Whatever...

There are people that make me smile and on the outside I may look like everything's fine- but the truth is, I'm just hiding the pain.  When the house gets quiet and everyone's gone to bed, I'm alone with my thoughts.  I usually just sit there on my bed and cry.  There are so many unanswered questions and alot of tears for the loss of my marriage.  He tried to ruin my birthday, and it worked.  My friends did a lot to make it special, but his phone calls just kept going through my mind all day.  I tried to smile, and I tried to be happy, but all I could think about was all the birthdays he has ruined.  Every year I am told I am selfish because I want to have a good birthday.  I don't get it.  I tried so hard to be the 'perfect' wife.  I just couldn't do it all, and he never offered to help with anything.  Because of all he's put me through, I feel like I've failed as a wife, and as a mom.  I keep thinking "If I would have just done more.  If I would have never complained about anything..."  I should have just kept my mouth shut and not said a word, then I wouldn't have constant headaches from multiple skull fractures trying to heal.  I wouldn't flinch everytime someone makes a sudden move.  I wouldn't get a panic attack everytime someone raises their voice.  If I could have been a better wife, he wouldn't have beat me.  If I wasn't so fat, he wouldn't have turned to porn because he wasn't sexually satisfied with me.  If I could have done more to take care of the house and him, then things never would have become this bad.  I tried to do more, but I didn't have any help taking care of an autistic son, cleaning, cooking, yardwork...  He used to cut the grass, but that soon stopped.  He never really took out the garbage.  He left his dirty clothes and dishes all over the house.  I should have just taken care of his mess, and then my life wouldn't be falling apart right now.  I keep wondering why he spent so much time on the computer instead of holding me.  That was probably one of the worst things.  I just wanted to be held, and he didn't care.  How hard was it to turn off a game on the computer and hold me??  How much trouble is it to sit down and watch a movie with your wife one night a week??  I always felt so neglected, and I feel like it's all my fault.  If I could have just been a better wife...