When are things going to get easier?
This is my 2nd journal entry in 2 days. Yesterday I wrote a fairly long journal entry and just as I was ready to finish it I hit the wrong button and bing! it was all gone. I absolutely hate it when that happens! I lose all my momentum and just can't redo all the writing or typing. But tonight I will try again. Tonight was card night, so I went up to the clubhouse and played cards. Met a nice couple from Idaho, but originally from Arkansas. We are expecting a heavy rain with the possibility of snow as low as 1500ft. I am at 1000ft, so won't see snow but it will be cold. I have propane to heat if I have to, but hopefully that won't be necessary. A friend of mine R called and asked if I would meet her at GTM(a discount store)since I haven't seen her since Christmas I agreed. While we were shopping I ran across a glider/rocker that was perfect for my trailer. I bought it. I know I will not be able to stay for ever in my trailer, I may have to get out by the end of this year and if I do I will need the chair for whatever room I end up renting. I really like it and hope it will last me the rest of my life, but we shall see.
I have started a new method of stopping myself from crying or showing any kind of emotion other than happiness. I wear a rubber band on my left wrist and whenever I start to think I will cry or become negative I snap the band and say out loud "No I will not cry!"or "Stop it!" or whatever I can say to make myself stop, I plan to do this for the next 2 weeks then I will stop saying things out loud, but still snap. Finally I hope I will be able to stop showing any emotion. I have realized in the past day or two that for 20 years I never cried around my husband or children. My husband would not allow it. I cried but not where they could see it. I got angry but went to my room or out to the garage so they didn't have to see me. I did this because my ex would not allow any emotion but smiling. I think what has happened the last year or so, is I wanted to show my emotions and I knew I could, but it has gotten away from me. I now cry at the drop of a hat, I get angry at the drop of a hat. It has to stop. I have gone to far. If I ever want to see my children again or ever hear from them I must return to the person I was when I was married to their father. No emotions, except happy! I can still be emotional inside, just not outside. Once I get back in control I will try loosening up slowly so that this avalanche won't happen again. I know there is nothing wrong with showing emotion, but it must be very carefully orchestrated or I will never see my children again.
I have lost all my friends except R, she has more understanding of what I am going through, even though she is young enough to be my daughter. Actually her mom and I are the same age. R's son and my daughter went to kindergarten together and that is when I first met her and became friends. We are not best friends but almost!. Her mother was and is awful, she is so bad R's kids don't believe we are the same age. But for some strange reason her mother likes me!!! When we were young, she and I would never have been friends and in fact never would have even remotely run in the same groups! She was and is a druggie and alcoholic. She was wild and I was "Miss Goody Two shoes!". So I have always admired that R has grown up to be as good a person as she is and that she has such common sense.
I have applied to the local Junior College to take classes next Fall 2011. I thought I would try to take classes in the Health field but not sure I will even get the chance, but I will see what I can do. At least I will be doing something. I have had my transcripts from SDSU sent and now my have my transcripts from Mesa Junior college sent next. Then I will make an appointment for the counseling office and see if they can give me any help.
So that is that for right now. Tomorrow I may call Dorothy and see if she is busy and will see me. It will be 2 weeks since she got mad at me and said I was not showing any appreciation for what she was doing for me. I was not happy with her, but I don't believe I have not shown her appreciation for all she has done other wise for me. So we shall see if I have totally made her hate me or if I can show her I do appreciate all she has done for me, but I was not happy with how she was handling things on that Saturday. So we shall see.
Have not talked to my son in 20 days, which is the longest time ever for me. But I will not call him until day 30 and if he still won't talk to me I will wait 60 days more before I try again. He has not tried in any way to contact me, neither has his sister, I have not spoken to her since last October 2010, which makes me want to cry and I will not cry. Snap, snap! My daughter was 17 the last time I had minimum contact with her. Now she is 18.
I have started a new method of stopping myself from crying or showing any kind of emotion other than happiness. I wear a rubber band on my left wrist and whenever I start to think I will cry or become negative I snap the band and say out loud "No I will not cry!"or "Stop it!" or whatever I can say to make myself stop, I plan to do this for the next 2 weeks then I will stop saying things out loud, but still snap. Finally I hope I will be able to stop showing any emotion. I have realized in the past day or two that for 20 years I never cried around my husband or children. My husband would not allow it. I cried but not where they could see it. I got angry but went to my room or out to the garage so they didn't have to see me. I did this because my ex would not allow any emotion but smiling. I think what has happened the last year or so, is I wanted to show my emotions and I knew I could, but it has gotten away from me. I now cry at the drop of a hat, I get angry at the drop of a hat. It has to stop. I have gone to far. If I ever want to see my children again or ever hear from them I must return to the person I was when I was married to their father. No emotions, except happy! I can still be emotional inside, just not outside. Once I get back in control I will try loosening up slowly so that this avalanche won't happen again. I know there is nothing wrong with showing emotion, but it must be very carefully orchestrated or I will never see my children again.
I have lost all my friends except R, she has more understanding of what I am going through, even though she is young enough to be my daughter. Actually her mom and I are the same age. R's son and my daughter went to kindergarten together and that is when I first met her and became friends. We are not best friends but almost!. Her mother was and is awful, she is so bad R's kids don't believe we are the same age. But for some strange reason her mother likes me!!! When we were young, she and I would never have been friends and in fact never would have even remotely run in the same groups! She was and is a druggie and alcoholic. She was wild and I was "Miss Goody Two shoes!". So I have always admired that R has grown up to be as good a person as she is and that she has such common sense.
I have applied to the local Junior College to take classes next Fall 2011. I thought I would try to take classes in the Health field but not sure I will even get the chance, but I will see what I can do. At least I will be doing something. I have had my transcripts from SDSU sent and now my have my transcripts from Mesa Junior college sent next. Then I will make an appointment for the counseling office and see if they can give me any help.
So that is that for right now. Tomorrow I may call Dorothy and see if she is busy and will see me. It will be 2 weeks since she got mad at me and said I was not showing any appreciation for what she was doing for me. I was not happy with her, but I don't believe I have not shown her appreciation for all she has done other wise for me. So we shall see if I have totally made her hate me or if I can show her I do appreciate all she has done for me, but I was not happy with how she was handling things on that Saturday. So we shall see.
Have not talked to my son in 20 days, which is the longest time ever for me. But I will not call him until day 30 and if he still won't talk to me I will wait 60 days more before I try again. He has not tried in any way to contact me, neither has his sister, I have not spoken to her since last October 2010, which makes me want to cry and I will not cry. Snap, snap! My daughter was 17 the last time I had minimum contact with her. Now she is 18.
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