what kind of person do I want to be?
I was thinking about this question in one of my deep thinking days. I am not who I was before the A's and I can't be that person again because that person had the A's. So since I feel gutted and I am rebuilding and restoring myself, what kind of person do I want to be? I prayed about this all day one day last week and I came up with my top five. I want to live in:
Thankfulness
Humility
Repentance
Faithfulness
Service
Most of these I have no problem with right now. I wrote the converse of each one. The core issues I have that have blocked me from living them before. The one I have the most trouble with right now is thankfulness. I would not have thought that because I am thankful for many things. Especially right now. But being thankful about something is not the same as LIVING IN thankfulness.
I have not been able to live in thankfulness since DDAY because I am living in sadness and remorse, guilt and pain. You can't live in both. I feel that God gave me these goals and I have been praying about this.
I know that I have been clinging to the pain and anguish as a sort of security blanket. A way of punishing myself. As if as long as I live in this pain I am safe and I am making up for what I did.
Today I felt God wants me to give him these negative emotions because I am using them in a bad way and they are keeping me from receiving forgiveness, which I have not been able to do, and from moving forward towards healing. I did not want to surrender the pain and punishment. I feel I need it and I am not yet ready, but I did it anyway. I understood that the pain will not necessarily go away but it will not cripple me or block me like it has been because when I feel it I will release it to him again. I have been able to feel the difference today since I did this.
I did this with the memories and thoughts from the A's that were torturing me a few months ago. I felt the same thing. That I needed to release them to God so I did. they did not go away but whenever I had them I released them. It helped me so very much and the memories and thoughts and feelings lost much of their power over me.
There is another thing that I am fighting against and that is the victim complex. After DDAY I felt like a victim of a tragedy. Over time I have come to take full responsibility for what I have done. I know I am not a victim. BUT...I still FEEL that victim feeling. I have talked to my priest about this. It may take a little longer to conquer this but at this point I am saying to myself as often as necessary, "I am not a victim." I repeat it over and over when I feel myself having that "victim feeling."
I hope as I work on ending the punishing phase and learn to live in thankfulness the victim complex will go by the wayside as well. I don't think I can live in thankfulness and the other 4 goals and feel like a victim at the same time.
Thankfulness
Humility
Repentance
Faithfulness
Service
Most of these I have no problem with right now. I wrote the converse of each one. The core issues I have that have blocked me from living them before. The one I have the most trouble with right now is thankfulness. I would not have thought that because I am thankful for many things. Especially right now. But being thankful about something is not the same as LIVING IN thankfulness.
I have not been able to live in thankfulness since DDAY because I am living in sadness and remorse, guilt and pain. You can't live in both. I feel that God gave me these goals and I have been praying about this.
I know that I have been clinging to the pain and anguish as a sort of security blanket. A way of punishing myself. As if as long as I live in this pain I am safe and I am making up for what I did.
Today I felt God wants me to give him these negative emotions because I am using them in a bad way and they are keeping me from receiving forgiveness, which I have not been able to do, and from moving forward towards healing. I did not want to surrender the pain and punishment. I feel I need it and I am not yet ready, but I did it anyway. I understood that the pain will not necessarily go away but it will not cripple me or block me like it has been because when I feel it I will release it to him again. I have been able to feel the difference today since I did this.
I did this with the memories and thoughts from the A's that were torturing me a few months ago. I felt the same thing. That I needed to release them to God so I did. they did not go away but whenever I had them I released them. It helped me so very much and the memories and thoughts and feelings lost much of their power over me.
There is another thing that I am fighting against and that is the victim complex. After DDAY I felt like a victim of a tragedy. Over time I have come to take full responsibility for what I have done. I know I am not a victim. BUT...I still FEEL that victim feeling. I have talked to my priest about this. It may take a little longer to conquer this but at this point I am saying to myself as often as necessary, "I am not a victim." I repeat it over and over when I feel myself having that "victim feeling."
I hope as I work on ending the punishing phase and learn to live in thankfulness the victim complex will go by the wayside as well. I don't think I can live in thankfulness and the other 4 goals and feel like a victim at the same time.
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