"When the world says 'quit', Hope whispers 'try one more time'"
The only reason I didn't choose the red face is because I'm saving that for the day I actually miscarry...
Our ultrasound did not go well. The smaller of the two was even smaller, and the larger one had actually gotten bigger, with a clear amniotic sac that we couldn't see before. But no heartbeat visibly or audibly and barely a visible fetal pole. The doctor had me stop all meds. He suspects I will be miscarrying anytime. I go back on Wednesday for the "it's official" appointment I guess, if the flood gates don't open before that.
I alternate between sadness and anger. I wish we wouldn't have gotten such a strong positive in the first place because it all feels like false hope in something that will never be. DH is so black and white about everything--he says this is God's way of saying these babies weren't healthy. I know he is right but his lack of emotion in all this is killing me and making me feel stupid for being so upset over this loss.
We have nine in the freezer but the nurse thinks it will take several months for my body to go back to "normal" (whatever that is, since I've never been "normal") so she thinks we might be able to try FET around October. That sure seems like ages away.
Everything happens for a reason; I feel that there are a few reasons to focus on here. First of all, what we all want is healthy babies. These clearly were not healthy. I also really feel like we're meant to have twins. That obviously was not going to happen this time around. Finally, I never imagined us to have "winter" babies. I would have been thrilled of course with any time during the year, but my mom is off in the summer (teacher) and I was counting on her help. Now if the FET works, we would have "summer" babies.
Lastly, I am going to use this time, assuming I don't end up in ER with a horrible miscarriage, to go back to a happier time in life, when DH and I were having the time of our lives. I am going to enjoy a glass of wine or two, drink Diet Coke again, eat food that isn't good for me once in awhile but tastes great, plan a weekend away somewhere, and get my hair highlighted! I never realized how much something so seemingly trivial would bother me so much! Vanity aside, I miss the old me that was easy going and fun. I hate the new stressed out constantly, edgy, worried, and full of hormones me. It's time to live again! At least until we're back on this horrible emotional and physical roller coaster again in a few months. I can hardly wait for PIO shots again...
In the meantime, I place my sadness and anger in God's hands, because that's all I have left. I know ultimately His plan, though hard to understand sometimes, is always working itself out. God is great!
Our ultrasound did not go well. The smaller of the two was even smaller, and the larger one had actually gotten bigger, with a clear amniotic sac that we couldn't see before. But no heartbeat visibly or audibly and barely a visible fetal pole. The doctor had me stop all meds. He suspects I will be miscarrying anytime. I go back on Wednesday for the "it's official" appointment I guess, if the flood gates don't open before that.
I alternate between sadness and anger. I wish we wouldn't have gotten such a strong positive in the first place because it all feels like false hope in something that will never be. DH is so black and white about everything--he says this is God's way of saying these babies weren't healthy. I know he is right but his lack of emotion in all this is killing me and making me feel stupid for being so upset over this loss.
We have nine in the freezer but the nurse thinks it will take several months for my body to go back to "normal" (whatever that is, since I've never been "normal") so she thinks we might be able to try FET around October. That sure seems like ages away.
Everything happens for a reason; I feel that there are a few reasons to focus on here. First of all, what we all want is healthy babies. These clearly were not healthy. I also really feel like we're meant to have twins. That obviously was not going to happen this time around. Finally, I never imagined us to have "winter" babies. I would have been thrilled of course with any time during the year, but my mom is off in the summer (teacher) and I was counting on her help. Now if the FET works, we would have "summer" babies.
Lastly, I am going to use this time, assuming I don't end up in ER with a horrible miscarriage, to go back to a happier time in life, when DH and I were having the time of our lives. I am going to enjoy a glass of wine or two, drink Diet Coke again, eat food that isn't good for me once in awhile but tastes great, plan a weekend away somewhere, and get my hair highlighted! I never realized how much something so seemingly trivial would bother me so much! Vanity aside, I miss the old me that was easy going and fun. I hate the new stressed out constantly, edgy, worried, and full of hormones me. It's time to live again! At least until we're back on this horrible emotional and physical roller coaster again in a few months. I can hardly wait for PIO shots again...
In the meantime, I place my sadness and anger in God's hands, because that's all I have left. I know ultimately His plan, though hard to understand sometimes, is always working itself out. God is great!
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