What must the CS do to rebuild
I sent this as a message to a BS and I want to save it here.
What must the CS do if they want to rebuild successfully.
There are so many things that a CS can and should be doing to successfully rebuild and I will start with the bigger picture and then get down to specifics. the bigger picture is the general attitude of the successful rebuilder. It is the attitude that says: I will not rug sweep, I will be transparent with you, I will show you my heart, I will not be defensive, I will own up to what I have done and place none of the blame on anyone else, I will never try to 'gag' you but will listen bravely without flinching away and answer/discuss anything you need to anytime you need to, I will be humble, I will work on myself, I will go to counseling, I will read books with you as well as on my own, I will try to get insight into myself and understand my core issues as to why I let this happen, I will evaluate the contributing factors and vulnerabilities that allowed me to do this but I will not say those are the reasons why I did it because I understand that there is no reason why that would adequately explain it. I will understand that this is a long process and I must be committed 100% and be very patient and put in a lot of effort. I will understand that I must be responsible for helping you heal and that I must work diligently to heal myself. There is a list similar to this put together by a BS called The Musts of Rebuilding. It contains a list for the CS and a list for the BS. I will sent that as a separate message. It too just basically gives a picture of the proper attitude for rebuilding. If you both have that attitude you will do the things on that list whether you see it or not. Both my H (Cole50 on here) and I knew we were already doing everything on that list the first time we saw it which was a few months after Dday. Now for some specifics and then some resources and links: As a CS the attitude has got to be there but even if it is lacking in some areas, that can be remedied over time as long as the CS is continuing to strive forward. A person can't achieve everything at once but you can WANT to. As long as the CS can say they care and are giving it their best, they will get there. Counseling: Imperative, but can be prohibitively costly. We could only afford 8 sessions but we made the most of it. Sometimes with research a sliding scale situation or low cost can be found. If this is an issue for you try churches or community centers for information/ideas. Journal or Notebook: This could be a place to write something like a diary but it can serve as much more. There can be pages for certain things that I listed above such as the insight received, lessons learned, core issues, contributing factors, vulnerabilities, books read and notes on those books, inspirational thoughts or sayings that would be helpful to remember, goals, determinations, feelings, frustrations, struggles, etc. Let the CS share with you what they want from this journal but you may not want to just pick it up unless they are comfortable with it. My H did not want to. I put deep feelings in mine and was brutally honest about what I was thinking and feeling including my struggles over my feelings for the OM. It would have been hard for him to read some of that stuff and those feelings are temporary and change as the recovery progresses so it could cause undue distress to the BS. this is one area I recommend privacy for the CS (but encourage them to share) since it is not a social interaction. All social interactions need to be completely available and transparent to you. Books: Also imperative IMO. I have 3 books on the "required reading" list. First is a fantastic little book called: How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual For The Unfaithful. This book pulls no punches but lets you know exactly what it takes to successfully rebuild. I suggest the CS read this alone so they can really get into it and do some deep thinking while they are reading it but they should share with you a lot about it while they are reading it. Second is Not Just Friends. Pretty much everyone agrees that all CS's should read this book and I agree. This one is a good one to read aloud together or as one BS and her CS did it they read it kind of at the same time and made margin notes and highlights for each other. Last is His Needs Her Needs: Building and Affair Proof Marriage. This book was absolutely remarkable for us. it flat out revolutionized our relationship. Our counselor got us to read this one. I cannot say enough about it so I will just leave it at that. I very strongly encourage this book to be read aloud together. A note about reading books aloud: I recommend it for two reasons, the most important is that it stimulates great conversation in a more non threatening way and second it is a very bonding,concrete, mutual rebuilding activity. Faith: I don't know where you are at on this but it has been a major factor in my recovery. I will go into the things that helped me the most on rebuilding my faith in a separate message if you let me know you want me to. If your faith is a factor, though, it would be very good for you to both have a trusted person to go to for guidance. For me it is my priest. Resources: There are three other groups on DS that may interest you: Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity http://www.dailystrength.org/groups... Cheaters Anonymous (for your CS) http://www.dailystrength.org/groups... Healing Infidelity Through Faith: It is not all that active right now. My H started it. It has a news section at the top with some very good articles that you may find quite helpful. Look at the table of contents. http://www.dailystrength.org/groups... I don't have a link but surviving infidelity is another support group that has something called the Healing Library. An excellent resource. They have a book list as well as articles that are just there for the reading. You don't have to join to take full advantage of the healing library. There are helpful articles there for both the CS and BS. I may have left something out and you may have questions. I will be glad to share with you for as long as I am able to be of some help so feel free to message me any time.
What must the CS do if they want to rebuild successfully.
