When dissatisfaction is a good thing...
Here it comes again... those dreaded cycles that make me think, lol.
Dissatisfaction #1 - This time, I found myself missing my X.... actually, that old illusion of who I thought my X was. The one who cared, the one who I adored, the one who understood me but liked me anyways, lol. What does this mean? Well, looking at it, it might mean that I'm beginning to enter the stage of wanting to begin dating, but then again, NOT, lol. But I am discovering myself... my biggest fear used to be being alone. And yet here I am, not only alone, but LOVING it. Anyone who's ever had depression knows what I mean when I say that I used to feel alone in a room full of people. And I dreaded it... but now that I'm living it, it's different. Because even when I'm alone, I don't feel alone! When I was recovering from the depression, the best thing someone said to me was “how can others like you if you don't like yourself?” So since the divorce, I've been exploring that.... finding out what I like to do, what gives me peace, what stresses me out (and how to get rid of it), and I'm not only seeking out being alone, but embracing and protecting it. And when I do that, I've noticed my creativity comes out. This week, I've begun my crafts again – Some stuff I hadn't done in 20 years and I've actually got some orders to fill for Christmas! So will I ever be ready for dating again? Maybe someday, but right now, I'm way too busying making new friends and letting people into my life again.... so far, I've learned that I should NEVER accept a private dinner invite (I'm too fussy of an eater), that I've got some strange quirks about how my house should be run (and no it doesn't include cleaning, lol – it involves protecting my cats from eagles!) And I've learned that when I begin to worry about silly stuff like my neighbor, I use my energy up and it gets me nowhere except more worry. Hmmm.... what else can I learn about me?
Dissatisfaction #2 – OMG, hiking photos and goals. UGH. I'm only 5 pounds away from the lowest weight I've been the past 20 years, and yet I look like I haven't done a thing (which I haven't in a year). I know what to do.... just gotta pull up my laces and start moving and eat better. And yet I haven't... why? Because I've been using it to tell myself that I'm ok and that I deserve to treat myself from time to time... and boy, have I latched onto that because divorce had such a nasty way of making me feel SO unworthy! Hello Ice Cream! And I've been using the ice cream to tell myself that I AM worthy, even if only for that moment. So enough of that! Time to become worthy again, turn away from the ice cream (well, at least until after the 10,000 calorie burning bike rides, lol) and DO IT. DO IT for me... And to get started, I've begun scheduling weekends just for myself and long distance bicycle rides... because summer is just way too short! Tomorrow, I'm going to a volksmarch by myself.... it's to explore the area where Custer first entered the Black Hills in search of gold.... I'm really looking forward to it and it's worth throwing another $30.00 of gas into the van, lol.
Dissatisfaction #3 – finances (another goal). And another UGH. So I have a job that just barely pays the bills. Future prospects with this career.... well, let's just say I've hit the ceiling. So, with this whole neighbor thing, I've got some decisions to make.... if I get that fence this year, it's going to take every penny extra I'm going to earn and the hope for a better career will be gone because I won't have the money for the classes or licensing. AND, I won't even be able to think about saving for an emergency fund.... SO, despite the neighbor trying to drive me crazy again (last night he was moving MY lawn – rolling my eyes), I am going to try to stay focused and get ready for the career change.... I think I'm gonna need it – and much more than a beautiful vinyl fence (though I'm not getting rid of that plan yet either).
Dissatisfaction #4 – my house. Standing in my ugly kitchen with my friend the other day, I realized that it wouldn't take much to make some decent changes in it... things I can do myself with little expense. So I'm going to have to just ignore that neighbor with some more teeth gritting... this weekend, I'm going to do some painting outside – after that hike of course. Next paycheck, I'm going to get some new flooring for my entry and kitchen.... it might just actually begin to look like a decent house by July – when my father comes and he's going to park the 5th wheel in front of my neighbor's house, lol!
BTW, I noticed this happens every full moon – the dissatisfaction - I'm doing ok, liking the way things are, and when the full moon comes, I question EVERYTHING. But that's a good thing... because looking at where things can go from here lets me know when I'm getting off track in my ADVENTURE... like worrying and being angry about the neighbor so much that I stop looking at the important things like my broken gutter last night... yeah, dissatisfaction is a good thing and keeps me focused on paths I want to take – and no, my neighbor isn't on that path, lol.
Quote for the day:
When all is said and done, the only relationship you are guaranteed to be in forever is the one you have with yourself. Don't lose sight of who you really are or you will end up discovering the true meaning of being alone.
