What today has brought so far...
I love that time in the morning after I have hit the snooze button on my alarm clock, and am just coming up enough out of my sleep to "direct" my dream. Not yet awake, but aware enough that if I don't like what's happening, I can change it. But I need the alarm to go off again, or I can slip back into a deep enough sleep that my dream takes over, and takes away that ability to remove the bad stuff, or the bad people. And it's only after I'm fully awake that I can try to figure out why I created that dream for myself in the first place.
I feel like my recovery is at the same place. I'm aware enough to "direct" my behavior, I'm not going to the casino, but without the "alarm" ( this site and GA) I could easily slip back down into my addiction. I am not "awake" enough to understand why I allowed myself to fall in the first place, but each day I get a little closer.
I feel like my recovery is at the same place. I'm aware enough to "direct" my behavior, I'm not going to the casino, but without the "alarm" ( this site and GA) I could easily slip back down into my addiction. I am not "awake" enough to understand why I allowed myself to fall in the first place, but each day I get a little closer.
Replies
Resolved, keep things simple. I can see from your posts that you are intelligent. I too am a college graduate and now going for my masters in health science. All my life I thought I was smarter than everyone else. I might have been, but I wasn\"t smart enough to beat the gambling game or the drinking game. I am 31 years sober because I sat in an AA meeting every day for two years when I didn\'t want to. I came to a point in the meetings when finally I didn\'t want to leave as I found a family who cared and I was safe. Forget the ninth step. You are way ahead of youself. You are on the first step. Stay there for a while until you totally believe it with all your resolve. I didn\'t like anyone at the meetings at first but I found out one day that the person I disliked the most, held me when I was falling apart. You pick your sponsor, your sponsor dosn\'t pick you. Regarding the ninth step, when it hurts others or yourself and we are talking about you getting hurt stay away from that one. It gives you an out if you read it. I have tried many, many times to seek forgiveness and found only rejection which then sent me out to gamble again to punish myself further. I have gambled since I was 6 years old and lost hundreds of thousands of dollars, two wives who were wonderful and a bad relationship with my kids. I have less time than you as I have been playing the horses online but I know the 12 step program word for word. Keep it simple. I am not better than you, just another gambler who remains broke and unhappy, and very,very sad. I am sorry for the harm I have created but I can\'t change that. The only thing I can do is stop gambling and I don\'t want to. I have cancer as well but that dosn\'t hurt one tenth as much as losing all my money. That shows you how smart I am. Screw the degrees. They will not get me a winning lottery ticket, a winning horse, four aces, a royal flush or a winning sports game. So there, follow me to the poor house or do what you are doing, by posting every day to people who care. Jon, your friend. joncorn38@yahoo.com anytime you feel like it. Good luck.
Jon,
Thank you so much for commenting.
I am so sorry that you are ill, and that you overcame alcoholism just to struggle with gambling.
And I will stick it out with GA, went back tonight and it was a teeny bit better. I\'m dedicated to making the rest of my life gamble free, and a little discomfort is a small price to pay.
You are right about advising me to keep it simple, I have a tendency to over analyze!
And as far as feeling superior to anyone, if I ever had those feelings, they were quickly squashed by my visits to pawn shops and payday loan offices, places I never thought I would end up. I may have been a little more well dressed or educated than most of the folks there, but I was still just another desperate woman trying to keep the lights on. This addiction has been a real lesson in humility, maybe that\'s the silver lining?
And there may have been a slight misunderstanding about my reference to the 9th step, it was in response to a poster who was concerned about the possible repercussions. I hadn\'t even thought about that far ahead, but I do appreciate the perspective you have given me on it and I\'ll cross that bridge when I come to it!
And how \'bout you join me on the journey out of the poorhouse? It breaks my heart to hear you refer to yourself as \"broke and unhappy and very very sad\".
Shelly