"When the world says 'quit', Hope whispers 'try one more time'"
The only reason I didn't choose the red face is because I'm saving that for the day I actually miscarry...
Our ultrasound did not go well. The smaller of the two was even smaller, and the larger one had actually gotten bigger, with a clear amniotic sac that we couldn't see before. But no heartbeat visibly or audibly and barely a visible fetal pole. The doctor had me stop all meds. He suspects I will be miscarrying anytime. I go back on Wednesday for the "it's official" appointment I guess, if the flood gates don't open before that.
I alternate between sadness and anger. I wish we wouldn't have gotten such a strong positive in the first place because it all feels like false hope in something that will never be. DH is so black and white about everything--he says this is God's way of saying these babies weren't healthy. I know he is right but his lack of emotion in all this is killing me and making me feel stupid for being so upset over this loss.
We have nine in the freezer but the nurse thinks it will take several months for my body to go back to "normal" (whatever that is, since I've never been "normal") so she thinks we might be able to try FET around October. That sure seems like ages away.
Everything happens for a reason; I feel that there are a few reasons to focus on here. First of all, what we all want is healthy babies. These clearly were not healthy. I also really feel like we're meant to have twins. That obviously was not going to happen this time around. Finally, I never imagined us to have "winter" babies. I would have been thrilled of course with any time during the year, but my mom is off in the summer (teacher) and I was counting on her help. Now if the FET works, we would have "summer" babies.
Lastly, I am going to use this time, assuming I don't end up in ER with a horrible miscarriage, to go back to a happier time in life, when DH and I were having the time of our lives. I am going to enjoy a glass of wine or two, drink Diet Coke again, eat food that isn't good for me once in awhile but tastes great, plan a weekend away somewhere, and get my hair highlighted! I never realized how much something so seemingly trivial would bother me so much! Vanity aside, I miss the old me that was easy going and fun. I hate the new stressed out constantly, edgy, worried, and full of hormones me. It's time to live again! At least until we're back on this horrible emotional and physical roller coaster again in a few months. I can hardly wait for PIO shots again...
In the meantime, I place my sadness and anger in God's hands, because that's all I have left. I know ultimately His plan, though hard to understand sometimes, is always working itself out. God is great!
Our ultrasound did not go well. The smaller of the two was even smaller, and the larger one had actually gotten bigger, with a clear amniotic sac that we couldn't see before. But no heartbeat visibly or audibly and barely a visible fetal pole. The doctor had me stop all meds. He suspects I will be miscarrying anytime. I go back on Wednesday for the "it's official" appointment I guess, if the flood gates don't open before that.
I alternate between sadness and anger. I wish we wouldn't have gotten such a strong positive in the first place because it all feels like false hope in something that will never be. DH is so black and white about everything--he says this is God's way of saying these babies weren't healthy. I know he is right but his lack of emotion in all this is killing me and making me feel stupid for being so upset over this loss.
We have nine in the freezer but the nurse thinks it will take several months for my body to go back to "normal" (whatever that is, since I've never been "normal") so she thinks we might be able to try FET around October. That sure seems like ages away.
Everything happens for a reason; I feel that there are a few reasons to focus on here. First of all, what we all want is healthy babies. These clearly were not healthy. I also really feel like we're meant to have twins. That obviously was not going to happen this time around. Finally, I never imagined us to have "winter" babies. I would have been thrilled of course with any time during the year, but my mom is off in the summer (teacher) and I was counting on her help. Now if the FET works, we would have "summer" babies.
Lastly, I am going to use this time, assuming I don't end up in ER with a horrible miscarriage, to go back to a happier time in life, when DH and I were having the time of our lives. I am going to enjoy a glass of wine or two, drink Diet Coke again, eat food that isn't good for me once in awhile but tastes great, plan a weekend away somewhere, and get my hair highlighted! I never realized how much something so seemingly trivial would bother me so much! Vanity aside, I miss the old me that was easy going and fun. I hate the new stressed out constantly, edgy, worried, and full of hormones me. It's time to live again! At least until we're back on this horrible emotional and physical roller coaster again in a few months. I can hardly wait for PIO shots again...
In the meantime, I place my sadness and anger in God's hands, because that's all I have left. I know ultimately His plan, though hard to understand sometimes, is always working itself out. God is great!
Replies
I am SO sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so sorry, as we all know, there are few words that can make you feel better during this time. But after reading your journal, I feel like you are in the best place you can be in. As sad and unfair as it is, you seem to accept that this is something we have no control over. I had a very hard time coming to grips with that, so I admire you for already being there. Also, I think you are so strong to know that you want to get back to the happier times while you are in limbo for the next few months. Again, I crawled into a deep dark hole, so you are so far ahead of the game already. Enjoy the time you have to do those things you can\'t when you are pregnant, esp. things you and your DH can enjoy together. I will keep you in my prayers that nature takes its course in the least traumatic way possible and that you will bounce back soon. Thinking of you and sending a big hug your way.
I am so sorry for your loss. You have such a great outlook, continue to hand your sadness and anger over to God as He is there to help us thru anything that he throws at us. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Giving all your fears, anger and sadness to God is the best thing that you can do. Only He has the ability to calm our fears and wipe away our tears! I will not say I am sorry for your loss because you already know that. I will say that I will be praying for you as you go through this rough patch and I will pray that God\'s grace and peace will cover you and your DH. God is good and His plan is perfect although as you said, we sometimes can\'t understand the why behin it. Keep your faith and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I\'m so sorry. You are doing great to focus on the positive- and don\'t feel stupid for feeling bad about this! Hang in there and I am wishing you hope and baby dust!
That is crappy. I am sorry to hear about the latest news. I agree, take the time to indulge yourself and treat yourself. We are close if you need anything.
I am so sorry. I am here if you want to talk, as I have been through this kind of rollercoaster before. The wait and trying to decide if it\'s possible to hang on to any shred of hope is agonizing. And the teasing torture of getting good news and then bad news back and forth is so incredibly difficult.
Possibly the OHSS made things too hard for these two embryos to take hold. Fortunately the ones in the freezer were never exposed to your post-retrieval uterine enviroment, so a FET would be a completely different situation.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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I am so sorry to hear that things are working in this mysterious and questionable way. God must have his reasons but it does not make the pain any less. It is good that you are kind to yourself through this process. Your \'me\"time sounds like the right route to take. I commend your courage to move and shift in a direction that may not be the easiest right now.
You are awesome and courageous!!!
Tracy
So sorry about this, you must be so upset. Sounds like you are trying so hard to think positivly and are a strong person. I pray that you heal at least a little bit each day and find strength and courage in God to get through this.
:( so sorry!