What the Future Holds?

Today is April Fool's Day.  Instead of trying to play a prank or joke on a member of my family, my mind wanders to the thought that my feeling well could be an April Fool's joke.  I am due to see the oncologist on Monday.  As the day approaches I begin to analyze how I feel, or should I say analyze more often how I feel.  Being only 7 months out of treatment there is not a day that goes by that I don't worry about an ache or pain that I have.   I still have sore areas under my arm, in my breast and even my back.  It gets hard to decipher what's a good pain or a bad pain.  Maybe I can't decipher.
This week is our spring break and I spent the week painting my daughter's bedroom.  I was glad I was able to do it for her.  I hope it is something she can be proud of me for and if something happens to me she'll know I did it for her.  I'm rambling a little, but the reason I brought up painting was because during spring break last year I attempted to paint our guest room.  I was so tired of being tired, that I thought if I had a project I would feel better.  It was on exhausting process.  I compare how I feel now and what I felt a year ago.  I am so much better.  I can't even believe I was able to paint last year.  I remember how sore my body was from the chemo and being on my feet and up and down a ladder was awful.
So compared to last year at this time, I am awesome.  It's frustrating not knowing.  Will the doctor want to run tests once I tell her about my "new pains"?  If she does, what will the tests show?  When I was about to have the lumpectomy I was fairly certain I was going to be diagnosised with cancer.  I have that sinking feeling again.  I'm just not that confident that I am okay.
So if you could keep me in your prayers I will be ever so grateful and I will do the same for all of you.  I wish you all a Blessed Easter and a renewal of spirit as Spring begins.  Chris
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I know that feeling well. For me though I just thought myself into a frenzie and after all the test, there was nothing. I\'m due again in May and it starts again. I wonder if we\'ll ever be free of that fear. Will be praying for you. Try and have a happy Easter. Love and hugs Cathy
deleted_user
deleted_user

In 1995 I underwent a mastectomy and 6 months of chemo for breast cancer. I didn\'t worry about the surgery or even surviving the cancer. I just told myself that nothing smaller than a bug was going to become my undoing. I of course did not have my mom pass away from breast cancer just before I was diagnosed. I don\'t know what I would have done. I think that attitude has everything to do with cancer survival. I know it\'s hard, but just keep picturing this little puny bug trying to take you on. I am praying that everything comes out normal. hugs j
ablueflower
ablueflower

I think it\'s normal to be afraid, you\'ve been through a lot, but I hope and believe bad days are behind you now. I\'ll keep you in my thouhgts and prayers. Wishing you a blessed and peaceful Easter.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I just had a thumbs up check-up on March 16th at MD Anderson.....I know you will have the same good news. My doctor commented on how great I looked....she said I\'m a full year out of chemo, and she could really tell. What an encouraging compliment for this 55 year old survivor. I was about two weeks into radiation last year at this time. I am now 20 months cancer free. She told me five years is the important anniversary \"especially for triple negative\", but everything I\'ve read says it is an important date for any cancer survivor. I refuse to let the \"fear of recurrence\" control me! I think you have the right idea doing for other people........like painting your daughter\'s room. It helps me take my mind off of recurrence by doing things for other people. I\'m having a ball today with my 2 1/2 year old grandson (he\'s napping at the moment). His parents are moving into a new house, and he is spending the day with me while they paint rooms at the new place. We walked the fence line of the pasture to check for breaks..I smiled with every step he took. He is such a joy, and I thank God everyday for the chance to spend more time with him and my other grandchildren. Hang in there, Sister! Ane, enjoy the Easter holiday with your family.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hi Chris - I do hope you got good news this week and I\'m so glad to hear that you are feeling good! What color did you paint? I\'m sure your daughter loves you for it. :) I tend to paint when I am stressed...it drives my husband nuts as I\'ve painted every room in our house several times. Every few years, I will decide to change the color and entire look of the room. My house is old so it\'s an inexpensive way to have a new look. I find that I tend to get very anxious and that can switch my focus. As for your anxiety, I was anxious the whole time my mom was sick and would get that terrible sinking feeling sometimes, when I\'d let certain thoughts in. Sometimes, I\'d be so distracted I\'d have to stop and think abuot what caused the sinking feeling...as if I needed to feel it again! Silly, i know! :) You are in my thoughts and prayers always, friend...hang in there. Anita mentioned getting everyone together to meet face to face..wouldn\'t that be neat?!?! I\'m rambling, too...but please post and let us know what the doctor said thsi week. Love - Becky