When I woke Up This Morning

This morning I must have been dreaming about my son, I don't know but as I was waking up from my sleep I put up my fist and I remember I was smiling and I said "THAT'S MY SON"  So then I started going through the desk to try to find his first sermon he did.  I can't find it, I got upset, then I looked at a video that I had had transferred from on 8mm and they were good and it was Kenny first birthday all the way till all four boys were born.  He was so happy baby always smiling, hardly cried at all.  So my hubby and I watched that.  Then I don't know what happened I broke, I totally broke down lost it crying to there were no crying,  feeling that horrible feeling in you heart like it is just going to rupture and wishing it would and now I have finally quit crying for a bit.  but oh oh this pain it is so horrible, so wrong to have to happen, for all of us who lost someone why why why.  What is there to this life, Pain!  Then you die then what happens.  I don't know anymore.  I have not an answer about death.  Just I think I feel I have to believe or if there is a Heaven I would not see Kenny again.  so I just guess I try to keep believing.  Is there a Heaven how do we know.  Maybe like some believe we are born, we live, we die, that's it...So screwed up is my mind anymore.  I am tired, I am worn out, I am not caring what happens to me anymore.  Why care it is just more heartache and hurt.  Why not just get it over with.  I have no answers, I have nothing to give.  Why would God want us to hurt so bad.   And yes like someone wrote,  why does bad person just keep on trucking and have a great life.  Something is just not right in this world
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

You just recently lost your son. Everything right now is so fresh in your mind. We will continue to grieve forever, but the disturbing thoughts and pain will lessen over time. We will always love and miss our child/children and you need to give yourself this time to grieve. I am so sorry any of us have ever had to feel so much pain. I pray that you find peace. Truly, your friend, Barb
biowoman
biowoman

The pain is so raw for you right now. I can remember being surprised that sorrow caused physical pain...and I was also remember feeling that it would be okay if I died. I would not have done anything...but IF I died...it would be okay. But I knew that there had already been so much sorrow over the loss of our Alex...that I had to fight to live. And that is where you are now...just fighting to make it through each day...and you will. You have a great family that needs you...so something deep inside of you will drive you to try. Be gentle on yourself...love and hugs...Karen
deleted_user
deleted_user

Looking back, I remember what an effort it was to even sit or stand up straight during the first few months--grieving is a very physical thing. You will find if you let yourself do what you did today, feel that horrible physical grief, it will come less often and you will start to feel stronger-but it is something you have to let yourself go through. And we all have, and we are here to support you, with lots of love and hugs and understanding. Take care of yourself--that has to be your first priority right now. Your friend, Diane
Sandi2947
Sandi2947

Thank you all for all your caring
deleted_user
deleted_user

We are here for you.. the pain and sorrow gets different somehow just know you have friends here who care....
deleted_user
deleted_user

Dear Sandi,.. dear sweet Sandi, i dont think we CAN know , that now,.... its not our place,.. to know we do know, what we have now, in front of us, each day, ,,,,.. now, and thats all,.. you are doing a great job, we all feel this, please,.... you gotta know!!!! just push thru, for now,.. Love, Dave