What's new?

So, in my last journal I hit another brick wall, and I felt pretty terrible about making my boyfriend late for his class... but we're absolutely fine! I'm pretty sure I'm just over sensitive because I'm such a people pleaser, and I love him so god damn much that I'm scared I'll lose him over the smallest thing.But I know. I know I won't. We love each other greatly and honestly I don't know how I'd get by without him these days.I've had a couple of melt downs lately and it's just terrible... He's always with me so he nearly always has to see me like that when it happens. I feel incredibly guilty, but he chooses to stay! That is something I will never be able to thank him for enough... but I'll always try so long as we're together.  He's had a great idea. We had a long, long talk about my physical consequences of what's happened and I said my surgeon had said I was too young for the procedure and it'd probably do more harm than good, especially with the recovery period, but dietary changes could make my life easier. I told my boyfriend, I did try some of these changes but I didn't get too far. So he did a tonne of research! And we made a list of good and bad things (bad consisting of all I love... Spices, Wine, Garlic, Tomato based products.... :'( ) and we've said goodbye to them for a week. He's decided to join me on this to make my life easier (again, I will never be able to thank him enough) and we're having a detox week of only good foods to see if that improves my symptoms! It's been 2 days, and so far I'm still in pain but you never know. :3 I've told him he can go out drinking tonight anyway though and have a night off the diet as a thank you and he can have my keys to sneak back in to my bed when he crawls home. I have a doctors appointment super early so even if I didn't drink... going out until 4am would be pretty dumb. I have also booked a counselling appointment with the people at my uni, but I'm not sure how much good it'll do...Things have been piling up as it is and to top it off... I hate this part... In the same weekend"HE" contacted me again... asking, no, begging me to hurt or convict him because he can't take the guilt... and my Dad called. He's been diagnosed with cancer. I was so upset about that that I barely gave "HIM" a second thought. My Dad's well-being trumps any card. He should be okay, he's getting treated really soon and I have my fingers and heart-strings crossed. I'm trying to decide if bobbing home would help or if it'd only stress him out... :/ I do love the man.
My imminent exams aren't even worrying me as much now I have my dad to worry about... My whole family is ill now with one thing or another and I love them so much... I don't want to burden them with my troubles.  I was told to tell my Dad if "HE" contacted me again to get a solicitors letter drawn up... but I really don't want to add to the pain... I feel very lonely right now... I wish I could call a mate and just pour my heart out about all of it... but I know I can't... For one reason or another. Everyone has exams right now anyway and I don't want to hassle them. Plus... isn't it supposed to be me they come to? I'm losing my rep as the rock and the mum because of all of this... I just want to coddle my friends to happiness... But with me falling apart...? They just feel abandoned... And I feel as if I too have abandoned them... :'(I was watching the live cam of penguins in Edinburgh zoo to cheer up before... but I think it's broken. :(  Going to have a rationed snack and see if I can find something to do before bed. My heart goes out to you all. TSUKIKOSCG xxxx