Whensday
Dearest,
It’s been a while since I’ve written, I know. I’ve been very busy lately, actually, I’m supposed to be paying the bills right now, I hate paying bills. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about moving on and what it all means. I know that you’d want me to dance again as I would you. Can I do this again? What if it goes the other way? What if I left someone else in the position I’m in right now? Would that be fair? So many questions. Some one asked me if I met a woman on the internet, which would be scarier, to meet and not like her or to meet and like her? I’ve decided it would be the latter. To meet and like her, definitely scarier, I may be perhaps desperately lonely but I’ve got so many issues to resolve. Not the least of which would be my own motivations. I know better than to try to run or hide. Dammit I hate thinking!
As I write this, I send my love to you remember that I’ll always, be in love with you. I’ll always see you laughing with flowers in your hair. One of these days I’m going to climb that mountain and walk up there among the clouds. Until then I’ll be missing you every day. I’ll try not to do anything foolish, on the other hand I might do something silly. Maybe a lot of silly things. I could tilt at windmills, I find I do not suffer fools much at all any more. Wastes my time and annoys me. Is it nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take up arms against a sea of troubles?
Just the other day I was thinking that it hadn’t snowed in a while, then, when I came out to lunch, it was snowing like crazy. I’ve decided that I don’t believe in spring, it’s just a myth passed down from the ancient ones.
Till the snow stops falling and the wind stops blowing, I’ll be, your Ken
It’s been a while since I’ve written, I know. I’ve been very busy lately, actually, I’m supposed to be paying the bills right now, I hate paying bills. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about moving on and what it all means. I know that you’d want me to dance again as I would you. Can I do this again? What if it goes the other way? What if I left someone else in the position I’m in right now? Would that be fair? So many questions. Some one asked me if I met a woman on the internet, which would be scarier, to meet and not like her or to meet and like her? I’ve decided it would be the latter. To meet and like her, definitely scarier, I may be perhaps desperately lonely but I’ve got so many issues to resolve. Not the least of which would be my own motivations. I know better than to try to run or hide. Dammit I hate thinking!
As I write this, I send my love to you remember that I’ll always, be in love with you. I’ll always see you laughing with flowers in your hair. One of these days I’m going to climb that mountain and walk up there among the clouds. Until then I’ll be missing you every day. I’ll try not to do anything foolish, on the other hand I might do something silly. Maybe a lot of silly things. I could tilt at windmills, I find I do not suffer fools much at all any more. Wastes my time and annoys me. Is it nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take up arms against a sea of troubles?
Just the other day I was thinking that it hadn’t snowed in a while, then, when I came out to lunch, it was snowing like crazy. I’ve decided that I don’t believe in spring, it’s just a myth passed down from the ancient ones.
Till the snow stops falling and the wind stops blowing, I’ll be, your Ken
Replies
Ken, you pose some good questions. I guess that only we know what is right for us. I think that if someone came along that was special to us, we might think about it. Look a some of the seniors in the news, that are marrying at 70, it is possibe. It will be 60 here tomorrow, so spring is coming. Hang in there, it will come. Jane
Ken, it\'s really scary to even think about being with someone else. You will always have a part of Abby in you. She will never leave you. Anyone that is with you, will have to understand that.
And whoever is lucky enough to get you, will get a great funny guy. I\'m sure you have your moments, and feel free to be silly, if it\'s part of you.
Getting past the firsts of everything is hard. Even in dating. Good Luck. I think Abby would approve.
Paula
Dear Don Quixote,
Slay the windmill. Someone has to. In the meantime keep thinking - I do a lot of that myself. I ask myself questions that just a few months (or is it moments) ago I would not have dared to think let alone ask.. I don\'t have the answers yet. I\'ll raise the nearest flag when I do.
Linda
ps. Spring is not a myth. It has arrived in my garden and it makes my heart ache. For all the terrors of the snowy winter at least it matched the coldness in my heart. This sun is a blasphemy. Enjoy the snow.
