what to feel

It has only been a few days since that horrible accident. Day one and the beginning of day 2 had T. looking like a little lost boy. I hurt because Kevin was such a wonderful person; the most soft spoken, kindhearted individual; but I don't even pretend that my grief is a fraction of the shock and pain that T must be feeling right now. I hurt for him more than for the fact that K is gone. I remember how it feels to lose your best friend for life, in my case my sister, in his case a cousin who was more a brother. I remember the disbelief, the shock, the overwhelming numbness that pervades your being. In my case, however, I had other people to lean on. I had friends and close family members whom I cared for and was comfortable sharing with. He has no one. Literally. K is probably the only person he has ever allowed to keep him grounded, to hear his secrets and fears, to see the real him. The only thing I told him Friday morning was that I wasn't going to keep forcing the issue with him; I remember how much more difficult it is for others to continue to ask how you're feeling, to want details, to offer help and hugs, to say how sorry they were. It gets to the point where you just want to scream and sometimes be alone with your thoughts. I said "please don't think I don't care or that I don't understand the pain you are feeling. Just know that I am here if you want to talk, but I will not bring it up."
He called me Friday evening. Typically Friday evenings he is either at the race track with K or working on cars with K or at the casino with K. He called me and asked me how I would feel if he got into his RV and just left. I said "why would you feel you needed to do that?" He said he didn't know which was the only reason he had not left yet. He then started to tell me that I didn't understand; who is he to talk to now--he talked to him literally every day; who is he to hang out with now--he was hanging out with him all the time. I just listened as he then proceeded to give me details about the accident. About how he was left in the car for hours while they did the reconstruction, then put on the back of a truck and towed in his car to a police facility literally two minutes from our house so he could be removed. How he grew suspicious when his stepfather was trying to get him to go a back way home, so he did but then started driving north until he could park on the shoulder and began to walk. A man was coming across the median when he was almost to the accident scene and relayed that the man in the Mustang had not made it, he was still trapped in the car. That's when he realized, turned around, and went to his truck where he called me. He then came home and insisted on showing me pictures taken of the accident (I can't even believe these pictures are out there--considering the accident just happened and he lost his life). I don't know what to make of any of it, I just try to be there and to call and check on him throughout the day because I honestly worry about him.
I took our kids to the fair yesterday. His cousin, the police officer, was there working. He came up to me and asked how T was doing. I told him not so well. He made a strange comment about how he was worried about how T was going to handle this. That K was the only person capable of keeping him calm; of dealing with and shaking off his rages; of helping him to come back to earth when he was losing it. Then I ran into T's sister at the fair. She pretty much made the same comments; the family is worried about how T. will deal with this, and if this is going to mean that he no longer has any one to keep him grounded and sane. Then I called to speak with his mother and again I got the same basic message. Please keep them posted about how he was doing and handling this. They worry that he will really become uncontrollable when this is processed. This entire family is grieving, but everyone is worried sick about how he is going to deal with this. My initial (ridiculous) thought was that maybe this would change him for the better; make him realize that life is too short to be so mean and self centered all the time. Apparently, everyone else is worried about something different. Something that never crossed my mind.
Hmmmm...so now I am sad, I am sad for him, I am worried about his behavior--how will it change? Will he find a new best friend? Probably not--he and K were the same age, cousins who had been best friends since birth almost--over 40 years. Damn....I feel like crying again for him. This was tragic; it would have made me cry had I not even known the man. Knowing him and what a good person he was makes it harder. Loving people who truly loved him makes it unbearable. Now worrying about whether he will become harder to live with, and whether I will feel more guilt about leaving him "all alone". And also being slightly angry to know that his family (including his cousin the cop who always came to our house during "bad times" and made me to feel like I was irrational or wrong for calling) know he is hard to deal with; that his rages are scary; that he is irrational and just plain mean at times. And they think I should stay here with my children?!?!?!