when simply being nice is enabling
i have been pushed past my limits. clearly stated agreed to boundaries have been violated and now i am placing the also clearly understood (i thought ) consequences into place. i am using the two now empty bedrooms at the far end of the house as my own space. (since both adult sons are on their own).... the bathroom they used is brand new and very nice. my husband can keep the master suite since he refused to move out! our living room is a comfortable and inviting room, never used. now it is my space . in essence i have divided our home into two living areas. no more having to sit inthe fmily room wanting to scream. no more having to go out to get away. hubby is BESIDE himself. HA-HA literally beside himself and no one else.
i also refuse to engage in dialog with him since for the past 10 years or so it is the same ineffective conversation where he is passive aggressively silent and i get overly emotional - he appears to "behave" for a week or so........ y ou all know the deal.
this last 2 or 3 encounters i tell him to speak the truth, not the usual "I am sorry i'll try to fix it i dont want to hurt you". own his shit, indicate that his problem exists in a real way and GET HELP: not only get help but FOLLOW THRU ! so if he just stares at me, or starts with the same old conversation i simply walk away.
So sad for him this time when he just kept saying he needs me in our bed????? why? i ask him what's in it for me? so HE feels better like .everything is okay since he said sorry again. this is the closest thing to the truth he has ever said :
" i guess i underestimated how far i could push you....... i guess i underestimated the extent of damage i was doing to you and our relationship" "my thinking was clouded by addiction"
this may be true, but i still think it is a ramped up version of the "i am sorry" story. my son said he has noticed that being nice to him, just nice, civil, not overtly mean, etc. enables him.
i am so fed up that i have no problem being "not nice" any more. if hubby wants any changes to occur, he has to do all the hard work himself. i officially relieve myself of all responsibility.
P.S. i had a talk with God and He is okay with that. :)
i also refuse to engage in dialog with him since for the past 10 years or so it is the same ineffective conversation where he is passive aggressively silent and i get overly emotional - he appears to "behave" for a week or so........ y ou all know the deal.
this last 2 or 3 encounters i tell him to speak the truth, not the usual "I am sorry i'll try to fix it i dont want to hurt you". own his shit, indicate that his problem exists in a real way and GET HELP: not only get help but FOLLOW THRU ! so if he just stares at me, or starts with the same old conversation i simply walk away.
So sad for him this time when he just kept saying he needs me in our bed????? why? i ask him what's in it for me? so HE feels better like .everything is okay since he said sorry again. this is the closest thing to the truth he has ever said :
" i guess i underestimated how far i could push you....... i guess i underestimated the extent of damage i was doing to you and our relationship" "my thinking was clouded by addiction"
this may be true, but i still think it is a ramped up version of the "i am sorry" story. my son said he has noticed that being nice to him, just nice, civil, not overtly mean, etc. enables him.
i am so fed up that i have no problem being "not nice" any more. if hubby wants any changes to occur, he has to do all the hard work himself. i officially relieve myself of all responsibility.
P.S. i had a talk with God and He is okay with that. :)
Replies
Wow what a break thru moment for u. I am so proud and happy for u. I can imagine a feeling of relief u have to be able to do that. I persnally have tried to detach myself but cant seem to figure it out.
Congrats i hope u have a wonderful and freeing day
Just curious, but what are you going to do if he starts attending church and doing recovery work?
Oh Bhamguy....always thinking too far ahead, lol! Ever hear the saying \"cross that bridge when we get there\"?
Anyway...good for you JMS! I wish I had that option, not that I think it would have the same effect on my hubby. I NEVER sleep in the same bed as him unless I have to (like when my mother is staying with us). I still have 3 kids at home so no hope for my own space, but honestly he spends most of his time in another room anyway. I think it hurts me more than it hurts him. For example, I rented a movie on demand the other night, we both watched it, in separate rooms. Very sad. As empty as your hubby\'s sorries are, I would give anything for even a passive aggressive apology for the bullshit I have been through for the last 5 years;) Of course, I was never nice to him...so being \"not nice\" is already the norm, lol! But enough about me...I am so proud of you, and happy for you!