What was that?????

Wow!  Last night was a complete trip for me. I say last night but I guess now it was really night before last.  Never went to sleep tonight.  I have become very manic tonight and cannot slow down.  Have been online and on the phone.  I don't want to be around a bunch of people but I need the human contact to keep me in reality.  I only had one hallucination yesterday but it was not unpleasant like the night before.  I guess that is a good thing but maybe not so good.  I shouldn't be having them period I don't think.  Seems like this whole thing is getting worse instead of better.  Only good thing I can say is that I am still sober through it all.  Not that I haven't thought about picking up a bottle and drinking myself into oblivion but I haven't done it.  Feels like life is truly falling apart right now.  There are times when I want to just exit my life stage left for good.  Then there are those times when I get angry and determined not to let this thing take me out.  I guess those two flip flop back and forth at least 15 or 20 times a day.  It feels like I am being punished for doing something bad.  I cannot imagine what in the world I could have done that would have been so bad that I would deserve to have to go through all of this.  I want to try and stay positive about it all but it gets harder and harder every single day.  I know this isn't a dry drunk.  Talked to my sponsor about that today.  Had those and this is not even close to that.  Maybe today I will be able to put some dynomite under me and blow my ass out of this bed and this room.  I will try and we will see what happens.  I am supposed to go to a family thing in a few short hours and I REALLY don't want to go.  I promised I would be there though and keeping my word is very important to me.  I may have nothing else but I still have my integrity.  I will keep my word even if it kills me.  I guess we will see what happens.  OK I guess I have rambled on long enough.  For those of you who read this and were worried about me.  Thank you.  I am still here.