What the heck do they expect?
So Ken tells me this morning that my granddaughter Christina confided in him that she is upset because I got an angel charm on my Pandora bracelet in honor of Kelsey before I got a charm for Eddie. (I had explained to her that I wear a gold necklace with a cross EVERY day that Eddie had given me in honor of Ed). My adopted daughter Donna, gave me another angel charm to in honor of Ed on mother's day and I wear that every day now as well. I think of both Eddie and Kelsey every day.
Then she tells Ken she "doesn't like it when I refer to Donna as my daughter". Well as most of you know Donna's mom is in Heaven and so is my son so I have adopted her, her husband and her children as my own and as Donna said "we still miss them but our bond helps to fill a void."
So then Ken tells me I can't say anything to Christina coz she told him this in confidence and I said, "well, I tell all of the family that I keep no secrets from you, so you know what, all bets are off".
I live my life by being honest and I will talk to her. I also live by delivering difficult messages in a kind, honest and direct way and I cannot be responsible for her reaction, but I hope she will understand.
I don't know what she expects. I am struggling as hard as I can to try and integrate the loss of Eddie into my life and also the passing of Kelsey who Ken & I had big plans for - all with the blessing of her family. Christina has this dynamic with my DIL, her mom. My DIL has clearly favored Joshua as anyone in the family would tell you. Even Ed used to get on Elaine about not having favorites and Ed sometimes would overcompensate for this by spoiling Christina. She is 19 and a mom now so I thought she had put some of the jealousy behind her and I certainly do not have favorites between Christina & Josh and I think this is more about her issue with her mom than about me but I do need to clear the air with her.
OMGosh! It is not a competition! I am just trying to find some semblance of happiness in this life. People criticize if we still we cry, grieve, or even try to have a life. Darned if you do and darned if you don't. No one understands but my friends here. No one.
Well, thank you for letting me vent. It helps.
Love and peace, Linda
Then she tells Ken she "doesn't like it when I refer to Donna as my daughter". Well as most of you know Donna's mom is in Heaven and so is my son so I have adopted her, her husband and her children as my own and as Donna said "we still miss them but our bond helps to fill a void."
So then Ken tells me I can't say anything to Christina coz she told him this in confidence and I said, "well, I tell all of the family that I keep no secrets from you, so you know what, all bets are off".
I live my life by being honest and I will talk to her. I also live by delivering difficult messages in a kind, honest and direct way and I cannot be responsible for her reaction, but I hope she will understand.
I don't know what she expects. I am struggling as hard as I can to try and integrate the loss of Eddie into my life and also the passing of Kelsey who Ken & I had big plans for - all with the blessing of her family. Christina has this dynamic with my DIL, her mom. My DIL has clearly favored Joshua as anyone in the family would tell you. Even Ed used to get on Elaine about not having favorites and Ed sometimes would overcompensate for this by spoiling Christina. She is 19 and a mom now so I thought she had put some of the jealousy behind her and I certainly do not have favorites between Christina & Josh and I think this is more about her issue with her mom than about me but I do need to clear the air with her.
OMGosh! It is not a competition! I am just trying to find some semblance of happiness in this life. People criticize if we still we cry, grieve, or even try to have a life. Darned if you do and darned if you don't. No one understands but my friends here. No one.
Well, thank you for letting me vent. It helps.
Love and peace, Linda
Replies
Oh, Linda, vent away dear friend... this can be so draining as you are trying to be supportive of everyone and need to care for yourself too. I truly believe it\'s her very young age and lack of maturity in being able to discern and see that you have enough LOVE in your heart for many! This is all about her and I\'m so sorry that it is spilling over onto you. I know you will have the conversation with Christina when the time feels right. Ugh!!! It does not feel good to live between a rock and a hard place and you continue to follow your heart as you always have and do. As a young mother she is going to have to be growing up fast and hopefully can begin to look inward for her happiness and not outward with expectations and setting upself up for disappointment. I don\'t sense that her problem is with you yet is with her own mother. If she has been living in the shadow of her brother and her dad, your son, Ed, who was her greatest cheerleader is no longer able to be that for her in her earthly life that is where her true sorrow lies... I\'m sorry dear Linda and there is hope for this to be clarified and healed... Lots of love to you, Joanie
Linda there is no way your could possibly know how timely this journal entry is for me.
