Whensday

Dearest,
            The other day I wanted to get some pics from your computer to mine, rather than walk a thumb drive across the house I just e-mailed them to myself.
Today’s an anniversary. Exactly one year ago today we sat in Dr. Rainbows off ice and he told us that you had Intra-hepatic cholangiocarcinoma. He said that you would die from it, the last time any medical professional told us the truth, and we didn’t believe him. How could we? I’ve been thinking about that all day. How fast it went. How badly.
            I finally got all caught up on the shoveling, time for it to snow some more. I turned off your cell phone today. Feel bad about it, feel like I am an accomplice in something. I know how you loved that phone. It was your connection to everyone and everything. I just don’t see the sense in paying the bill every month for something that no one uses.
            I went in to my computer last night to check my e-mails, and there . . .right at the top of the list, was an e-mail from you. Could this be spam? I checked the date and it was from this week. Could it be you? Could you send me an e-mail? Could someone be playing some kind of a sick joke? What kind of a sociopath would do something like that? What kind of sick demented bastid? No subject line. My heart was racing. My hand was shaking as I clicked the mouse. The e-mail opened, - no text – just some attachments. Pictures! OH my god it was ME! I sent it and forgot all about it. Nearly gave myself a heart attack.
                                                  MY BRAIN IS MUSH!!.
Maybe I need to be institutionalized?
Gotta go pay the bills.
Till later, your Ken

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Ken, I have done the same thing. Emailed something from my Jim\'s computer to mine and then nearly fainted when I saw his name. You don\'t need to be institutionalized.. although I fantasize about a wonderful place where all of us (widows and widowers) could just go to. to heal. to talk. to cry. to be \"normal\" whatever that means....
Blessings,
Linda
deauxgirl
deauxgirl

We all lose it sometimes. I\'m glad you remembered it was you. My husband\'s brother got an email from my husband about a month ago, no subject, and he saw it was sent to my son also, so he opened it, and clicked on the attachment, and his computer crashed. Sick people out there, it gave my brother in law a scare. I got the same email the next day.
I know all the anniversaries of everything are hard to take. I know the phone was a sort of connection to her. You do have her voice recorded, so you can listen to her. Paying the phone bill is silly. It\'s funny what we hold on to, to try to keep them alive in our minds.
Hope you are feeling better. Stay warm.
Paula
deleted_user
deleted_user

Yep, done that too, more than once actually. I still use Dan\'s account for some business contacts and often forward msgs to my account. I shocked myself a good number of times, but think I am used to it now. And his cell phone, I couldn\'t turn it off. I gave it to my mom instead and continue to pay for it. I neglected to tell my daughter in law that I had given his phone to mom. So, when her phone rang and Dan\'s name popped up on her screen, she got panicky there for a bit. She couldn\'t even answer it.
Gosh wouldn\'t it be nice to REALLY get that email or phone call?
Hugs
Angie
janalM
janalM

I was glad that Franks phone was a pay by the month, so no termination, you just don\'t reload it. The grandbabies play with the phone now. I imagin that it was a shocker to get the e mail. My girlfriend still can\'t open anythin I send her from this account, it gives her the willies. And don\'t worry about the mush the changes into fog and then finally goes away. Hang in. Jnae
swindy
swindy

I can relate to the cell phone experience. Yes it is stupid to keep paying for something but that doesn\'t make it any easier. Your brain isn\'t mush. It would be much easier to deal if it were. Diane
wendywillow
wendywillow

Hi Ken, this whole thing sucks bigtime! Oh, I quite understand you feeling like you need professional help. There have been many many things I\'ve done and just plain forgot about it. I still hate living alone, knowing David\'s never coming back. I hear his voice in my head all the time and wish wish wish we could email or phone.
Sending you hugs,