where am i

such a very short time ago, i knew who i was, what i wanted, and where i was going. now i dont know. and i dont know how i lost that drive i had. now i just try to make it day by day. not sure if im really happy or not. everyday i question my ability to take care of my lovely daughter. and i feel horrible. I feel alone. and i want to cuddle up next to austin but i cant caus well really i dont know. cause he snores. and smells funny to me for some reason. and i dont like being touched anymore.  i cant sleep, my back and joints hurt too much. i dont know what to do. i cant see a doctor, no medical. so i guess im just screwed. and ill just close my eyes and hope it all goes away or fixes itself.  but on a good/funny note for baby accomplishments.  Ariyah can pick stuff up with her toes... yup you heard it, her TOES.  instead of learning to crawl, she scoots her but around  to things she can reach with her feet, and grabs them then brings it up to her hands and UAAALLAAA! toys. i was watching her in her crib playing with her pillow. hands to feet, then feet to hands.... its funny.  

Replies

DianneE
DianneE

AW hope you get some video on that!
Hugs, Dianne
DianneE
DianneE

Sorry to hear you have the blues...and hopefully,, this will pass soon...can you get some counseling? Wishing you happier days ahead...
deleted_user
deleted_user

I think that what you are experiencing is perfectly normal during the first year of your babies life. Your baby is beautiful and I am sure that you are doing a great job AND that you are perfectly capable of her care. However, like so many things, I think motherhood is glamorized and that we have unrealistic expectations. Yes, it is extremely rewarding, but it is also difficult, and a HUGE adjustment to anyone, even under the very best of circumstances. Everywhere you turn in commercials and magazines, you see the pictues of the smiling gerber babies with their beautiful well kept mother looking on lovingly. And while this aspect of motherhood certainly exists, where are the pictures of the endless crying, the running diapers, the sleep depreviation? All of those things exist as well. It does make motherhood any less worthwhile, just complicated and life altering.

I think the main thing I hear in this post is: I do not feel supported. I do not have enough support. I think you have felt like that from the beginning. When baby daddy pulled a D&D (devalue and discard) and walked away from you and his responsibilities. That is a pretty major punch to take anytime, but especially when you are at your most vulnerable (pregnant). I know that Austin has stepped up to the plate in a way few men would have, but something about the relationship is not quite right either. Regardless, I think you are doing great under some very difficult circumstances. Please do not be so hard on yourself, life is hard enough without us beating ourselves up.