My son Jim\'s wife (Jessie) says that their girls (Jayna, and Johanna) think I love Athena (Jason\'s daughter) more. So I try to spend more time with Jim\'s girls but I get nervous around them and loss my temper because they are very wild children. Then Jessie is upset that I yell at them when I\'m around them because she wants to raise them on nothing but peaches and cream and sweetness. She once had a \'talk\' with me about using the word \"Ass\" in front of Johanna. Then my son has a \'talk\' with me about taking on too much and getting stressed.
The words you said \"OMGosh! It is not a competition! I am just trying to find some semblance of happiness in this life. People criticize if we still we cry, grieve, or even try to have a life. Darned if you do and darned if you don\'t. No one understands but my friends here. No one.\" Fits what is happening in my life right now to a T.
You cannot please everyone at the same time, so stop trying. I would tell Christine,, sounds like she is just a little jealous...see you soon , Nora
I know you will find the right time to talk to her. If she feels this way she needed to talk to you directly, I think maybe she may have wanted Ken to tell you. Sounds like she still has a lot of growing up to do. Hugs, Angela
Ohhhhh poor Linda...the green monster of jealousy is always lurking....and it sounds like it is there at your house, too. I know this frustration and I think you are absolutely right...ALL BETS ARE OFF...I had to laugh...because you can tell the immaturity of a person when they think that a husband and wife don\'t share confidences....that is part of the pact in marriage. Of course, you honor Ed everyday....not only with the necklace he gave you but with your \"mom tears\"....You are a loving woman who makes a living at being kind and understanding...not to mention, being sensitive to their situations in life ...you are using your God given talents to help others....who would question your genuine compassion and love about your own son but someone who is clueless. I pray it all gets resolved...and I am with you 100% about honesty is the only way to handle this. You are a wonderful friend to all who know you.....I, for one, am honored to know you. Much love to you and Eddie....dale, brandon\'s mom
Hey Girl - I agree with you that any perceived conflict left unresolved is only a breeding ground for an unfortunate confrontation. Clearing the air with her will be a good thing. It will allow you to breathe easier, too! Being young and immature can explain the jealous behavior - but certainly not excuse it! She does have some growing up to do, yet. It\'s always something - right? Take Care of Yourself First and Foremost! Love Suzzanne
Oh Linda. Whew. Well, we do our best. You know what, even if it doesn\'t make everything all better (what are the chances?!) it WILL model good conflict-resolution and right-relations and loving respectful dialog, and that is always a good thing. How exhausting though. Maybe you can help her get to a deeper level of her needs for expression... because as you said it\'s probably actually about something else. Under every negative behavior there is sadness or fear. Love can only be a good thing under these circumstances! I am honored to know you, too. : }
Much love, Sarah
\"when we know better, we do better\" - Maya Angelou
Linda ... as Christina matures through life\'s experiences, may her compassion and understanding meliorate. So blessed is she to share this family tree with YOU, wise one, as you gently yet pointedly communicate your truth as validated from every one of your experiences. May her heart be open to feel the past the illusion her sights see (charm) and ears hear (speaking of Donna as \"daughter\"). Steadfast love from all your friends. XOXOXOXOX
Hi Linda, I\'ve been thinking quite a bit about you lately. Maybe this is why? It seems like you\'re being pulled in so many directions right now, when you\'re trying your hardest to keep a straight line of healing your heart...
It hurts to know sometimes to hear what others think, but you know in your heart where you\'re at with all of this. Emotions are running high now but I hope soon that calm and peace will prevail, as surely your plate is piled sky high. Don\'t take on any more stress if possible! I think of you often and will continue to keep you in my prayers, dear Linda!
Loving you and Eddie, Donna
The bottom line is we can not control anyone else\'s perspective or conclusions...no matter how wrong. You do what you do to honor your son and NO ONE has a right to complain about it. This seems like such a silly and childish issue for Christina to be complaining about. I\'d bet it has little to do with the charm in reality. Sounds like you have a great understanding of the root...jealousy. You didn\'t create it. You didn\'t fuel it. You don\'t own her issues. Release any negative energy associated with this and let it go. Love ya girl, see you tomorrow!