LATER!
Dissatisfaction #1 - This time, I found myself missing my X.... actually, that old illusion of who I thought my X was. The one who cared, the one who I adored, the one who understood me but liked me anyways, lol. What does this mean? Well, looking at it, it might mean that I'm beginning to enter the stage of wanting to begin dating, but then again, NOT, lol. But I am discovering myself... my biggest fear used to be being alone. And yet here I am, not only alone, but LOVING it. Anyone who's ever had depression knows what I mean when I say that I used to feel alone in a room full of people. And I dreaded it... but now that I'm living it, it's different. Because even when I'm alone, I don't feel alone! When I was recovering from the depression, the best thing someone said to me was “how can others like you if you don't like yourself?” So since the divorce, I've been exploring that.... finding out what I like to do, what gives me peace, what stresses me out (and how to get rid of it), and I'm not only seeking out being alone, but embracing and protecting it. And when I do that, I've noticed my creativity comes out. This week, I've begun my crafts again – Some stuff I hadn't done in 20 years and I've actually got some orders to fill for Christmas! So will I ever be ready for dating again? Maybe someday, but right now, I'm way too busying making new friends and letting people into my life again.... so far, I've learned that I should NEVER accept a private dinner invite (I'm too fussy of an eater), that I've got some strange quirks about how my house should be run (and no it doesn't include cleaning, lol – it involves protecting my cats from eagles!) And I've learned that when I begin to worry about silly stuff like my neighbor, I use my energy up and it gets me nowhere except more worry. Hmmm.... what else can I learn about me?
Dissatisfaction #2 – OMG, hiking photos and goals. UGH. I'm only 5 pounds away from the lowest weight I've been the past 20 years, and yet I look like I haven't done a thing (which I haven't in a year). I know what to do.... just gotta pull up my laces and start moving and eat better. And yet I haven't... why? Because I've been using it to tell myself that I'm ok and that I deserve to treat myself from time to time... and boy, have I latched onto that because divorce had such a nasty way of making me feel SO unworthy! Hello Ice Cream! And I've been using the ice cream to tell myself that I AM worthy, even if only for that moment. So enough of that! Time to become worthy again, turn away from the ice cream (well, at least until after the 10,000 calorie burning bike rides, lol) and DO IT. DO IT for me... And to get started, I've begun scheduling weekends just for myself and long distance bicycle rides... because summer is just way too short! Tomorrow, I'm going to a volksmarch by myself.... it's to explore the area where Custer first entered the Black Hills in search of gold.... I'm really looking forward to it and it's worth throwing another $30.00 of gas into the van, lol.
Dissatisfaction #3 – finances (another goal). And another UGH. So I have a job that just barely pays the bills. Future prospects with this career.... well, let's just say I've hit the ceiling. So, with this whole neighbor thing, I've got some decisions to make.... if I get that fence this year, it's going to take every penny extra I'm going to earn and the hope for a better career will be gone because I won't have the money for the classes or licensing. AND, I won't even be able to think about saving for an emergency fund.... SO, despite the neighbor trying to drive me crazy again (last night he was moving MY lawn – rolling my eyes), I am going to try to stay focused and get ready for the career change.... I think I'm gonna need it – and much more than a beautiful vinyl fence (though I'm not getting rid of that plan yet either).
Dissatisfaction #4 – my house. Standing in my ugly kitchen with my friend the other day, I realized that it wouldn't take much to make some decent changes in it... things I can do myself with little expense. So I'm going to have to just ignore that neighbor with some more teeth gritting... this weekend, I'm going to do some painting outside – after that hike of course. Next paycheck, I'm going to get some new flooring for my entry and kitchen.... it might just actually begin to look like a decent house by July – when my father comes and he's going to park the 5th wheel in front of my neighbor's house, lol!
BTW, I noticed this happens every full moon – the dissatisfaction - I'm doing ok, liking the way things are, and when the full moon comes, I question EVERYTHING. But that's a good thing... because looking at where things can go from here lets me know when I'm getting off track in my ADVENTURE... like worrying and being angry about the neighbor so much that I stop looking at the important things like my broken gutter last night... yeah, dissatisfaction is a good thing and keeps me focused on paths I want to take – and no, my neighbor isn't on that path, lol.
Quote for the day:
When all is said and done, the only relationship you are guaranteed to be in forever is the one you have with yourself. Don't lose sight of who you really are or you will end up discovering the true meaning of being alone.
