What was that?????
Wow! Last night was a complete trip for me. I say last night but I guess now it was really night before last. Never went to sleep tonight. I have become very manic tonight and cannot slow down. Have been online and on the phone. I don't want to be around a bunch of people but I need the human contact to keep me in reality. I only had one hallucination yesterday but it was not unpleasant like the night before. I guess that is a good thing but maybe not so good. I shouldn't be having them period I don't think. Seems like this whole thing is getting worse instead of better. Only good thing I can say is that I am still sober through it all. Not that I haven't thought about picking up a bottle and drinking myself into oblivion but I haven't done it. Feels like life is truly falling apart right now. There are times when I want to just exit my life stage left for good. Then there are those times when I get angry and determined not to let this thing take me out. I guess those two flip flop back and forth at least 15 or 20 times a day. It feels like I am being punished for doing something bad. I cannot imagine what in the world I could have done that would have been so bad that I would deserve to have to go through all of this. I want to try and stay positive about it all but it gets harder and harder every single day. I know this isn't a dry drunk. Talked to my sponsor about that today. Had those and this is not even close to that. Maybe today I will be able to put some dynomite under me and blow my ass out of this bed and this room. I will try and we will see what happens. I am supposed to go to a family thing in a few short hours and I REALLY don't want to go. I promised I would be there though and keeping my word is very important to me. I may have nothing else but I still have my integrity. I will keep my word even if it kills me. I guess we will see what happens. OK I guess I have rambled on long enough. For those of you who read this and were worried about me. Thank you. I am still here.