What it feels like to be me
I've been struggling with anxiety since elementary school but it's gotten increasingly worse in the past few months. When an average person feels a pain in their chest or head, they don't assume it's something serious. I do. I irrationally think something bad is going to happen to me. I focus on it so much that I make myself sick with worry. The combination of pain and worry then set off a panic attack. The panic attack ultimately leaves me feeling sick, scared, and out of control. Once the panic attack is over I'm exhausted and my mind waits for the "mystery pain" to come again. Sometimes I wish I could go to the doctor and have a full exam done. CAT scan, MRI, blood work, heart monitored. I feel like I'm only going to be at peace if I know for a fact there is nothing wrong with me. So, my question is: where do I draw the line? It's human nature to acknowledge symptoms that may be affecting my health...how do I know when to ignore the symptoms and when not to? Could the persistent ache in my chest be a looming heart attack? Could the stabbing pain in my head be an oncoming stroke? Could the smothering sensation in my chest be asthma? What about the constant fatigue and tiredness? Is the answer to just ignore it all? I don't think anyone understands how hard it is for me to just ignore it. I feel like I don't have control over my body. My body and my mind are two separate things and sometimes I swear my body revolts against me. It purposely tries to scare or piss me off.
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