What will be,will be
The time is 8:57am,and I am here once more.The night just passed,has been one of fitful,disturbed sleep;with my emotions a whirlpool of negativity,and,at times,anger like the white hot fire of a blacksmith at his labors.I am weary with the effort of remaining silent,when my desire is to howl my frustration at the world,whatever the consequences of that action might be.I have spent long,drawn out hours,wrestling with the malicious red eyed beast,consumed by rage,that inhabits my soul, and threatens to conquer whatever vestiges of humanity that remain in the man I once was.Perhaps I was never meant to be a participant in the constitution called marriage;perhaps I should have remained a solitary traveler on destiny's highway,being responsible for no-one but myself,and hurting no other living being on my pilgrimage.After all,do not other solitary animals make their passage through life,asking nothing but enough to get by?;the fox who hunts by night,and remains largely unseen in daylight hours,the mountain lion and the eagle;free to roam unshackled with the bonds of expectation,and the rules of society.Perhaps I too,should run without my pack;a man who's choices and decisions affect him and him alone.
I used to be a sociable soul,a man who reveled in the company of others,took pleasure in the simplest acts of humanity;now my overwhelming desire is to be alone,a burden to none, and responsible for only me.I feel the need to make my own choices,my own decisions concerning my own identity;I cannot be the stereotype imagined by,or wished for, by others any longer.I grow tired simply attempting to attain the standards that others set,the expectations and demands of those around me,and beyond,rest like a cumbersome yolk upon my exhausted and pain wracked shoulders.The decisions that need to be made,need to be made sooner rather than later,as I feel the sand in my hourglass of life is growing ever more weighty at the bottom,and God does not allow one the luxury of turning it over and beginning again.Anyway,I shall end for now journal,for I grow tired with the futility of my attempts at reasoning and logic;perhaps tomorrow will bring a parting of the clouds,and a glimpse of bluer sky;we shall see,till then,I will away from this place,to see what this day has in store,and as ever,throughout the history of the world;what will be,will be.
I used to be a sociable soul,a man who reveled in the company of others,took pleasure in the simplest acts of humanity;now my overwhelming desire is to be alone,a burden to none, and responsible for only me.I feel the need to make my own choices,my own decisions concerning my own identity;I cannot be the stereotype imagined by,or wished for, by others any longer.I grow tired simply attempting to attain the standards that others set,the expectations and demands of those around me,and beyond,rest like a cumbersome yolk upon my exhausted and pain wracked shoulders.The decisions that need to be made,need to be made sooner rather than later,as I feel the sand in my hourglass of life is growing ever more weighty at the bottom,and God does not allow one the luxury of turning it over and beginning again.Anyway,I shall end for now journal,for I grow tired with the futility of my attempts at reasoning and logic;perhaps tomorrow will bring a parting of the clouds,and a glimpse of bluer sky;we shall see,till then,I will away from this place,to see what this day has in store,and as ever,throughout the history of the world;what will be,will be.
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