I guess it's just not me. It has been a little over a year since I lost my other half.. So difficult for me as he WAS my life. When you are together with that special someone since the age of 15, what stage haven't you been thru together?? I will admit, I do have more better days than a year ago.I feel like I am living for my kids, for my grandkids, but not for ME. Our fairy tale life came to an end in July 2007. I still get so frustrated that we struggled so much to get to that special place, you know the place where it goes back to just the two of you, with time together alone again, the freedom to travel and enjoy life in a whole new dimension. Yes, I can sit back and be happy for the memories we DID have but I think the selfishness part of me will never be able to be o.k. with the time we DID NOT have. I try to keep that glimmer of HOPE that maybe further down this path I will smile and it will be a geniune one. Sometimes the lonliness really pushes me over the edge. No matter what was going on, that one person who gave you that big hug and told you everything would be o.k. and would work out, and it ALWAYS did. I am pushing thru every day and I thank all of you so much for standing behind me. I KNOW no one can change my thinking, or my attitude but me, and I am working on that. I just need to learn how to live in this world alone, something I have NEVER done. I think I feel totally abondoned......