There are so many things that a CS can and should be doing to successfully rebuild and I will start with the bigger picture and then get down to specifics. the bigger picture is the general attitude of the successful rebuilder. It is the attitude that says: I will not rug sweep, I will be transparent with you, I will show you my heart, I will not be defensive, I will own up to what I have done and place none of the blame on anyone else, I will never try to 'gag' you but will listen bravely without flinching away and answer/discuss anything you need to anytime you need to, I will be humble, I will work on myself, I will go to counseling, I will read books with you as well as on my own, I will try to get insight into myself and understand my core issues as to why I let this happen, I will evaluate the contributing factors and vulnerabilities that allowed me to do this but I will not say those are the reasons why I did it because I understand that there is no reason why that would adequately explain it. I will understand that this is a long process and I must be committed 100% and be very patient and put in a lot of effort. I will understand that I must be responsible for helping you heal and that I must work diligently to heal myself. There is a list similar to this put together by a BS called The Musts of Rebuilding. It contains a list for the CS and a list for the BS. I will sent that as a separate message. It too just basically gives a picture of the proper attitude for rebuilding. If you both have that attitude you will do the things on that list whether you see it or not. Both my H (Cole50 on here) and I knew we were already doing everything on that list the first time we saw it which was a few months after Dday. Now for some specifics and then some resources and links: As a CS the attitude has got to be there but even if it is lacking in some areas, that can be remedied over time as long as the CS is continuing to strive forward. A person can't achieve everything at once but you can WANT to. As long as the CS can say they care and are giving it their best, they will get there. Counseling: Imperative, but can be prohibitively costly. We could only afford 8 sessions but we made the most of it. Sometimes with research a sliding scale situation or low cost can be found. If this is an issue for you try churches or community centers for information/ideas. Journal or Notebook: This could be a place to write something like a diary but it can serve as much more. There can be pages for certain things that I listed above such as the insight received, lessons learned, core issues, contributing factors, vulnerabilities, books read and notes on those books, inspirational thoughts or sayings that would be helpful to remember, goals, determinations, feelings, frustrations, struggles, etc. Let the CS share with you what they want from this journal but you may not want to just pick it up unless they are comfortable with it. My H did not want to. I put deep feelings in mine and was brutally honest about what I was thinking and feeling including my struggles over my feelings for the OM. It would have been hard for him to read some of that stuff and those feelings are temporary and change as the recovery progresses so it could cause undue distress to the BS. this is one area I recommend privacy for the CS (but encourage them to share) since it is not a social interaction. All social interactions need to be completely available and transparent to you. Books: Also imperative IMO. I have 3 books on the "required reading" list. First is a fantastic little book called: How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual For The Unfaithful. This book pulls no punches but lets you know exactly what it takes to successfully rebuild. I suggest the CS read this alone so they can really get into it and do some deep thinking while they are reading it but they should share with you a lot about it while they are reading it. Second is Not Just Friends. Pretty much everyone agrees that all CS's should read this book and I agree. This one is a good one to read aloud together or as one BS and her CS did it they read it kind of at the same time and made margin notes and highlights for each other. Last is His Needs Her Needs: Building and Affair Proof Marriage. This book was absolutely remarkable for us. it flat out revolutionized our relationship. Our counselor got us to read this one. I cannot say enough about it so I will just leave it at that. I very strongly encourage this book to be read aloud together. A note about reading books aloud: I recommend it for two reasons, the most important is that it stimulates great conversation in a more non threatening way and second it is a very bonding,concrete, mutual rebuilding activity. Faith: I don't know where you are at on this but it has been a major factor in my recovery. I will go into the things that helped me the most on rebuilding my faith in a separate message if you let me know you want me to. If your faith is a factor, though, it would be very good for you to both have a trusted person to go to for guidance. For me it is my priest. Resources: There are three other groups on DS that may interest you: Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity http://www.dailystrength.org/groups... Cheaters Anonymous (for your CS) http://www.dailystrength.org/groups... Healing Infidelity Through Faith: It is not all that active right now. My H started it. It has a news section at the top with some very good articles that you may find quite helpful. Look at the table of contents. http://www.dailystrength.org/groups... I don't have a link but surviving infidelity is another support group that has something called the Healing Library. An excellent resource. They have a book list as well as articles that are just there for the reading. You don't have to join to take full advantage of the healing library. There are helpful articles there for both the CS and BS. I may have left something out and you may have questions. I will be glad to share with you for as long as I am able to be of some help so feel free to message me any time.
Replies
Thank you for this post. It really made my day. So far I\'ve read the first book and am working my way through the second. The third is sitting on our coffee table for the right moment. As the CS, I don\'t feel it\'s my place to force my husband to read it aloud together. It\'s been five months since I told him about the affair and seven months since I cut off all ties completely with OM. Since he was long-distance, the last time I saw him was almost a year ago. It\'s tough for me to remember that my poor BS has only had a short time to cope with all of this. The information from your post along with all of the books is really helping me to behave in a way that will encourage healing for the both of us.
Wow, a lot of thought went into this journal, obviously, and was well written! Thanks Gabi!