When you know what you feel is right

Last night realized I am still acting out of the hurt about my mother in law.  Was sitting having supper and was wondering who was going to do the dishes.  Since my husband has been laid off and our son did not work today, I was the only who went to work. I have always felt that when people work, all the family should pitch in when it comes to housework.  Maybe I could have been more direct in my question, but I know I asked out of a place that was still hurting.  I asked who was going to do the dishes.  Realize it might have been a petty question to ask but I so remember when it was just Pat, Sean and I, the arguments my husband and I, let me rephrase that, the arguments I had with my husband were mostly not about money, because we did not have any, it was about the fairness of helping with housework.  When I was unemployed, I did not expect anyone to help with the housework because I was home.  I have observed now that we live with my mother in law, my husband helps with the housework. HMMMMMMMMMMMM That is a place of contention for me and still is.  I said to my husband in front of my mother in law since both Sean and Pat did not work, I thought it would be only be right that someone else does the dishes since I worked all day.  Well, that did not go over well with my husband nor my mother in law.  Since everyone in the family had a busy day, my husband said I worked harder than you did at work.   My mother in law chimed in with "well you said once you started this new job, you would do the cooking.  Interesting that when I get home at 4:30pm in the afternoon the cooking has already been started.  Found that interesting that Mom would point that out to me, like I was the bad guy here because I have not cooked when I come home.  But it is always already started by my husband or my mother in law.  Usually both of them are helping each other unlike when I cooked no one helped. HMMMMMM  I am writing this to better understand the dynamics here.  I know I have a chip on my shoulder when my husband and I and our son lived by ourselves and I truly did all the housework.  Pat paid the bills, and did car repair.  Everything else on a daily basis was done by me, or my son.  I remember back when I worked 2 jobs, one from 5pm to 10pm 3 days a week, and came home to 4 days worth of dishes.  So it has always been about fairness in the area of housework.  I did not do those dishes that day, refused to. So here we are at my mother in law and everything has changed.  My husband helps, our son helps and I help.  What I find is I do not do as much as I did when it was the three of us.  My husband insists that he did help.  Well, I know I would not start and argument if I felt there was fairness..  I know I come from a place where I did do it all and in doing it all would have many arguments with my husband as he sat watching tv and I am cooking, cleaning, doing the wash, ya da ya da.  I know what I know.   There is a dynamic here in this house that I still cannot figure out.  Say I analize too much, maybe I do.  But for me I need and want to figure out what is going on here.  I asked my husband last night if he felt loved by his mother.  He said he knew he was loved but Mom was not one to show it outwardly.  Was not affectionate to him.  I have to say it almost seems as tho his helping is his need for Mom to appreciate him in some way.  His need to do the things that he would not do when it was just our son and the 2 of us.    In fact my husband said when it comes to saying I love you, he usually does first to his mother.  This is a woman who has never outwardly said, I am sorry for my behavior if she goes off on anyone.  Has never said thank you in the 5 years we have been here to help her out.  I just do not get it, and maybe never will.  I can say yes, she did not have a mother and that could be why she does not know how to love in a way that is caring and kind.  But I did not have a mother or mothers and those mothers I had all carried a LOT of pain of their own and spewed that pain onto me.   I just basically feel as tho I am not that important in this house.  I told my husband that I know what is going on with me.  I said I had no mother, no loving mother and I am wishing, and hoping that I could have that with his mom.  Again that yearning to feel as tho I am special with a mother figure in my life.   I think it will take time for me to come to the acceptance that that will never happen with my mother in law.  I can wish and hope and wish and hope but acceptance of the fact that this lady does not know how to love in a way that is kind and caring is becoming a reality in my mind.  I find that each time she is nasty, like a few weeks ago, I come to this place of discontent.  I want to isolate myself from her.  It has happened every time I have been the scapegoat in this family with my mother in law.  Every time.  I want to go away, not talk to her, and be content with being with me.  I do not feel that way about my son nor my husband, just my mother in law.  Guess this pain I feel is deep, not having a mother from the age of 2 when I was taken away from my bio mother.  I know my task is today is to nurture that inner child, be that mother to Little Jeanette, surround myself with those who do love me, friends, DS, and my immediate family of my husband and son.  I know after sharing all of this with my husband as I did last night, I feel lighter, more at peace with our relationship.  I did not hold back with my husband.  Pat said he was exhausted after the conversation with me.  He is not used to this kind of intimate and honest communication.  His mother never taught him to express his true feelings as she never has done that in her own life.  I did walk away from last night knowing what I said was true of me.  As I said to Pat his perception and feelings are very different from mine.  He often would say why am I so senstive, brush off what my mother says,   What I know is my husband was not abused.  I was.  And thus my sensitivity to how I am treated in my present life.  I do not apologize for my sensitivity.  I understand why I hurt, and will never make an apology for my sensitivity. I am so grateful that I have that awareness of people who like my mother in law is so unaware of their words and their actions and how that affects the family as a whole. So that is my story and I am sticking to it.  If anyone reading this journal can see something I am not seeing I would appreciate any feedback.  For there is some dynamic that is troubling me about my husband and his mother and their relationship that is not healthy as I see it.  I need only stay out of it and observe.