What the F***ing hell

       What the F***ing hell is it about my life that attracts this S***? I spent YEARS dealing with one brother going up and down, violent, abusive, drugs, arresting, running away, now the other one follows suit. Here I am in the middle of my brothers, my parents, my grandparents, his friends, family, everything...AGAIN!
   I have spent years trying to survive and now I'm stuck back in the middle. I'm so lost and frusterated and hurt and pissed and want to cry. But I can't. I never get that chance. Every time I think I get that chance something happens and here I am again... in the middle...stuck here alone...in pain and way undermedicated...
   I want to scream and cry and talk to someone and and not be alone but I can't... I have no time...I'm not allowed...I...am...just...so alone...
    My heart hurts...my soul feels depleated....I am so warn down....I just can't...I don't know what to do.
    I need help...I can't be alone with this...so freaking alone...painfully hurting inside...I can't keep doing this...I have...no life of my own...my life revolves around how much I can relieve their stress and I am just so....lost from myself...