Where Are We Today

A friend from another group I belong to introduced the topic... Where Are We Today... She talked about some of the things she went through as she struggled to come to grips with the passing of her son... There seem to be so many things that we deal with... many of us deal with a lot of similar issues and we all have idividual separate issues...  I thought it was a good topic to help us continue on this journey...  So I thought I'd share my response with yall.  Maybe you will want to look back and see what has gotten better... what you still want to see get better... Hugs Elissa Cara's Mom I smiled when I read what you said about driving places and not knowing where you were going... I definitely did that... Couldn't sleep... I'd go day after day so tired... my body hurting because I could not lie still and rest even... I was up at my desk most of the time... writing and crying. I remember my moment of greatest strength seemed to come when it would cross my mind that I couldn't live like this... that I didn't want to live in this pain... and I'd think with great determination of how I would commit suicide... I'd feel strong and determined and almost glad because I'd made the decision and I was going to be out of this pain soon... but then I'd weaken... I'd worry about what my suicide would do to my family... I'd worry about Richard... who would love and care for him... I didn't want to burden my son and grandchildren with more pain... and I worried that any one of them might follow my example... and I worried over and over that if I committed suicide would I go to hell and never see Cara or my mom, dad, grandma, so many loved ones I have waiting... I remember too the ahhhhhhh moments... when you first notice that the sky is a beautiful blue... the sun and the breezes feel good... fresh cut grass smells so good... maybe life is worth living... perhaps I'm through the worst... and then the return to hurting again to the agony... to go through the same useless cycle of doubts and whys... crying like you're never going to stop... I am still afraid it might return... I feel the pain on the edge of my consciousness... I have been running and hiding from it... It seems like a whirlpool that will suck me in...  I said I'm hiding... but I honestly think what I'm trying to do is a positive step...  I'm trying to refuse to let my mind go down those dead end streets...   These days I try to catch myself when my mind goes that direction... Seeing the images... asking those questions... what use to go there... If I knew the answers it wouldn't change the facts... I am consiously trying to reach for and hang on to good memories... I think its the best... but sometimes i feel like I was able to hear Cara better when I was in agony... and I wonder if I have separated myself from her... I hate that she doesn't seem to come to me as she did then... Cara answered my cries several times... Now I think she has moved so far away... gone so far ahead of me that I'm fearful that I might not see her...  Will she be in another life when I go... I pray that won't be so. I feel so cheated in this lifetime... I want to see my daughter... I want to hold her and hear and see and touch and smell... I want to have that feeling that everything is good that I used to feel when we'd be together... That complete feeling... I feel a little bit of that when I talk to my son... Its like the only years of my life that were really right were those years when I was raising my children... I don't know why. Honestly I have much yet to be thankful for... but there's this huge gaping hole where Cara used to be... and unless I refuse to look at it... refuse to admit that it exists... I can't have any peace... so a lot of time I just refuse to think beyond the immediate moment...Even looking at where I am... where I've been.... is somewhat painful... but I think it might help me... I wonder when you wrote your list... did you cry... then pull yourself together one more time... I honestly think it is helping me... I need to face my fears so I can move on yet again.   

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Every step you take Elissa...Cara takes with you. She is always with you smiling and knowing how proud you make her. Love ya, Kathy