When I woke Up This Morning

This morning I must have been dreaming about my son, I don't know but as I was waking up from my sleep I put up my fist and I remember I was smiling and I said "THAT'S MY SON"  So then I started going through the desk to try to find his first sermon he did.  I can't find it, I got upset, then I looked at a video that I had had transferred from on 8mm and they were good and it was Kenny first birthday all the way till all four boys were born.  He was so happy baby always smiling, hardly cried at all.  So my hubby and I watched that.  Then I don't know what happened I broke, I totally broke down lost it crying to there were no crying,  feeling that horrible feeling in you heart like it is just going to rupture and wishing it would and now I have finally quit crying for a bit.  but oh oh this pain it is so horrible, so wrong to have to happen, for all of us who lost someone why why why.  What is there to this life, Pain!  Then you die then what happens.  I don't know anymore.  I have not an answer about death.  Just I think I feel I have to believe or if there is a Heaven I would not see Kenny again.  so I just guess I try to keep believing.  Is there a Heaven how do we know.  Maybe like some believe we are born, we live, we die, that's it...So screwed up is my mind anymore.  I am tired, I am worn out, I am not caring what happens to me anymore.  Why care it is just more heartache and hurt.  Why not just get it over with.  I have no answers, I have nothing to give.  Why would God want us to hurt so bad.   And yes like someone wrote,  why does bad person just keep on trucking and have a great life.  Something is just not right in this world