Don Ken,
The love that we share with someone as special as Abby was to you is always with us; it will continue to be a lens through which we see the world. Issues have a way of resolving in time with perspective and very often help. As far as being alone versus finding someone to share life with, both are frightening prospects: question is \"which is worse\" that is for each to decide. All human is love is loss but well worth the pain in exchange for the happiness. Don\'t worry about causing someone else pain-with so much inside to share, you seem well worth the risk. Absolutely, do as many \"Silly\" things as possible (the ancient derivative word for silly means sacred) Sacred means many things to each person; find yours and enjoy every silly moment, I know Abby would be very happy for and proud of you for not trying to run away. Why should you suffer fools gladly, you have received a hard course in what is really important-don\'t loose the wisdom of that lesson. Thinking is hard, so often we over think-trying to have things all planned out for ease and lack of pain and sorrow and we get stuck ; still with no ease and no joy to counteract the pain and sorrow that life naturally brings. The problem with tilting at windmills, is that it is easy to get your lance stuck and just keep going in circles. Of course you would be above the snow most of the time and if spring ever does break forth you would be one of the first to see it!. Then you could tell the rest of us what it is like!
Hugs & True Prayer-Pam
Ken spring is in the air....just saw a robin on my deck yesterday. Larry and I used to get such joy bird watching but now nothing seems to bring that joy to my heart. I hope some day all of us can find it in our hearts to hold on to our love that we had but make some room for the silly things and laughter again. Thinking of you, hugs Lu Ann
hello Ken,
always like to read your journals, it makes me feel lighter, (the weight of the world isn\'t on my shoulders) the way you poke fun at things makes me smile a little more. As far as finding someone, I met bigbear online and we chatted online for a couple of months, then the phone calls started, so by the time we met in person, it wouldn\'t have made a difference what either of us looked like in reality as we thought each other was perfect. He always told me, \"I had him from the first hello\" and I told him I loved his voice, so strong, confident, commanding...guess that was the state trooper in him. That is what unconditional love is; he gave me all of his and as I did him. Is it worth it, to me the answer is yes, there are no guarantee\'s in life but to be happy even if for a short time would be wonderful. It would hurt, can\'t love someone and not have it hurt but....to stay alone, humans are social animals, to me that means I need to get out, see people, interact with them, enjoy my time with them and if that is how it stays until I die that\'s fine....if I never meet someone that\'s all right but it\'d be nice to share the walks in the park, on the beach, holding hands, going and doing things together. I\'m leaving it all in God\'s hand, whatever happens, happens....keeping you in my thoughts and prayers... hugs, Sandi
I know how you feel. I feel the same way about moving on. It scares me to think of finding love again, but it is also very exciting. I am working on my issues too, not that there are many, but I say life is short and don\'t let regrets keep you from living a happy life. Yes we miss our loved ones terribly, yes we wish things were different and that they were here with us, but if we think of it this way, life is an adventure and we have been given an opportunity to start a new chapter in our life, the question is do we chose to spend the time by ourselves or possibly with someone new. Don\'t worry, you will know when you are ready. Sending you a hug and hope you are doing better each day...does it always snow that much in New York? My goodness.
To All;
Goodness, there\'s a lot of thinking going on here! I\'m gratified to know that it\'s not just me. More snow (2-4\") in the forecast. no it doesn\'t always snow this much. This is some sort of record setting year!
Ken
Oh wish I could send you some of this beautiful Southern weather. Do hope spring will soon be coming your way. I went fishing the other day. Only caught 4 fish but was so nice being out in the fresh air.
I think we all have those similar thoughts. Think for me Im just not ready not sure I ever will be.
Guess only God knows that answer.
The one thing in all this I am most thankful for is my Freddy did not have to endure this horrible grief. I would of hated to cause him a moment of pain. As hard as it has been on me at least he did not have to know this pain.
About being silly well I think that is good . Often silly myself. Have no intentions of changing.
One of my favorite things is dancing in the rain. Just feels so good on the skin. But sure get strange looks. Life is short as we all have learned the hard way.
When reading your journals one of the nicest things I know of you is your humor. I am sure that is one thing your Abby loved so about you. Take care and hope your spring comes real soon.
Cie