When To Push
I still believe over-compensating and the self-flagellation attached is my meanest psych symptom. Herstorically, I have committed more destruction by trying too hard than I have by doing nothing. Far, far more. Proof available. Learning how to do nothing was the hardest lesson I have ever learned. Doing nothing is at odds with my hyper-active metabolism and when I am motivated by the reflexes I evolved in surviving the nightmares of child prostitution, my hyper-active metabolism goes some genuinely psychotic places. Hyper-reactive? Am I reacting to a parental pimp, a throw-away-kid-camp predator or a benign mentor?
Has that changed? At 64, my energy level has finally slowed to the speed of a normal teenager. Well. . . Maybe I should say, ". . . the speed of a normal 20th century teenager." I think I can still out-pace most of the 21st century teens I have met. I often wonder if the increasing speed of cyber-space is drawing at least part of its energy source from the teens who so love it. Just wondering. . . Leaving the experting to the experts. For now, my doubts of whether that has changed are in my continued urges to go caped crusader and/or control freak over matters that are not mine to sort.
In the decades I have been practicing the calming exercises which have helped manage the psychotic symptoms, I have noted often that when I can identify and wait out those psychotic reactions before I act, I have a much clearer view of the tasks at hand. The hardest part of that process has been knowing when the psychotic reactions have passed. What I wouldn't give for a blood test. . . Diabetics get one. Where's the blood test for PTSD sufferers? Maybe test for adrenaline or dopamine levels? Something to let me know, proof positive, that the episode really has passed and I am safe to self-motivate again? Under the influence of a psychotic episode, it is somewhere between difficult and impossible to trust my strictly personal senses. It doesn't seem to be much easier for my therapy supporters to gauge from my external cues. At present, gentle stretches of effort seem to be our clearest test. If the reactions to the stretch are calm, take the next stretch. If not, back up and ply further self-care. Easy does it.
Over the course of restoring the old barns here on the investment property, The Nail Test has been gaining my trust. Can I hammer a nail cleanly and efficiently? Flying, bent or misaligned nails are a sign that I am over-compensating. Back to the therapy exercises. Clean and efficiently driven nails are a sign that I have achieved a functional balance.
Again, the song of the name-forgotten old nut-case I enjoyed learning from for a brief while on the East Austin housing project remodling project is floating through my mind as I have been plying the test in the big barn/Tinker's Den:
Don't make it more work than it has to be
Just let that hammer fall
Add an ounce of gentle guidance as you move along
Just let that hammer fall
I believe it truly is his gentle tenor which plays back as the song bounces through my conciousness. Proof unavailable, but I still believe my brain really does record sounds with an accuracy sound engineers can only envy.
I doesn't know, but I does believe the Tinker's Den might be on the verge of becoming a masterpiece. Maybe. A tinker's den isnae a masterpiece until it begins producing masterpieces. Not there yet. Works in progress. . .
Replies
Arfie, this is one of the best and most insightful things I’ve read about living with PTSD, trying to when you’re in what I call a “PTSD Episode” and when it’s past, how much it is a struggle to find balance between doing & resting (& as we both know I struggle with that constantly), realizing when we are try & pushing too hard, all of what you’ve written is just so profound and true. Especially for me right now. Have you been reading my thoughts again?
Hugs and support Arfie. You really struck the nail on the head and it went in straight, deep, & true! I’m so grateful you wrote this because it is something that resonates so strongly with me but I couldn’t find my own way of defining it! Hugs!
I am tempted to call us, "Kindred Spirits" on our reactions to PTSD episodes, Vltava. Equally, your journey has kept me reminded of how I keep pushing my good ideas into psychotic excess. I've been at it long enough to question if my solutions have grown into new and improved problems, but it seems to be the same old conundrum of when to push and when to let ^it^ be.
Oh, for the love of balance. . . Just it all!!!!
You know Arfie, I wonder the exact same thing about my “solutions”, especially a lot lately. I always find myself questioning when the “cure becomes the disease”. I’m fairly good at overcompensating, over using my “tools” and turning some into another, as you said, “new and improved problem” by overdoing it.
And I also feel that same temptation to call us “Kindred Spirits”. So often your journal posts and comments seem a mirror to my own. For what ever reason & call it what you will, I must say I am incredibly grateful that we have the kind of connection and “Kindred Spirit”.
It’s help me so much to have that connection with you Arfie. So often you have expressed things I was feeling but just couldn’t figure out exactly what it was or even how to define it.
And having such similarities in our PTSD experiences and living with it, really brings such insight into things for me, from balancing, to spouse, symptoms to tools..., it all seems to work because of how we connect.
As you often say..., “I’ll just let this mystery be,” and I’m good with that.
Hugs & love Arfie! And huge thanks for just being you & part of my life!
Glad you like being called a kindred spirit. I believe it fits. I am trying to take ^it^ at face value. in defiance of my love of over-analyzing. The quickest way to end a miracle is to question it.
Thus are the magics of the worldwide healing network. I am grateful for every node on the network. Even the members who trigger me to ugly places are kindred spirits to someone and the healing of one is the healing of us all.
So very true, Arfie. I welcome another kindred soul. It’s healing together, as you said ‘the healing of one is the healing of us all,’ that what keeps us going...,
I share the same love of over analyzing (often to the point of it being a debilitating fault for me). Accepting it at face value doesn’t discourage my inclination to pick it apart but I’m learning or trying to that is, to let it go and be what it is without the why. It’s a frustrating and irritating lesson but I suppose we all have to learn it at some point, don’t we?
Hugs & love, Arfie!
I've heard it said that a journeyman knows how to. A master knows how NOT to.
Let's keep studying. . . Well managed analytical skills are quite valuable. I'm a-shooting for mastery. Go big or get back.
Lol! With you all the way. Let me know what time the study group starts and we can hit the books! At least even if we’re not always successful we get an A for mastery of trying and attempting, but why settle..., let’s go for a high a score as we can get and then beat it.
Hugs!
I am stunned by the amount of self-knowledge that shines forth in what you wrote above. I am just getting to know people on this site and I am continually surprised by how advanced and experienced some of you are in managing yourselves and your illness. I am at the very beginning of getting to know more about it all.
Needless to say I'm sorry for what you went through as a child - shocked actually, really shocked - and it stirred so many feelings inside me that I can't even put a name to.
I started therapy for those childhood traumas in 1972. What a long strange trip of many names and lanes it has been, but there are days I believe the progress is worth every heartache. Then there are those other days. . .
Thank you for the validation, Enaid.