whats real and whats not

just woundering , the last month and some i been busy i moved my bf out, i am raising my kid myself (not his child and father not in picture) she will be two at end of jan . im busy with school my kid and tv. days seem to pass quit fast latly i havent had a really bad day in a while i kinda try not to give my self a free moment to sit and feel bad for myself like things can be so much worse but at the same time things could be so much better as well . my focus is on getting through the day in one piece and seeing how much i can accomplish in a day . verse me feeling so fat and ugly that i caint bare the thought of life for anouther how many years like really .
i dont know what time is doing to me but one day at a time i really have to focus and be all i can be for what i dont know and who knows maybe when its time that i am what i want i will be were i want shortly after.
even though my thoughts arnt haunting me every second of every day at the moment anyways doesnt mean im gunna stop hoping for a diasease that will take me were i wanna be . i dont know if ill ever give up that , even if one is happy will i ever be truly happy when i desire somthing so bad life just seems so numb and fake emotions politness just get rudness back all this work for what what if even the point of the univervse with the negativity and crims people make , i wish my child wouldnt grow up in this world either . i wanted babys to know what it felt like to be a mother and still want more because i love it , but the reality of the world makes me hope it shall end when they say it so called does . but doubt full ironically im surprised theres no talk about that right now isnt it suppose to dec somthing this year .