What is wrong with me?

I've been in a dark place lately.  I know I have taken on too much.  I fantasized yesterday about driving to the lake near our home and just walking out into the waves.  I thought of how good it would feel to just walk out there and begin to float and slowly sink to the bottom.  I know that it means I need to talk to someone, but i haven't had a therapist for myself in years.  It feels so much like blind dating you walk in and talk to this stranger and see if you want to continue the relationship. 

My husband has tried so hard for the past 8 years to understand, to try and be everything I need.  He told me yesterday, I needed to see someone, that he just could not understand how I felt.  He had tried to understand depression, but just could not and could not help me anymore.  I felt like he was abandoning me, not that I can blame him.  We have been married for 20 years and until our youngest was born I was able to keep my depression in check all on my own.  He told me I needed to talk to someone and find out why I could not accept that he loved me.  We had an argument a few weeks ago.  I just felt so lonely and he has not been there for me.  He said he was working so hard to show me he loved me and I just could not "feel" it.  It was not that I don't see his effort it is just that I don't "feel" loved.  Ever.  We got married young and maybe I just thought he settled for me.  I don't know.

I've noticed myself taking risks lately.  I said I just won't pay all the bills, just the ones I feel like and I won't care anymore about who is or is not getting paid.  Now we are three months behind on our student loans and don't get me started on the medical bills.   I connected with an old friend on facebook and I sent him some messages and a picture I should not have.  I don't understand why i did it and I thought I would feel guilty for doing so and I don't.  That scares me more than anything.  I mean my husband is a good man and this guy is just bad news, but I feel like someone hit the self destruct button on me.  I sit at work all day and I can't concentrate on even the small stuff.  I cry all the time.  Friends got married and stopped talking to them because I found out via facebook instead of in person.  I mean I set the two of them up, but they literally just eloped and told no one and I got so angry I blocked them.  I haven't been paying attention while I am driving either.  I keep pulling out in front of people.  I think I just want to feel something.

I'm avoiding responsibilities because I don't want to deal with them.  I don't want to call people back, problems that are small are becoming bigger becasue I ignore them.  I am not even sure minute to minute what it is that I am sad about.  I just know that I am broken and can't seem to fix myself.  I know I should be a content and happy person.  I have a great husband, three beautiful kids, a lovely home, a great job, heck I even run a ministry at my church, but I don't have passion for any of it.  I just do the things, do what I am supposed to do and keep going every day.  Sometimes, I just want to give up.