What it's Really Like.

Self harm. It's such a touchy subject. At least it is for those of us who actually experience it. For those people who haven't, they seem to talk about it just fine. Am I right? We have all been in a room, on a bus, in the lunch room, at work, ect. with someone who thinks their knowledge of self harm is above anyone elses when in reality, you don't have a clue; not the slightest idea what its like unless you have taken the razor, the hot metal, the pins, whatever to your own skin. Then and only then will you only start to see into the world that some of us know too well. We have all heard the "Just stop." and the "you don't need to do that." and the "that's disgusting." or the "its all about attention." And to those people I say a big FUCK YOU. If it was as simple as to just be able to stop, self harm wouldn't be and issue. Its an addiction. (that is my opinion. I don't pretened to know everyones own struggle as they are all different.) But once that first cut is made, it is almost impossible to run from. To me cutting is my coping mechanism. My escape rout. I suffer from high anxiety and major depression. In 8th grade I cut for the first time and now im in a world I cant escape from. (not from lack of trying, cuz believe me Ive tried.) I am 20 know. 6 years. 6 years. I want to get out. I don't want to be this way. This is NOT a choice. when all you have going on in your mind is constant horrible thoughts. Scary thought. Sad thoughts. When your anxiety is so bad that your shaking uncontrollably. when you feel like if you don't shut off your thoughts you might fall down so deep you would never be able to resurface. Well, in a time like that one needs an off switch. My off switch: cutting. I cut. I focus on the cut. I focus on the blood. I focus on the pain. And therefore, I am no longer focusing on those horrible thoughts. Then I wipe it up. And I lay down, and drift off to sleep. Sleep would be impossible had I not just cut. My mind would not be quiet had I not just cut. THATS WHAT ITS ABOUT. Its not that I want to kill myself like people like to assume. Its not that I want attention like ASSHOLEs like to assume. It is simply to shut my thoughts of. To shut my fear of. My anger. My sadness. that's it. Coming at people and making them feel terrible about harming themselves. That just makes the situation much worse. It just adds to their "horrible thoughts". So please, be respectful. There are other ways to approach someone who struggles with this. And to those of you like me... YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND I UNDERSTAND YOU! how many times have you heard that? Not enough I suppose... I know I haven't.