What Would It Be Like Now? TW
I've been in therapy for about a month and three weeks. If I remember correctly, this is the longest I've remained with a therapist voluntarily since I was 13/14. I saw the school counselor weekly for nearly the entire school year when I was in 8th grade (when I began cutting). I don't think my parents were aware of this at the time. I'm now 22 years old and they know a bit about my past with cutting. I'm not sure how much they know, but they were informed by the school my junior year of high school. I have refused to discuss it with them, and I don't think I will never talk about it with my family voluntarily. I don't think they will ever know just how bad it got at that time. They can see the scars on my forearm but they don't know I have more on my leg, hip, bicep, and stomach. They will never understand how cutting completely took over my mind and my life. Even if I told them they would never understand just how obsessed I was with cutting and how it slowly creeps back into my life from time to time. I don't believe I will ever be able to move past it.
When it creeps back into my life that doesn't mean I go back to cutting. There are many reasons I cannot do that. I think I will write a separate entry about those reasons. But the thoughts of it do come. I slowly become obsessed with it again. My heart races when I think about what it used to do for me, everything it gave me. Sometimes I cannot stop smiling remembering how exciting it was to prep for a session or how wonderfully calm I would feel immediately after. I search online for pictures of fresh cuts that look like mine did. I try to find any reading material with even the slightest mention of self-injury. When I find a movie with a cutting scene, I will watch it over and over again. I don't mean the entire movie, I will watch that one scene. I'll take anything I can find: movies, books, songs, artwork, stories, photos. I feel like this kind of obsession is no better than actually cutting.
I recently got a library card and came across a small section of books with self-injury in the title. I wasn't looking for them and I didn't want to look at them because my girlfriend was with me. Ever since that day I have been trying to think of ways to get back to the library by myself. I just want to find an isolated corner and read every single word of those books, just to be connected to cutting. It's hard because of my work schedule, but I won't give up until I've been able to read them.
I've been very open about this with my therapist and I feel really comfortable with her. She's been very receptive to everything I've said about cutting and I haven't felt judged by her once. That shouldn't be such a huge deal when talking about therapy but that hasn't always been my experience. I once was forced to see a therapist who seemed to be disgusted by my experience and I felt like I was teaching her. It was a terrible experience.
I start to wonder what cutting would be like now. If I could do it again, would it be the same? Would I be able to enjoy it in the same way? My biggest fear is that I wouldn't, that that part of me is lost forever. I can't imagine anything worse. Now that I'm a working adult with my own money, I could buy anything I wanted for my cutting sessions. I work in a pharmacy and could purchase some amazing wound care supplies. The aftercare would be ten times better than it was when I was in high school. I made butterfly bandages out of masking tape back then. Aftercare was a huge part of the experience for me. I loved cleaning and bandaging my wounds. I can hardly write about it because the thought gets me so excited! I cannot even imagine what it would be like to use real medical tape, gauze, steri strips, real butterfly bandages, even tegaderm. I would still use the blades from inside disposable shaving razors. Nothing ever compared to those for me. I always wanted to use real blades but they never worked as well I wanted them to. I have tried several different types of blades and broken glass. None of them ever came close. I could take apart as many as I wanted without worrying that anybody would notice or as questions.
I don't know that I'll ever be able to move past these thoughts and I'm so afraid that they will consumed me again the way they did five years ago.
When it creeps back into my life that doesn't mean I go back to cutting. There are many reasons I cannot do that. I think I will write a separate entry about those reasons. But the thoughts of it do come. I slowly become obsessed with it again. My heart races when I think about what it used to do for me, everything it gave me. Sometimes I cannot stop smiling remembering how exciting it was to prep for a session or how wonderfully calm I would feel immediately after. I search online for pictures of fresh cuts that look like mine did. I try to find any reading material with even the slightest mention of self-injury. When I find a movie with a cutting scene, I will watch it over and over again. I don't mean the entire movie, I will watch that one scene. I'll take anything I can find: movies, books, songs, artwork, stories, photos. I feel like this kind of obsession is no better than actually cutting.
I recently got a library card and came across a small section of books with self-injury in the title. I wasn't looking for them and I didn't want to look at them because my girlfriend was with me. Ever since that day I have been trying to think of ways to get back to the library by myself. I just want to find an isolated corner and read every single word of those books, just to be connected to cutting. It's hard because of my work schedule, but I won't give up until I've been able to read them.
I've been very open about this with my therapist and I feel really comfortable with her. She's been very receptive to everything I've said about cutting and I haven't felt judged by her once. That shouldn't be such a huge deal when talking about therapy but that hasn't always been my experience. I once was forced to see a therapist who seemed to be disgusted by my experience and I felt like I was teaching her. It was a terrible experience.
I start to wonder what cutting would be like now. If I could do it again, would it be the same? Would I be able to enjoy it in the same way? My biggest fear is that I wouldn't, that that part of me is lost forever. I can't imagine anything worse. Now that I'm a working adult with my own money, I could buy anything I wanted for my cutting sessions. I work in a pharmacy and could purchase some amazing wound care supplies. The aftercare would be ten times better than it was when I was in high school. I made butterfly bandages out of masking tape back then. Aftercare was a huge part of the experience for me. I loved cleaning and bandaging my wounds. I can hardly write about it because the thought gets me so excited! I cannot even imagine what it would be like to use real medical tape, gauze, steri strips, real butterfly bandages, even tegaderm. I would still use the blades from inside disposable shaving razors. Nothing ever compared to those for me. I always wanted to use real blades but they never worked as well I wanted them to. I have tried several different types of blades and broken glass. None of them ever came close. I could take apart as many as I wanted without worrying that anybody would notice or as questions.
I don't know that I'll ever be able to move past these thoughts and I'm so afraid that they will consumed me again the way they did five years ago.
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