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It feels so good to finally be up for air. These last few months have been hectic due to my career and its relationship with the Ferguson, MO shooting. Things have calmed down tremendously for me and my boys are happy to see me not worried over what the next day holds.
I think I have gone through the darkest part of this divorce because I am now only thinking about where I am going to be in the future. I know my boys will be okay, but I find myself wondering about me. How long will it be before I am in another relationship? How will my boys adjust to seeing me with someone other than their father? Do I even want to start another relationship or would I be more content just being single for a while? These and many more questions have popped in my head and I am trying my hardest to answer them honestly. I am alone, but I am also apprehensive. Starting over is so damn hard and I just do not have the strength right now to even consider it. I want to, but, uuugghh.
In other news, my ex has lied so much about me to whoever will listen. His newest rant is I love my oldest son more than my youngest. I was livid after hearing this and still have no idea where he came up with this story. Who says stuff like that? He has his friends following me and watching who parks in my driveway. Why? He left me for another woman, so why is he now concerned about what I am doing? He has only visited our youngest son twice in the last 3 months and my son doesn't even care at this point. It hurts me that their relationship is so strained, but it is out of my hands. His father has to realize what he has done and try to repair it. Even with all of this, I am not weakened or deterred by him. I have accepted that he is an asshole and nothing will change that. All of his words and actions are met with silence from me. Why feed into it?
For Christmas this year, the boys and I are having our annual get together, but the scale is so much smaller. I think we invited like 15 people. In years past my ex-husband would invite 100+ and with him gone, so is all that headache. Surprisingly, 5 of those people are his aunts and cousins who literally invited themselves. We still have a strong relationship and as they have said "you divorced him, not us". Lol. It will be nice to spend some time with them. All in all, while this has been a year of turmoil and heartache, I look back and appreciate this battle. I see myself as stronger and I love the confidence I have gained. My household is calmer, my boys have a close, playful relationship with each other now and we are just overall doing good. It took a bit of a journey, but we got here and I am positive only better things are waiting for us in the future.
I think I have gone through the darkest part of this divorce because I am now only thinking about where I am going to be in the future. I know my boys will be okay, but I find myself wondering about me. How long will it be before I am in another relationship? How will my boys adjust to seeing me with someone other than their father? Do I even want to start another relationship or would I be more content just being single for a while? These and many more questions have popped in my head and I am trying my hardest to answer them honestly. I am alone, but I am also apprehensive. Starting over is so damn hard and I just do not have the strength right now to even consider it. I want to, but, uuugghh.
In other news, my ex has lied so much about me to whoever will listen. His newest rant is I love my oldest son more than my youngest. I was livid after hearing this and still have no idea where he came up with this story. Who says stuff like that? He has his friends following me and watching who parks in my driveway. Why? He left me for another woman, so why is he now concerned about what I am doing? He has only visited our youngest son twice in the last 3 months and my son doesn't even care at this point. It hurts me that their relationship is so strained, but it is out of my hands. His father has to realize what he has done and try to repair it. Even with all of this, I am not weakened or deterred by him. I have accepted that he is an asshole and nothing will change that. All of his words and actions are met with silence from me. Why feed into it?
For Christmas this year, the boys and I are having our annual get together, but the scale is so much smaller. I think we invited like 15 people. In years past my ex-husband would invite 100+ and with him gone, so is all that headache. Surprisingly, 5 of those people are his aunts and cousins who literally invited themselves. We still have a strong relationship and as they have said "you divorced him, not us". Lol. It will be nice to spend some time with them. All in all, while this has been a year of turmoil and heartache, I look back and appreciate this battle. I see myself as stronger and I love the confidence I have gained. My household is calmer, my boys have a close, playful relationship with each other now and we are just overall doing good. It took a bit of a journey, but we got here and I am positive only better things are waiting for us in the future.
Replies
I\'m so happy that things are going well for you. As much as the experience hurt, you are so much better off. I wish you and your boys much peace and happiness this Christmas.
Nice to hear from you. Glad you\'re feeling strong!!! I wonder about being in another relationship too, is it worth it? Maybe when it happens it will be ok, I guess we\'ll cross that bridge when it comes.
Merry Christmas, glad you have some fun things planned~hugs
Great post you have come so far! I think we all have moved forward, so nice to hear you are not feeding into his breadcrumbs, hope you and your boys have a Merry Christmas and a New Year filled with peace and happiness, you deserve it :)
Take Care
Coop
So glad to hear you are doing well. Don\'t worry about when you will be ready..you will know, when you know and there is not a right or wrong time frame. Your boys are lucky to have such a wonderful mother!
Wow, I can\'t believe you used to host 100 people! Fifteen sounds much better. You will actually have time to chat with everyone. 100 people sounds more like a wedding.
Interesting how your ex says that about you and your youngest, yet he is the one who rarely visits him. I\'m glad his family is coming to your gathering this Christmas and the boys will get to see them.
I enjoy reading your entries, they are mostly positive and inspiring.
Thanks for the continued support everyone. I am amazed at how far I have come also. It will be a year in March when my ex abandoned us. I will admit that as I look back, I was a wreck in the beginning. With time, counseling, support and a positive attitude, I have realized my self worth and I can hold my head up high knowing I made the right decision for me and my boys.