What the hell am I doing?
I'm not in a legitimate bad mood. I'm freaking out. I set out on a course to change my life about 4 years ago and now it's actually coming to fruition. In May, I'll be a nurse tech, one step below an LVN. I'll be 1/2 done with RN school and 1/3 way through my body transforming project. Yeah. Body. New paragraph.
So, part of the depression I've dealt with all my life has had to do with weight and body image. After all these years of studying and learning how to do the right things the right way, I'm taking the plunge. I'm setting myself up for a bodybuilding competition during the same month that I'll be graduating from RN school. (Well, hopefully graduating.) I am my father's son and he tends to be an extremist. So am I. I have 2 well written books by very educated bodybuilders and have signed on to their respective sites. I accepted a 7 week challenge to lose fat over the winter and I'm winning. I'm down 7lbs and about 2% fat. I also recently finished building a squat rack for my room to continue training as much as possible without restraint or excuse. After all the hardships I've endured, I believe that I'm coming to terms with what is important to me: health and personal image. I can honestly say that I don't remember the last time I actually looked at myself in the mirror. At all. I shave, I critique my body fat. But I haven't just looked at me in years. I can't because I haven't been happy. I haven't even liked me or my lifestyle. But that has already started changing. And it's changing every day that I continue to workout.
I put this entry up because I'm not that close with my family and I need accountability everywhere i can get it. And I am fucking terrified of having to put on man-panties and FLEX in front of a bunch of people. I'm used to being on stage, I used to play drums and have played in front of 10 people and 10,000. But not in my underwear and sure as hell not to have them gazing at my goods. Or future goods. I'm still pudgy right now.
What the hell am I doing? I'm trying to change my life for the better. And it's scaring the crap out of me. So, I guess that means that I'm doing right?
So, part of the depression I've dealt with all my life has had to do with weight and body image. After all these years of studying and learning how to do the right things the right way, I'm taking the plunge. I'm setting myself up for a bodybuilding competition during the same month that I'll be graduating from RN school. (Well, hopefully graduating.) I am my father's son and he tends to be an extremist. So am I. I have 2 well written books by very educated bodybuilders and have signed on to their respective sites. I accepted a 7 week challenge to lose fat over the winter and I'm winning. I'm down 7lbs and about 2% fat. I also recently finished building a squat rack for my room to continue training as much as possible without restraint or excuse. After all the hardships I've endured, I believe that I'm coming to terms with what is important to me: health and personal image. I can honestly say that I don't remember the last time I actually looked at myself in the mirror. At all. I shave, I critique my body fat. But I haven't just looked at me in years. I can't because I haven't been happy. I haven't even liked me or my lifestyle. But that has already started changing. And it's changing every day that I continue to workout.
I put this entry up because I'm not that close with my family and I need accountability everywhere i can get it. And I am fucking terrified of having to put on man-panties and FLEX in front of a bunch of people. I'm used to being on stage, I used to play drums and have played in front of 10 people and 10,000. But not in my underwear and sure as hell not to have them gazing at my goods. Or future goods. I'm still pudgy right now.
What the hell am I doing? I'm trying to change my life for the better. And it's scaring the crap out of me. So, I guess that means that I'm doing right?
Replies
Change is nothing short of terrifying, I do agree, but change is also good. It means you\'re going out of your comfort zone and branching out. I think it\'s awesome that you found a goal and are working hard at it, more power to ya! I did chuckle though when you made the comment about being on stage in your man panties lol, but you\'ll be so proud of your hard work that it won\'t even matter. Good luck in your continued nursing school and you WILL graduate. You\'re doing awesome, Brasco!
Brasc.........well you GO YOU! I\'m SO FLIPPIN\' proud of you. Like J said, change can certainly be terrifying , but it can also be so gratifying as the end result, right? You\'re working hard and you are going to graduate in May and reach that milestone while you continue on reaching your other goals and the career you are going to be so awesome at.
I can relate to any kind of issues with body image/self esteem. I\'ve had those \' issues\' since I was a teenager and at 55 I still have them. I\'m so happy you are making changes and you are working out and your thinking is changing for the better the more you work out. My stepson is a personal trainer and I remember one year he was in a bodybuilding contest and I know that it\'s no easy task. I\'m glad you\'ve signed on to the sites of the reputable body builders cause I know things have to be done very meticulously. I\'m impressed at your will and your resolve to do this and don\'t forget when you put on your man panties, you\'ll need that spray tan and bottle of oil too...:))
Keep us posted here on your progress. Did I tell you how proud I am of you?
big hugs!!