LATER!
Replies
Wow! I love your quote! Can I use it too? One of these days I need to write a new journal entry, but I am procrastinating and not doing it. Thanks for all the ideas about dissatisfaction. You are doing great, keep up the good thoughts and ideas. I keep praying by reading some of your journals they will rub off on me! Ha, Ha!
(((Hugs)))
I think we all have things we want to do and for some reason those things just don\'t happen. I procrastinate too. Things and decisions we aren\'t satisfied with.
I have a lot of dissatisfaction with a few things on this farm for now. I find that sometimes just waiting usually takes care of most of the things I\'m unhappy with. Except my weight and I really need to start working on that.
I have to say..you are absolutly amaazing!!! How so you do it? I am so impressed with your attitude and energy. I can barely get off the couch and look at all the accomplishments you have. You are my new hero!-Sandy
Mac - the quote came from Facebook and was posted by a person who calls herself \"A Beautiful Mess\", I don\'t know who wrote it.... I just thought it was totally fitting. So feel free to borrow it.
Trisha - through this process, I discovered that if I stop when I begin to feel that dissatisfaction and LOOK carefully at why it\'s there (am I stuck? Is something not right? Is it a waste of time?) I can see which direction I\'m heading in. And with the neighbor having returned, I realized I was focusing ALL my attention, energy AND money toward him.... what a waste! It was like looking at a map and seeing that I took a wrong turn... time to back track and get on the right route!
And Sandy - the thing is to look at your life like it\'s a map like I mentioned to Trisha... right now, you\'re standing at the trailhead, looking off into the distance - which isn\'t very far, because there\'s lots of stuff in the way that you have to get around first, lol. Your choices right now are to stay there or take a step.... it\'s up to you when you are ready to begin moving and eventually you will have to move.... I have a friend who was stuck for THREE years after her divorce. It wasn\'t that she didn\'t want to move on, just that she didn\'t know how to do it. I could see that for the past 3 years she was just standing at that trailhead afraid to move, not sure where to go, not ready to take that first step.... And I couldn\'t bear to stay in that state - the one where I felt worthless and lonely and just wanted to hide from the world. So I got out there and immediately took that first step; I started meeting people (joined a hiking group), made new friends (including one who\'s a psychologist - which was PERFECT!), and I began moving forward.... learned how to start saving with my meager income... started getting out and exercising every day (right now it\'s hiking, next week I begin biking again), started building up a real social network so that when I want company I can just give someone a call and say let\'s go... I even found LAUGHTER again! I also started focusing on myself... 30 years is a LONG time to have your life completely focused on another person and I\'d never been alone before! So I\'m exploring and experimenting with myself... SOMEDAY, I want to have a small camper attached to the back of my van and go exploring the country. Blowing money on my neighbor means that dream gets delayed - maybe even destroyed. Na ah, WRONG path! So if he wants to mow my lawn - fine, lol - and I\'ll just take a few photos, just in case (evil grin). See what I mean?
Time for my hike! I wonder if I\'m going to make new friends today! LATER!
That\'s what I\'ve done with the neighbor\'s brat and the golf balls in my fields. I have a good neighbor and I don\'t want to lose his good will although I think my problem has been solved.
I have to put this farm up for sale soon and the brat can be someone else\'s problem. I will be off on another adventure. Another farm somewhere else.
You know what..you are great! I also am way down that road where I figured that guess what divorce, not so bad! One of the large gifts of divorce is that you get to focus on you, set goals, do not have to be accountable to anyone but yourself and it is your life. Not always such joy, but once you get on that path, find some joy and start making plans... it gets even better. I am so glad for you! You are your own life... Do not squander it. A uplift for me today, I was faltering a bit, as I am almost always upbeat. HUGS
I think your cycles are normal. Nothing in nature happens in a straight line. or nearly nothing does...
I love your go get \'em attitude. And I WISH I could come on your history field trip. I love that sort of thing. ENJOY.
I too am alone, but I am absolutely loving it. The boys will be back soon enough. Thanks for your journal posting I get a lot out of your entries.
BTW never stop giving yourself GOODIES and treats from time to time. Simply minimize or \"shift\" away from how often you do it... eat better. As others have mentioned you are doing great. I love your inspiring attitude.
Bean, if you ever make it out to the Black Hills of South Dakota, let me know and we\'ll FIND you a history field trip! And I\'ll even include a dessert trip at the Alpine Inn in Hill City, lol.