When will the hard stuff end and life begin

I just dont know where I keep going wrong. I try to do right by people for the biggest part Im in no way perfect but I dont think Im that bad either. If its possible to love someone to death i know Im guilty, I have had 3 husbands and one long term live in relationship the 1st one cheated on me and I just couldnt live with it so I left. Being the dependent idiot I am I went sraight into another relationship. Made it through all the new trials and errors that new couples go through. Found out he had hepc thought no big deal we'll make it through this and we'll be stronger than ever. Then it happened he was diagnsoed with AML (luekemia) still thought together we can beat the odds (22% chance of living to be exact) went through things you only see in movies all the way to going on the news to uncover the fact that they dont  cover life saving procedures without insurance. Even got the bone marrow transplant.He still died.Dec 31,2006. Then being the nut case I am not being able to handle life alone I met my most recent husband only one month later. we were married in Dec of 07. We had horrible ups and downs as he hurt his back on the job and had to have surgery leaving him so bad off he couldnt return to work. He also had severe PTSD, bipolar and anxiety disorder. I still did just like a wife should and like I wanted to do I loved him and gave him unconditional love through it all. I know all this sounds stupid its not like he left me he died now I have to wonder will I ever Just have a happy life. It just sucks all these people take advantage of people, cheat on them, use them ,are selfish,i'm no saint but I do my best to do right why does it always happen to me. I actually find myself envying the independent ones that are selfish they dont go through this horrible empty pain and it sucks I feel like I get punished for loving and caring for someone. Boy I know I sound like a real crazy person but sometimes I just wonder will It ever end  I dont mind taking care of the one I love . Matter of fact I dont know anything else Id go as far as saying Ilove it but I just want to live the rest of my days with them. I just want to have fun and be happy and have someone feel the same about me. Well i Guess thats enough of the pity party