What is wrong with me, I need to Know, Can I know..
I started to go to work tonight, it's a store where if I don't go I am told Im fired, But I turned around and came home, they will probably call soon, Im going to take my medicine early and maybe try to go oh what's wrong with me, Why am I doing such a stupid thing...I know this won't make sense to anyone but driving in the car I usually turn on the radio the christian station Oh it's not what you would think, it's really Upbeat Music, like from Mercy Me,.. I don't have a display on the radio so can't see what channels it's on so I leave it on the christian station. Tonight the Church is having Spanish Night so I could not listen to it, as I drove onward there are 2 bilboards to remind me of Carole being in the Hospital, One is for the Hospital itself and one is for the Medical School....Am I going crazy or what, They should not hit me so hard,.. but they do,.. then I go onward in the scilence, with things bluring cause I can't see that good without new glasses, I went to the grocery there off the interstate and just came back home,.. I thought my Phyc appointment was tomarrow but I find it's on the 13th, I feel I can't wait, Im going to call tomarrow and see if they can get me in..I don't know what to do, Im feeling all bundled up, don't know if it's anxiety or a mood thing, Im very upset mostly with myself, and thinking of the past again, the whys, again, I should stop but it's so hard, why did we trust the doctors and have the operation instead of trusting God..why did we believe them... and so much more...I tried to tell my team people but noone really understands, they just say get better quick, and I don't know how... I feel so Stupid, Im feeling weak, Im feeling down,. I don't like it, My birthday is coming up fast and I want to be up.... my doctor dosent do much, I will try this time though to explain, I hope he can do something, I would hate to take another or more medicine, but this is how Im feeling,. I feel at night it Hits me like a Ton of Bricks, especially if I have to go to work, and If I take my medicine Early things seem to get better but i hate to take it to Early,.. I think it wares off, and something happens at night,.. I don't think the doctor knows why it helps me but it does, I think with the Mood thing...I don't know why it helps but it does, it does not totally fix things but helps alot. is it in My Head, Am I simply Imagining things, Im not sure...wish I was...Oh God, just took the Pill, should I jump in the car and try to go, I struggle with this question, and noone to ask right at the moment,.. I know my dad would say Im stupid and silly and to go now,.. but I feel Im defective my head my moods, my feelings, yes there is something wrong with me, I don't understand what, I wish I could be fixed..... and Soon,................. --------- H e L P!!!!!------------ Michael
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It\'s starting, oh what have I done, I felt like I was boxed in last night, Like I was in a box and the space was getting smaller and smaller,.. I hope things are ok but it has begun,I think they are not,I think I messed up bad but I could not fix it, I will try to see if the doc will see me today, I feel so broken...My dad and others would say it\'s just me making concious choices,and being bad, but that feeling, that awful feeling, it was real, Not imagined,.. I hope things are ok, but can they be, I messed up, but I felt I had no choice,.. I hate being broken..I feel like a child complaining or imagining something, but it was and is all to real to me,.. I hate myself for things I should be able to control and be a man and do right, but I always tend to take the easier path even though it may cause distruction.. I got to change,... I got to take the nightmare untill it\'s over and make the right choices inbetween,.. when I took my pill I started feeling much better, but it was to late to try to go, I don\'t know if this is Imagined or if I honestly feel better, but now I wallow in the consequences of my decisions,. during my moment of panic and awfulness.. can things be ok, or will my life be ultimately shattered... I guess I will see very shortly,..
Michael,
I know it seems like you have a shattered life. But you are still breathing, I know how the gloom can dictate who you are and what you do. Yes, you need to keep on walking you need to keep on searching, you are not a flower that has shivered up and died. You are alive. Yes, you need to call the doctor so do it. You can not do this alone. Although those around seem not to understand. They really can\'t only you can feel what you are feeling. Things just are so different now. You are a new person. She would not want you to fret or worry but move to a new beat. Take small steps, change things a little bit at a time. Each morning you are new. Take it one bit at a time, Try new th8ings. Don\'t panic, don\'t scream. One little step at a time. You can\'t change things over quickly. Praying for you.
huggies. i understand bout you being panicky. my mom has panic and anxiety attacks. just try to breathe and find yourself agian. hug yourself turn on some nice music, sit back close your eyes. tell yoruself you are in a safe place. huggies. :)
everything that has to do with grief is normal