What the heck is wrong with me?
I'm writing this journal entry in an attempt to organize my thoughts, my mind. I wake up each morning and my mind starts racing, spinning, regretting, dreading, fearing. I am my own worst enemy.
Anxiety: Anxiety is a natural feeling - it is the body's way of alerting to danger. The mind can become addicted to anxiety after experiencing it for a long time. Am I in danger? I don't think I am in physical danger, but my mental health is in danger due to this relationship. My anxiety is heightened right now, because I am nearing the leaving point again. I'm afraid to leave and afraid not to. My anxiety is holding me back from clear thinking and clear planning.
Depression: I know I am depressed because even the simplest chore seems like a huge weight. I just want every day over, so I can sleep & then I can't sleep through the night. I have to make lists to complete tasks. I am depressed because I don't like my life. I feel trapped in this relationship. The truth is, I am not trapped. I really can leave.
Fear: I am afraid of his pain. I am afraid he will drink too much and become verbally abusive again. I am afraid that I will be forced to make the decision I need to make. I am no longer afraid of being alone. I no longer think of being alone as a sad thing, but as a free thing. I know that if/when I go, I will feel extreme loneliness (the addiction to him). I am afraid I will not be able to support myself, but I have people who would help me.
Guilt: I am feeling guilt for acting as if all is well. Constantly thinking of leaving, but not letting him know. I promised I would love him forever. I know he will be so hurt. But this is not a promise I can keep. He has broken many promises. And truly I am NOT responsible for his well being. His actions, his addiction has destroyed the relationship and is destroying him. I don't need to go down with his ship.
Self Medicating: I must be honest. I am using Xanax and pain pills that are from my recent surgery to control my panic, to shut my f**ing mind down. It's not working so good anymore. How long before I run out of medication? I've started Cymbalta about a week ago. Hoping that will kick in soon. How can I bitch about his addiction, if I'm needing pills to control myself? How long before I am addicted?
He was great yesterday. Drank only a few beers. Was kind, thoughtful and loving. I responded to his goodness, but could not enjoy it. I know it is only a matter of time before the drunk comes back.
I am fighting to not fall into despair. Fighting myself to find things to enjoy. Holding tight to my itty bitty boundaries.
I am praying for calmness, strength and clarity. Continually telling myself that I have the right to go and that I can make it. Trying to let his pain and his problems remain his.
Anxiety: Anxiety is a natural feeling - it is the body's way of alerting to danger. The mind can become addicted to anxiety after experiencing it for a long time. Am I in danger? I don't think I am in physical danger, but my mental health is in danger due to this relationship. My anxiety is heightened right now, because I am nearing the leaving point again. I'm afraid to leave and afraid not to. My anxiety is holding me back from clear thinking and clear planning.
Depression: I know I am depressed because even the simplest chore seems like a huge weight. I just want every day over, so I can sleep & then I can't sleep through the night. I have to make lists to complete tasks. I am depressed because I don't like my life. I feel trapped in this relationship. The truth is, I am not trapped. I really can leave.
Fear: I am afraid of his pain. I am afraid he will drink too much and become verbally abusive again. I am afraid that I will be forced to make the decision I need to make. I am no longer afraid of being alone. I no longer think of being alone as a sad thing, but as a free thing. I know that if/when I go, I will feel extreme loneliness (the addiction to him). I am afraid I will not be able to support myself, but I have people who would help me.
Guilt: I am feeling guilt for acting as if all is well. Constantly thinking of leaving, but not letting him know. I promised I would love him forever. I know he will be so hurt. But this is not a promise I can keep. He has broken many promises. And truly I am NOT responsible for his well being. His actions, his addiction has destroyed the relationship and is destroying him. I don't need to go down with his ship.
Self Medicating: I must be honest. I am using Xanax and pain pills that are from my recent surgery to control my panic, to shut my f**ing mind down. It's not working so good anymore. How long before I run out of medication? I've started Cymbalta about a week ago. Hoping that will kick in soon. How can I bitch about his addiction, if I'm needing pills to control myself? How long before I am addicted?
He was great yesterday. Drank only a few beers. Was kind, thoughtful and loving. I responded to his goodness, but could not enjoy it. I know it is only a matter of time before the drunk comes back.
I am fighting to not fall into despair. Fighting myself to find things to enjoy. Holding tight to my itty bitty boundaries.
I am praying for calmness, strength and clarity. Continually telling myself that I have the right to go and that I can make it. Trying to let his pain and his problems remain his.
Replies
hang in there, all part of the healing, accepting process. You wrote a lovely post and just know and take comfort that many of us here have felt those exact feelings. Just try and stay calm, go to your happy place, try and not dwell too much on everything all at once and just take some deep, calming breaths when the anxiety starts. You have a huge decision to make and it sounds like you may be close to your decision. We can\'t fix them, we can\'t help them and you are absolutely right, you don\'t need to go down with the ship.
Also, know that these feelings will come and go at any given moment and could last a long time but not be as intense as they are right now. We\'re here for you, take this journey one day at a time. Hugs and prayers!
ps: sometimes sleeping is the only way to get through the rough times, don\'t be hard on yourself, your world is upside down right now so the main thing is to take care of you, any way possible. I promise things will eventually calm down and the fog will lift and once your decide and accept your decision, the healing can start. It will be hard my friend but you can do it, I did so anyone can. Time does help!!!!
Keep telling yourself you\'re worth it -- you\'re worth a life you enjoy, you\'re worth a healthy relationship, you\'re worth the happiness and peace you imagine. Take your courage in both hands and do what you need to do to make your life what you want it to be. Ditto hugs and prayers.
Bricks - I need more bricks.