What to do?
My friend Debbie came to visit me tonight....she is having a rough go of it....she buried her daughter Amanda two weeks and two ago....I cry with her everytime I see her....she told me that the Son in Law has taken all five of her grand children away and is prohibiting her from seeing them because when Amanda was in the hospital and had a stroke which the doctors claimed left her brain dead....Debbie did not want to pull the life support system...she had asked Cory (the SIL) if they could please wait for a day so the whole family would have a chance to say good-bye to her since they were on the way from different parts of MS to do just that....Cory pitched a fit and told Debbie that him and Amanda had spoken about life support and Amanda was not in favor of it....Debbie wanted to sit with her daughter for the last time and just hold her hand and talk to her for as long as she could knowing it would be for the last time....Well...Debbie got to keep Amanda on life support for that final last day and everyone got to say good-bye while Amanda was still here on this earth and Debbie thought she had done the right thing...and in my book, she DID do the right thing...everyone should have a chance to say good-bye if that possibility exsist....
I never got to say good-bye to MayLyn and it haunts me to this day..it is one of my "what if's" that I have to deal with still....now that Debbie is gone I sit here behind my desk feeling totally shattered once again...how can someone get mad at a Mother that just wanted to sit and hold her daughter hand and say good-bye...for the last time????????? But I digress...I am at a loss as to what to say to my friend...I believe she was right and she displayed what any loving parent would in her time of crisis....and I stand beside her %100.
Cory was so mad that Debbie was not allowed to share the memorial service with her grandchildren...so there will be no closure there for them....and now the kids have been prohibited from seeing their Mommy's Mom??? What is wrong with this picture???? I have such a strong urge to go kick Cory in the head...but I won't...I tell myself as I sit and cry that I am here as a support system for my friend...I don't want her to get so low that she hurts herself....anyone got any ideas to share with me here other than the violent one I mentioned?
I am trying desparetly to get Debbie to come to DS, it is just too soon, she is hurting so much....
Thanks again for listening...
love you all...
Walking beside you always...
Jacqueline PLH MayLyn's Momma
P.S. MayLyn, Kyrina and Angelina saw a butterfly today and straight out of both their mouths came "Look Mimi...it's MayMay...she came for dinner"....I set an extra plate on the table for you tonight....miss you sweet girl...love you with all my heart...and then some.
Love Mommy PLH
I never got to say good-bye to MayLyn and it haunts me to this day..it is one of my "what if's" that I have to deal with still....now that Debbie is gone I sit here behind my desk feeling totally shattered once again...how can someone get mad at a Mother that just wanted to sit and hold her daughter hand and say good-bye...for the last time????????? But I digress...I am at a loss as to what to say to my friend...I believe she was right and she displayed what any loving parent would in her time of crisis....and I stand beside her %100.
Cory was so mad that Debbie was not allowed to share the memorial service with her grandchildren...so there will be no closure there for them....and now the kids have been prohibited from seeing their Mommy's Mom??? What is wrong with this picture???? I have such a strong urge to go kick Cory in the head...but I won't...I tell myself as I sit and cry that I am here as a support system for my friend...I don't want her to get so low that she hurts herself....anyone got any ideas to share with me here other than the violent one I mentioned?
I am trying desparetly to get Debbie to come to DS, it is just too soon, she is hurting so much....
Thanks again for listening...
love you all...
Walking beside you always...
Jacqueline PLH MayLyn's Momma
P.S. MayLyn, Kyrina and Angelina saw a butterfly today and straight out of both their mouths came "Look Mimi...it's MayMay...she came for dinner"....I set an extra plate on the table for you tonight....miss you sweet girl...love you with all my heart...and then some.
Love Mommy PLH
Replies
I agree with Debbie 100%! I too didn\'t have the opportunity to say goodbye to Michael or Chad. Maybe a blessing, maybe not? I\'ll never know. I don\'t understand how the SIL can be so cruel, but there are several Mom\'s here, that are dealing with losing the grandchildren after losing their child. I don\'t get it.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THE BUTTERFLY STORY!
P.S. I am going to give MayLyn\'s recipe a try that you shared, this weekend.
