When I Am Here
I am not at my main home but my 2nd home. This is the place I met last AP and every time I come back I think of him. Every. Single. Time.
He lived close to me so sometimes we would see each other in passing on the road after the break up. Every time I came back to my house, his ghost was there, little reminders of times he had been there. Despite my breaking it off, despite his horrible behavior, I can never fully forget him or completely rid thoughts of him out of my mind. We never burnt out sexually. Unforutnately, we were very good together, better than with anyone else I had ever been with. Because we saw each other so few times the sexual feelings, the butterflies, the sexual tension and wanting were always there.
Last Spring H brought up the idea of selling the house. I was torn and maybe even panicked a bit at first. Did I really want to let go of the memories? Did I want to leave where I had a chance of seeing him periodically? This was like closing the thick steel door for good. While a part of me did not want that door to fully close (although it had long ago in reality), I knew it was best for me and my emotional well being to leave it all behind. It scared me for some reason but I agreed to try and sell because I knew it was the best decision for myself and for both my H and I to move on for good. We sold this summer and now I am in a new place. I am only 10 miles away and still go in that town to visit friends but my chances of seeing him are much slimmer. The sad part is after all these years, I still have him in the brain. I still think of him and his actions towards me still haunt me at times where I wonder "why didn't he want me enough?"
While I have moved on, received excellent counseling and feel I have grown expotentially, the hurt still lingers deep within. The thoughts of never being good enough are still there.
This tells me I still have work to do. I wonder if feeling this way as a child triggers these feelings with an AP. This was one I had a lot of trouble letting go of. I feel lucky to have made the decison to end things and gain my dignity and self respect back and to see things clearly for what they really were.
I am thankful I am no longer obsessed with him, that he does not rule my every waking thought 24/7, that it is only times when I am here alone or something triggers the thoughts.
I really wish I could erase him from my brain forever. I do not like that he still comes into my thoughts after all this time. I ended things because I did what I had to do. It doesn't mean my feelings were gone and I no longer cared. I just didnt want to feel used anymore. Maybe I can be thankful for that and not over analyze so much..............
Replies
I am certain my affair(s) are directly correlated to my caregiver bonds as a child. Once you start researching that a bit, it all starts to make perfect sense.
Still, I get what your saying about the lingering 'feels'... I can't seem to shake those either. All the rational thinking in the world is no match for my exAP and the effect he had, and continues to have on me.
Regarding the "feels," I can still get them even though I cut AP out of my life forever. It's not him, it's the way I felt in those moments. I think it is okay to carry that.
Maybe there isn't any one specific answer to the reasons they have such an effect on us? The sad part is besides sex and his luscious lips there really wasn't much there but crumbs. I found him intoxicating and cannot tell you why.
I have done some research on what my therapist feels may be my underlying issue although I have read different schools of thought from "you look for someone to replace your father and try to change the outcome over and over" (and my dad wasn't even really the issue per se) to "you subconsciously recognize traits in them that you yourself have so are drawn to them." Sometimes reading confuses me even more.
Thanks so much for your thoughts!
It is hard to move on. Really, really, really hard. But sometimes it is for the best. You have to make a choice and that implies not making other choices. You see a fork in the road and go down one path or the other. It's simple really but not really because it's so hard and complicated and messy and our minds can always take us down the other path at the same time, and we think know something about that path because we can imagine it but we don't because we haven't really taken it. Sometimes you have to just stop and remind yourself that you took this path and not the other and you had very good reasons even though emotionally it is hard.
My AP always asks those questions you ask: why is she not enough, why is she not good enough. And the answer is she is, but that is not sufficient. We still have spouses, families, social circles, obligations to others; they have to count for something. We don't live in a bubble even though it can seem that way.
So what else can it be? Sneaking around forever I suppose is an option. But that is a high risk game to play and I just don't have the stomach for it. We have had close calls. My wife has voiced suspicions. So far I have been able to dance around them but the more risks we take, the more likelihood of a D-day and the worse it will be, and is that really the best way to end it? If one really is committed to their AP they should end it with their spouse....and if not, then what are they doing?
Sometimes there are no easy answers. Time helps. In the end life is always accompanied by some degree of pain and suffering, for everyone. And you just have to accept that. It is always best to make your peace with facts since there is no getting around them. You can't erase him from your brain but you can acknowledge and accept the fact that you can't. And just get on with making the best of things.