what matters is NOW.
Hey, team.
Bathroom renovation project has stopped. Right in the middle. I have run out of material.
DW nearly threw a fit. I don't want to exaggerate, but she started whining. I told her that these things happen.
But I didn't want to delay this week. The sinks are gone and we need to keep moving, so I guess I had better run to the home store to get more wall panels.
which is a major pain. But we need to keep moving. Despite everything else that is going on.
It's an extra effort. The regular effort is trying already.
I accompanied DW to the grocery store last night, and for the second time I saw this "ex" from high school in the meat department. I put that in quotation marls because we never dated. and that was my fault. she came new to our school in 10th grade and she was right purty. My best friend was so hot for her and he was an outgoing guy so I backed off. Over time I had learned that she was hot for me, and I should have dated her, but my older brother was relentless about how ugly she was and at the time I wouldn't have withstood the pain. Plus I was shit scared.
I balked about talking about this here. Anyway I didn't talk to her. But when I saw her again last night it made me laugh. 30 years later I am more attracted to my wife, so I made the right choice, i think, but that issue came up in my mind about the "shoulda's" that haunt me, and she was one of the big ones. I didn't date in high school out of fear, mostly, and that, I feel, had stunted my emotional growth.
so I went through, in my clever but distorted mind, a justification. My wife is funny, sharp as a tack, and attractive. what matters is where I am NOW. all that other stuff is past, water under the bridge, yadda yadda. So, in all senses, I can put that shoulda behind me. I can move forward because I can say that what I have now is better than what could have been, and I should be grateful for that.
So why is that feeling still there?
I thnk God set this up for me. To show me how set in cement my mind is. I cannot change my mind about very much. I suppose I am always looking for blame, and not just wiping the slate clean.
I dunno what's wrong. What matters is NOW. But maybe she would like to engage in a roll in the heyheyhey. But even that is dumb. I am not really attracted to her anymore.
So you see, the smart, logical side of me is trying to fight distorted thinking. It's an even draw right now.
Either way, I have to move on.
Bathroom renovation project has stopped. Right in the middle. I have run out of material.
DW nearly threw a fit. I don't want to exaggerate, but she started whining. I told her that these things happen.
But I didn't want to delay this week. The sinks are gone and we need to keep moving, so I guess I had better run to the home store to get more wall panels.
which is a major pain. But we need to keep moving. Despite everything else that is going on.
It's an extra effort. The regular effort is trying already.
I accompanied DW to the grocery store last night, and for the second time I saw this "ex" from high school in the meat department. I put that in quotation marls because we never dated. and that was my fault. she came new to our school in 10th grade and she was right purty. My best friend was so hot for her and he was an outgoing guy so I backed off. Over time I had learned that she was hot for me, and I should have dated her, but my older brother was relentless about how ugly she was and at the time I wouldn't have withstood the pain. Plus I was shit scared.
I balked about talking about this here. Anyway I didn't talk to her. But when I saw her again last night it made me laugh. 30 years later I am more attracted to my wife, so I made the right choice, i think, but that issue came up in my mind about the "shoulda's" that haunt me, and she was one of the big ones. I didn't date in high school out of fear, mostly, and that, I feel, had stunted my emotional growth.
so I went through, in my clever but distorted mind, a justification. My wife is funny, sharp as a tack, and attractive. what matters is where I am NOW. all that other stuff is past, water under the bridge, yadda yadda. So, in all senses, I can put that shoulda behind me. I can move forward because I can say that what I have now is better than what could have been, and I should be grateful for that.
So why is that feeling still there?
I thnk God set this up for me. To show me how set in cement my mind is. I cannot change my mind about very much. I suppose I am always looking for blame, and not just wiping the slate clean.
I dunno what's wrong. What matters is NOW. But maybe she would like to engage in a roll in the heyheyhey. But even that is dumb. I am not really attracted to her anymore.
So you see, the smart, logical side of me is trying to fight distorted thinking. It's an even draw right now.
Either way, I have to move on.
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