Tight hugs, and love......Barbara
Just be that loving presence for her. That sacred safe place where she can come and let it all out. No words, no fixing, no guiding... not even sharing your experience until she asks. Giving her 100% of you and knowing as she is with you that you symbolize the light that she may feel is buried under a darkness that she cannot even imagine ever escaping yet will. You are there for her as her friend, confidante and sister in loss and in love. The doing is unimportant now... your BEING with her is the gift that you give. Loving thoughts and prayers as you companion one another on this journey none of us chose yet have found ourselves in. You are her answer to many prayers my friend. Love and hugs, Joanie
Dear Jacqueline, My heart goes out 2 this Mom. I think she did the right thing as well. Not to in any way excuse the SIL\'s behavior but I do wonder if as some of the pain, hurt & anger that he may be experiencing dissipates, maybe he\'ll come around. Men, from what I\'ve observed, even with my grandson Josh, tend to go right to anger. Sometimes to the point that it keeps them stuck because they will not deal with the sadness. If it were me & Amanda\'s mom asks, I would encourage her to explore grandparents rights in the state she lives in. This may make her have a sense of empowerment. As far as the terrible grief it helped me & my grandchildren to know that people from this site, all over the country & even other countries were praying for us. I know you are a wonderful comfort to your friend. Just being present with her through the darkest hours. Take care of yourself too. I know it is difficult to go into your grief to help another Mom, but at the same time so worth it. Prayers for Amanda\'s mom & love to you & MayLyn, Linda PS Thank God for the butterflies!
I too didn\'t get to say goodbuy to Bobby. So I agree 100% with the Mom. I am sending up prayers for this Mom because we all how she is feeling with this loss. Just be there for your friend and let us know if she comes to DS. Sending love & hugs your way, Connie
It is truly unbelievable how some people will behave in a time of tragedy. I think that your sweet friend must search her heart and know that her intentions were pure. She did what she needed to do for herself and her family...hopefully son-in-law will see this eventually. Was their relationship good before her daughters sudden illness? If so, that adds to the MY confusion as to why he would be so upset. IF, it is tearing her apart, perhaps she should attempt to speak to him calmly and openly about why she sought those last few hours. And, in the meantime, do what you do so well...listen with an open and loving heart...Karen
I agree with Debbie completely. In my opinion she did the right thing and exactly what I would have done. What also is so sad is these children have not only lost thier mommy, but he is taking them away from thier grandma too. They need her as well as she needs them. My heart goes out to her and I hope he gets his senses back soon and realizes the damage he is causing to all. Jacqueline, all you can do is sit beside her and be her friend as you have been. She will need you a lot now and is blessed to have you for a friend. Love, Kim
I\'m so sorry....my heart aches for Debbie. I can\'t imagine the torment she\'s feeling over all of this. I can only hope that in time the son in-law will feel differently and she will be allowed to see her grandchildren. I can only think that perhaps he was feeling such strong emotions of knowing those private talks he shared with his wife, that he blocked out anything and everything else. I can only imagine in that horrible moment he felt he had to honor his wife\'s wishes that had been spoken to him. I\'m not trying to make excuses for him, but know he too has to be hurting tremendously. He may feel this time of saying goodbye...though I personally agree with it...took away his last opportunity to fulfill a wish of his wife\'s??? Maybe, just maybe if that could be considered and expressed to him by Debbie, that she \"understands\" this thought and that she wants to \"hear\" his reasons, but also wants to be heard and understood. All is for LOVE...misunderstood as it often is...but his love for his wife, and Debbie\'s love for her daughter, is what must be understood and tolerated, if not accepted, by both of them. I pray it someday will be. If they can try to understand each others frame of mind/wishes/needs I believe the issue of seeing the grandchildren will be resolved to everyone\'s best interest. Love and more love to Debbie, Cory, and these precious children who are left without their mommy.
people just get crazy about death. give him a chance. I\'m sure he\'ll back down. right now this is how he is coping. can\'t express sadness? just anger? wait it out. I\'ve heard of plenty of nutty things people do after a loved one passes. they say things they never would, normally say. I did that myself. Stay cool, it will change.
I don\'t understand how this man could do this to his wife\'s mother. I just don\'t know what to say, except I\'m so very sorry this is added to her grief. I hope she\'ll join us soon as the support is wonderful and journaling can help her vent. And venting is healthy. Love, Julia
I did not get to say good bye to Josh either. My heart aches for you and your friend as you know the pain she is going through with losing a child.