When it rains it pours...
Just when I think things cant possibly get worse, they do. I can't even begin to explain the way I am feeling and how much my heart is breaking. Actually I don't even know if it can break anymore because it has been broken for such a long time.
I moved out to California with someone I am in love with. His office in Texas closed and relocating to California was the only option for him to keep his job. He had worked for the same company for thirteen years and thought he had a good job opportunity in San Jose. We weren't able to get ahead because I couldn't get a job out here in my profession. We were just living paycheck to paycheck. In December his job fired him. We could afford it and I was able to get a job in Sacramento and he went home to his sisters in Bakersfield.
Our relationship has been strained ever since. He is jealous and pissed off that my friend is helping me until I get myself back on my feet. He freaks out over everything. If I don't answer his calls or if I go a few hours without talking to him. He just told me he wants to break up. I LEFT EVERYTHING for him. My friends, my family, my job in Dallas, my house, my dogs EVERYTHING. It wasn't an option for me to go to Bakersfield and to stay at his sisters. I feel like he has no understanding that this is just as hard on me as it is for him. He seems to think he is the only one struggling.
He says so many hurtful things. I have no clue how to fix my relationship with him. He just makes things so much more difficult. I hate the way I feel all the time. I feel like I'm walking on Egg shells with him. I feel like taking a handful of benedryl and sleeping for days.
He used to be so sweet and treat me like a princess. I understand that our relationship has changed since he and split to different cities but still. I don't deserve the things he said.
He is making an already bad situation so much worse. I don't know what to do. My heart feels like its been broken into a thousand pieces. He knows I'm sick and can't handle this kind of stress. Every time I get stressed, I have massive panic attacks and nose bleeds.
Goodnight for now,
Fireflies
I moved out to California with someone I am in love with. His office in Texas closed and relocating to California was the only option for him to keep his job. He had worked for the same company for thirteen years and thought he had a good job opportunity in San Jose. We weren't able to get ahead because I couldn't get a job out here in my profession. We were just living paycheck to paycheck. In December his job fired him. We could afford it and I was able to get a job in Sacramento and he went home to his sisters in Bakersfield.
Our relationship has been strained ever since. He is jealous and pissed off that my friend is helping me until I get myself back on my feet. He freaks out over everything. If I don't answer his calls or if I go a few hours without talking to him. He just told me he wants to break up. I LEFT EVERYTHING for him. My friends, my family, my job in Dallas, my house, my dogs EVERYTHING. It wasn't an option for me to go to Bakersfield and to stay at his sisters. I feel like he has no understanding that this is just as hard on me as it is for him. He seems to think he is the only one struggling.
He says so many hurtful things. I have no clue how to fix my relationship with him. He just makes things so much more difficult. I hate the way I feel all the time. I feel like I'm walking on Egg shells with him. I feel like taking a handful of benedryl and sleeping for days.
He used to be so sweet and treat me like a princess. I understand that our relationship has changed since he and split to different cities but still. I don't deserve the things he said.
He is making an already bad situation so much worse. I don't know what to do. My heart feels like its been broken into a thousand pieces. He knows I'm sick and can't handle this kind of stress. Every time I get stressed, I have massive panic attacks and nose bleeds.
Goodnight for now,
Fireflies
Replies
I hate to say this as I don\'t really know the relationship depth or time frame , but it seems like he is abusive and his real intentions are coming out. If he really loved you he would not say such hurtful things to you. I know its hard to have a LDR and you both being in different places dosnt make it any easier, but still it is verbal abuse.
Yes, last night was verbal abuse. I understand he is frustrated and doesn\'t feel like I love him as much as I used to but what he doesn\'t understand is that I am trying to get life in order so we can stop with the LDR and be together and the more he hounds me about being away, the harder it is for me to get my life and shit straight
I agree w/lostsoul. He seems to be abusive and devoid of empathy for anyone but himself.
People show us and tell us who they are. He is showing and telling you who he is. So, if you allow it buy putting up with it, then you are basically telling them it\'s ok to treat you in an abusive manner.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to fix him or the situation. If you set a healthy boundary for yourself so that you are not the target of his (misplaced) anger and he doesn\'t honor it, then you will know that this is the way he will always act under stress. (Chances are it would be worse if you were together.)
Then you will have to decide if you\'ll be ok being treated this way for as long as you\'re together, even if it is LD. BTW, don\'t expect anyone to honor your boundaries if you don\'t enforce them. So be sure whatever consequence you set for the boundary is fitting to the situation. For example: If he continues to treat you the way he does now, then you will go No Contact with him for one week. If after that week, he does it again, you\'re done. (Not saying you must do this, just using it as an example. Altho, based on what I\'ve learned the hard way, that is the boundary I would set.)
Whatever you decide, please put yourself first and take good care of you.
I have been in abusive relationships before and he has been everything but abusive in the past year in a half. When he had his job and we lived together he was the sweetest most genuinely caring man I have ever been with. He is jealous of everyone, girls, guys, friends, coworkers. He says I ignore him when I am out and about, which is true. But I am trying to get my life together and the only way to do that is focus on my job....
I don\'t know what to do with him. He doesn\'t understand how much he hurt me last night. He apologized and everything but he doesn\'t understand that even talking to him right now makes my chest tighten because I\'m afraid I will say the wrong thing and he will fly off the handle at me again.
I feel like I had to take a Xanax just to even talk to him.
Everything you said in your last reply speaks to nothing less than his character. His behavior isn\'t something that can be excused because he lost his job.
What you are describing is abuse. Abusers aren\'t abusive all the time. But the more he perceives things going wrong (or not his way) in life, the more he will act like this. Apologies don\'t mean anything if he doesn\'t understand how his actions affect others.
He IS showing you how he WILL act when things don\'t go his way. Don\'t expect him to be any different the next time. And I\'m sorry to say that no amount of love from you or anyone else will fix this.
You shouldn\'t have to take a xanax just to talk w/him. And you shouldn\'t be afraid to say anything to him.
IMHO, everything you\'ve described here = red flags.
The only other thing I know to say is ask you: Are you are willing to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you like crap when things aren\'t going his way?
Of course the choice is yours.
My 1st ex was a controller, verbally abusive and I constantly had to defend myself over everything I did, I could do no right and eventually I started to believe him so I shut down. I put up with this for 20 years!!!! These type of behaviors don\'t change, trust me I know. To this day my ex is still trying to control me BUT the beautiful thing is I am no longer under his rule and thumb (we have 4 kids together is why he is still part of my life, ugh) This separation you\'re in is a good time for you to regroup and consider what you want in a relationship. I also see RED flags in what you describe. I know you love him but you shouldn\'t have to \"fear\" talking to him about anything. I worry his anger will only get worse. Please take care of yourself and make you the priority right now. Hugs, I know it\'s a tough spot you\'re in.